The quiet king sleeps sadly in his empty throne
His dreams are many, his goals are none
The sun clothes herself in shadow if only to be enveloped by the comfortable illusion
Hers is a world of cut up ribbons and beautiful screams
A squirrel watches the world fly by from his perch
Does he dream, plan, wonder, watch, hate, love?
Such thoughts are left to squirrels
A rose blooms only to those who appreciate her
Few do. They are so lucky and so cursed.
The Hatred of one sometimes feels like it will blot out all the rest
All of his enemies, all of his friends, all of his futures and pasts
It never does
For her part, the angel watches and waits
But her hands are always busy, and she can not wait for long
She will be Too Late
A vacant street feels no feet pass over it
And quickly, quietly, dies
Brightest of trumpets, loudest of claws
He is one of many, weak alone
And that is all
Everything the Lady does is perfect
She breathes grace and echoes triumph, but can only smile
The introvert knows everything.
Everything. Every sad truth, every aching burden.
But the saddest truth of all…. Is the one he doesn’t know.
And that is that he doesn’t know it.
Reason is a tool and a weapon for the scientist,
His sword, his hammer, his stethoscope, his horse, his cage
The storm rages and calms, destroying
Preserving itself unknowingly
Vacant phrases in wordless books
Painted diamonds of hollow beauty
Birds screeching and punching the fetal glass
Ants marching and plotting their own demise
The quite king sleeps sadly in his empty throne
This.
Is.
His.
Empire.
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Bear in mind: I would literally sit down and write two lines of this a day. The point was for it to be disconnected, but also to come together in the end. I guess it's more experimental than anything
Comments
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hee!
I know this is a serious poem, but I really cracked up at the word "squirrel." Seriously. It wasn't even the connotation surrounding the word, either. I just randomly burst out laughing when I read "squirrel." Which is a really bad thing to do at 3 am when people are trying to sleep. ;-)
Anyway, serious review: You have some really great imagery in here, especially towards the end. I also was particularly impressed with how you tied the first and last lines together. I'm not sure what the meaning of the poem was, but I enjoyed reading it. Good job!
Also? ...Squirrels! Hee! -
Well...yes, it certainly does read like an experimental poem. :-) Lucky for you, there are quite a few web journals specializing in experimental forms.
With your author's note in mind, my only suggestion would be to punctuate this properly. Disjointed is fine: I actually enjoyed the effect. Difficult to read is not. At least at periods to the ends of sentences.
Oh, but get rid of the periods behind "this" "is" and "his" at the end. You've already called attention to the words by giving them lines of their own: don't ruin the effect by forcing the reader to say each as its own sentence.
Also, get rid of the capitals in Hatred and Too Late. The drama and power of experimental forms is in their subtlty, not their self-importance. Capitalizing words that aren't ment to be capitalized makes you sound a little pretentious.
I love the way you pull the poem together in the end, saying that all this strange and separate things "belong" to the same man, in a way. Have you considered separating different ideas into stanzas? I think that might make the conclusion, and the poem as a whole, more powerful.
My verdict: publishable, in an experimental-themed journal. I enjoyed reading this very much. Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
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That's all very helpful... Thanks very much. I'll edit and make additions as necessary.
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Yay...
It reminds me of a translation. Like... general coolness, but the stuff I don't get being attributed to symbolism and surrealism. But maybe that's just the squirrels...
Anyway, good show. I'll come back and read it again and pull it apart and jump to awesome conclusions when I'm not tired enough to fall out of my chair.
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I like the experiment
I didn't know that you wrote 2 lines separately each day, I might even try that one time ^_^
About your poem, I actually enjoyed it Kings are often portrayed as strong men, and to read about this king who is so flawed just endeared this poem more - it IS sad that they have to show so much strength, because I think all of us should be allowed to have a semblance of weakness, because that is what makes us human ^_^
I love the "beautiful screams" part - it may be morbid or what, but we all find beauty in the weirdest places
Oh.. the only thing I didn't like.. was the squirrel bit x.x I don't know why.. but I didn't like having a squirrel in this x.x
Thanks for sharing this Looking forward to more
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The idea itself is good, although, the way it was put together kind of distracted me.
I enjoyed reading, can't think of much else to say. Other than, how you wrote it, the stance and what-not could have been a bit clearer.
Good job.
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