It was a dark night. The moon failed to penetrate the deep, moody cumulus clouds which covered the world. There was little that could be seen by the human eye. Just shapes, movement. The little things. Details were a thing humans didn't notice, but Alex noticed them.
Standing on the hill overlooking the Belfast Dockyards, Alex was a little over six foot tall and very delicately built. She had a thin face and long black hair down to her waist. She had blue eyes, but if a person were to take a second glance and try to stare into those eyes, they would see a bottomless pit. Her skin was pale as were her lips. She looked 16 but was much older.
She saw movement below and allowed herself a grim smile, exposing 2 long fangs which just cleared her bottom lip. She was an unusual girl. She was a vampire. Actually, that wasn't true. She was a dimidium-letum or a 'Dimid', a half vampire. Someone who had been bitten but for whom the process hadn't been completed. As such she was a neutral, trying to keep the peace between the Vampires and the Hunters. It was a stretched peace and involved removing those who threatened it. She had the benefits of a Vampire, faster reflexes, better eyesight and greater strength. She also had the advantages of a human, immunity to daylight and to the touch of wood for instance and the ability to think far more creatively.
She stared through the darkness into the docks and saw four figures lifting a limp object from the van to a boat. She removed the smile from her face and began to move slowly down towards the dock. She couldn't tell from here which Clan the Vampires were a part of, but she was pretty sure it wasn't a freelance operation.
To her knowledge, all Vampires were part of one of four clans. The most promenient and noble of which were the Red Cobras. They were honourable and knowledgable and rarely got involved in Human affairs. They were also formidable fighters so she would have to be cautious. The next were the Black Snakes, less noble, less honourable but still with rules about what and what not to attack. The other two were obscure but it was from these two that the bulk of the blookdthirsty Vampires came from and she was sure that the four below were members of those two factions.
By the time she had thought through this, She was behind the van. Her quicker reflexes allowing her to evade the four. She didn't need to see the cargo to know what it was. Human. Probably freshly killed that day. Some poor sod who had just been for a walk was now going to end up as dinner for some blood loving family. The two bigger Clans frowned upon mass murder and so the smaller Clans had to go underground to secure their fresh meat. Killing humans brought on the vengeance of the Hunters and she was determined not to let them find this group.
She leapt from behind the van and was able to draw her wooden sword elegantly and quickly before they had even noticed her. The Vampires were temporarily stunned.The first recovered and attempted to grab her. She cut through him easily, handling her sword with all the experience that several hundred years would allow. He collapsed in a heap behind her, as did the next vampire who attempted the same thing the First had. The third and forth vampires drew their own Katanas and the fight was on.
Despite being made of wood, Alex's sword blocked all incoming attacks easily, She was far faster than any of these Vampires. She made a quick flick and one of the Vampires fell, clutching his chest. The last continued to attack in vain, but it was no use and she disposed of him easily. She looked around at the four bodies and the van full of corpses. The Vampires would melt in the morning sun and as for the humans, seeing these bodies would provoke a brutal response from the Hunters, something she couldn't allow. She sighed as she pressed the button in her left hand, blowing the van up behind her. She walked off into the sunrise, leaving the burning van behind her.
She killed Vampires. She killed Humans. She was on everybody's side. She was on nobody's side. She was a peacekeeper. She was a Rogue killer. All of the above counted. Yet none of them did. She was the thin Black line between chaos and war. Bound to stop the killing by killing. That was the curse of having a long life. That was the curse of being a Dimid.
Yet, in four hours time, she would be sitting behind a desk like any normal teenager. The world oblivious to the double life she suffered.
Author's Notes
I thought of the details of this story as I was writing it. Nothing here is prewritten or preplanned. Not a bad effort I thought, considering I also had my brother moaning to use the computer.
I'll add a second part as soon as I have time
A contest entry
- Yet Another Supernatural Fling Before The Summer Holidays!!! by Dreams of Insanity.
135 points, ended June 3, 2007, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options.... XD by Shiny.
175 points, ended June 8, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Watev!! by asthray.heart.
1100 points, ended June 20, 2007, 56 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Absolutely Anything! by Kitzwa.
