Mary's letter to herself

I feel the love, as I have ever felt before. The love for two beings whom I’ve known for centuries, or so it feels. Should I love these two? Should I love two beings?  Are they both worth the love I have to give them, do they both love me as much as I?  Am I in love with one more than the other? Or do I love them both equally; it’s so hard to decide my feelings for them both. How am I supposed to love one more then the other to marry? How am I supposed to pick? How shall I decide, what could I do to make it easier on me? I love them both deeply, and I shall love them both very deeply, the same amount as the other. 1

I wish I could marry them both, why oh why do I have to decide my life? The one’s I love the most are the ones that have asked me, why couldn’t of been one of them to ask me? Why? Why did they both have to?? I shall cry now for the mercy of myself, for the fact that I will never be able to decide. My heart will be broken if I am not with the other one, my heart will be broken if one of them shall not love me, but they both love me. 2

My heart shall always be ripped if I am not with them both, my heart shall always be ripped if I cannot love them both equally. My heart will be ripped. And it shall never repair, for I shall never want it to repair. For the love of both of them and for the love of myself, I shall either decide which one to marry, or I shall commit suicide. The easier of the two is committing suicide. But I do not want to break their hearts, for I shall have my heart broken both ways. Either way I chose my heart will be broken for all eternity, the only way it shall repair is if I have them both forever. If I could chose them both my heart would be spared from thy sword. It shall not be ripped if I could only have them both. But I will never be able to have them both, and with that my heart shall be ripped. 3

My heart would be more ripped if I should commit suicide and not be with either of them, but which is the easier of the two? Committing suicide of course, and if one shall love someone else more than I. My heart shall be ripped far more than committing suicide. This is the choice I have to make, life or death. This is the hardest decision I shall ever have to make, for all eternal life. This is the hardest anyone shall ever have to make for all eternal life. For, my heart is so fragile that it could be pulled out by one single touch, it could be pulled by one single point of the finger. It shall always be this fragile as long as I could live. And if there is reincarnation, I shall always have my heart broken. 4

And that shall be my trademark, the birthmark I am giving myself right now, I shall describe of what it looks. It is shaped as a beautiful heart; it is darker than my skin for it’s what I carve in my skin, the blood drips down it. There is but one part that is not bleeding, a line through the heart that is not bleeding, this line is the means of my broken heart. Where it is, shall change places on my body for eternity. Even when I shall go in thy earth and go to heaven, I shall always have this birthmark. It might not be in the same place that I carve which is the palm of my hand. For, that would be absurd you can’t have a birthmark in the same spot for all eternity. It will be all over my body, but so anyone can see it. My face or my leg or my arm, or even my neck, this carve of my skin I give to myself shall be for everyone to see, if it’s picking up my skirts so that I shall only show my leg, or just on my face. It shall be somewhere for everyone to see, so then they will no my heart is broken, and it shall always be broken for all eternity. 5

This is what I get for loving two people so very deeply and having to decide one or the other. This is for that other one, the one I did not decide, which is the hardest thing of all eternity to decide. And shall always be the hardest. I will never be able to decide so I shall let my father decide for me, and if I go the easier root as is committing suicide my heart shall be smashed more broken then it is now. I would not have a heart, if I would commit suicide. That is why I’m allowing my father to decide for me, I do not care if in the future when I am reincarnated my father should decide my husband, for my heart shall still be broken, it will never be more broken then it is now, for this heart that I have in my body right now is the heart that is most ripped, the heart that shall always be most ripped. 6

This heart has only a tiny piece of heart material connecting to the other half, only a tiny piece as what I carve in the skin has shown here. And that it shall always be, but one tiny piece of heart material, one tiny piece, my heart shall be ripped to shreds if that one tiny piece is broken, which would mean for someone to not love me as much as I them and say they won’t marry me, or for I to commit suicide. I do not want the one my father did not chose to not go on with his life, it would just be heartbreaking even more than my heart already is, to have one of the loves of my life for eternity say no I shall not marry you I love her. That is harder than I committing suicide, which you obviously think is absurd for that would be easier for me, but if that were to happen then I should have no heart for all eternity, I shall be a cold hearted person, not caring for anyone but myself. Probably not even myself, so I do hope that that does not happen, which I’m sure will not, for they both love me as much as I them. I have finished with this entry and I have finished my pain, for the carving in my skin was very painful. And I shall never feel more pain. 7

With eternal love, 8

Mary9