350 points, ended June 22, 2007, 52 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I love fantasy by Prodigious.Mirth.
350 points, ended March 13, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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>commented on<
Thanks for entering my pal
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Now this is my league of entertaing reading... I loved how you left it to the end to express her real ego, her real personal, vampire huntess and typical teenage girl... has mega potential and I loved the language you used to set your firm beginning...
I think this will be a stunner
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She killed Vampires. She killed Humans. She was on everybody's side.
I thought that was funny. I don't know if you meant it that way, but it made me laugh. -
Wooh. It was like Blade except girlirized! adn except the killing of humans. Good work. I love vampires and youmust have mentioned kill like, 4 times in one sentance! I like it XD
Thanks for entering my contest and this peice, although you say had no plot, seems to have a deeper meaning and can be turned into an intricate series. Looking forward to reading the rest of it.
Love Shiny -
Hmm... I love vampires. But I'm not a huge fan of vampire stories since a lot of people tend to just follow Anne Rice's and Bram Stoker (forgot his name)'s ideas
but I'm glad that the few I've read on this site are different from the many others I've read elsewhere ^_^ I happen to like this... and I am looking forward to seeing how you would explain the "process" (of turning into a vampire ) in your next chapters ^_^
A few things...
I never listened much to science.. but isn't it cumulus clouds? Haha, I may be wrong!
She killed Vampires. She killed Humans... Bound to stop the killing by killing..."
These are taken from one paragraph.. and "kilL" was mentioned 4 times ^_^ umm... I felt it was redundant, but that may be a personal opinion of mine
Thanks for sharing this!
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You're right about the spelling mistake. Changed.
I was trying to emphasise the fact that all she spends her nights doing is killing things, but I guess I did overuse it a bit
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You have a good story but I'm not so sure if it fits the contest rules. Maybe you could enter another entry. Nevertheless, it still has a good plot.
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Don't have anything else to enter. Ah well
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There was little that could be seen by the human eye, just shapes, movement. Little things. ... I think this would flow better if you put a full stop after eye, then changed it to: Only shapes and movment, the little things.
Details were a thing humans didn't notice. But Alex noticed them. ... You don't want and or but to start a sentence...although it's ok in dialog but here: Details were a thing humans didn't notice, but Alex noticed them. works better
By the time she had thought through this. She was behind the van, her quicker reflexes allowing her to evade the four. ... The first sentence is a fragment...this can be fixed like this: By the time she had thought through this, she was behind the van. Her quicker reflexes allowed her to evade the four.
Now for content: I like the theme of this story. Your use of imagery and description really bring your reader into the story. Good job with this. I also hope you expand on this. I really think it would make a nice series. Good job!
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Thanks for the tips I didn't see those
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This was good. I liked the descriptions and the storyline was very organized and kept together. The word choice was good too. Please continue it!
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It was only ever intended to be a short story, but now I'm thinking of expanding it. I'd have to think about where I would take it though.
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I've already read and critiqued this story.
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OOooh I really liked this! For some reason it reminded me of Underworld...but then again that movie is still pretty fresh in my mind. I did get to watch it for the first time the other night .
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I've never seen the movie so I wouldn't know. I came up with the idea in five minutes and fleshed it out while I was writing it
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Oh well then you should see the movie. It's what I call a great flick. My brother practically made me watch it and by the end of it I was in love with it!!!
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I quite enjoyed this- but it doesn't seem to work as a stand-alone story; there's too much exposition that goes to waste, otherwise. If this is continued, however, I look forward to it- it would be nice to see how Alex juggles vampire-hunting with teenage life!
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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It was actually meant to be a stand alone story but I am now thinking of expanding it.
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you've a bit of a problem in the first paragraph. you first say things can be noticed by human eyes then say that they were things humans wouldn't notice. This seems a little contradictory ?
one minor detail... no one staked through the heart (living or vampire) is immune to wood.
There are minor punctuation problems which are easily fixed.
It's a good story idea that flows. Your description works as well. Good luck with this, it would be interesting to see where you take it. -
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Thanks for the comment I fixed the first paragraph and also removed most of the spelling errors.
Thanks for pointing out the first paragraph! I would never have noticed it
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