Skid-Pan
“Who’s up for it tomorrow then? It’ll be a right laugh!” Enthused a very excited Knubnutts as he attempted to coax us all once again from the straight and narrow towards a day of drunken misadventure. Having clearly learnt nothing from my past experiences of things going totally tits up that have been sold to me as “A right laugh!” I was as per usual all for it.
The aforementioned “It” was a barbecue we would have the following day. Unfortunately our barbecues tended not to be the type of affairs synonymous with the norm i.e. Senior male member of the family dons comedy apron and char grills the living day lights out of the outside of a bunch of sausages while the middle remains raw. No, no, our barbecues tended to involve rather less actual cooking and far more actual drinking, as liquid refreshment as oppose to sustenance was definitely the order of the day.
All well and good but for the location Knumbnutts had in mind for this latest in a long line of woe filled piss ups, namely five miles out of town, up in the hills, by the side of a river at a local beauty spot. Granted the scenery would be top notch and due to the lack of houses in the area we could make as much noise as we liked. Alas this being June 1986 none of us could as yet legally get behind the wheel of a car to get us there. Never mind stay lucid enough, after an all day bender to ferry carloads of drunken half-wits back down a twisty single cow crap encrusted country road back to civilisation.
However this type of minor hurdle was never going to stand in the way of a bunch of sixteen year olds and a party. “There are seven of us with motor bikes! We can go two’s up on five of them and we can strap the barbecue and booze to the other two!” Continued Knubnutts clearly having foreseen and thought around the problem. Top of the class for practical problem solving, unfortunately, due to us all having to ride with learner plates which barred us from carrying pillions, a resounding go and stand in the corner facing the wall with a dunces cap on, for staying within the constraints of plods road traffic regulations.
That night sausages and hamburgers were defrosted from parent’s freezers, a bag of charcoal was purchased from the local caravan park shop and needles to say a monumental amount of alcohol was procured. My mother, the top, top mother that she is gave me half a dozen spare ribs, a couple of beef burgers and a 70cl bottle of O.V.D. Demerara rum with the instructions to “Share it out!”
Jackpot!
The next morning I awoke early with the sun blazing in through my bedroom window, I leapt out of bed and peered out of the window. Not a cloud in the sky, a rarity back in the eighties prior as we were back then to the modern marvel that is global warming/climate change. A hurried shower, shorts, polo shirt, deck shoes thrown on and I was out the front door kick starting my bike with the goodies that my mother had provided safely tuck in to my holdall.
The weather was absolutely stellar and despite it being only ten in the morning it was already reasonably warm as I pulled in to Swoopsters parents drive, which was by prior arrangement our rendezvous point. There they were, the whole gang plus a few hangers on and surprise, surprise a few of them had due to over eagerness partaken in an early start and were already three sheets to the wind with empty cans of lager strewn all over the shingle driveway.
Two’s up on the bikes it was then for the three or four-mile trip up in to the hills. Already illegal due to us carrying pillion passengers and now doubly so as we had all taken a leaf out of the character Billy a.k.a. Dennis Hopper from the film Easy Rider’s book and dispensed with our helmets, secreting them at the bottom of Swoopster’s parents driveway. My Sergio Tacchini polo shirt banished in to my holdall, was also for reasons apparent in the “Off” position, but for added coolness and being the fashion icon/leader that I was, the Rayban Wayfarer Two’s were most definitely in “On” mode. Should plod who tends to take a dim view of such antics, have seen us they most certainly would have locked us up and thrown away the key.
After much posing and taking far to many personal safety risks we all arrived remarkably unscathed at our destination. The barbecue was lit and the fun could really begin. Bounce being a mad man at the best of times, was now completely hammered on cheap as chips supermarkets own brand cider and had taken it upon himself to be the top cliff diver of the day. Cheered on by the baying mob, he repeatedly showed scant regard for the perils therein and hurled himself off of a craggy gorge in to the river from greater and greater heights, narrowly missing the submerged rocks by mere inches every time. Until finally standing atop the gorge the constant plunges into icy cold water must have brought him to his senses and he stopped short of actually committing Harry Carry.
Time for some food, oh spoons, no implements to flip the burgers with, ah well fingers will have to do then.
The rest of the day was spent sunbathing, swimming, playing football and of course boozing. Come six o’clock in the evening it was time to head back to town, all fine and dandy under normal circumstances but as by now as I am sure you can appreciate I was sunburnt to buggery, totally shattered and completely intoxicated.
Did we do the sensible thing?
That being to leave the bikes and walk/stumble the five or so miles back to town.
In a word “No!”
We threw the barbecue in to the river, in Knumbnutt’s words to “Cool it down!” Then tied it to the back of Swoopsters Vespa 50cc scooter fired up the bikes and took off for town. My bike being unrestricted and obviously the fasted pulled well clear of the others, despite Bounce trying to quite literally steer the bike from the pillion passenger position, over the brow of a hill I zoomed and slipped the bike into neutral. Free wheeling down the incredibly steep hill our combined weight saw us nearly reach 60mph prior to some very heavy breaking to allow us make the sharp left hand turn at the bottom. Just as well I had applied the anchors as on closer inspection the road was covered in sand, I made the corner and accelerated to the top of the incline. Stopping at the top to look back and warn my chums of the peril that waited.
To late Knumbnutts, with his chin resting on his handle bars presumably for added aerodynamics was tearing down the hill, he and Deck, his passenger then leaned to the left Moto GP style and the bike slid from under them. In to the ditch at the side of the road they slid with the sickening grating sound of metal on tarmac, I rushed back down the hill to see if they were still alive, on arrival and due to luck rather than good judgment the two of them were lying on there backs flat out in the foul stagnant ditch water pissing themselves laughing. Knumbnutt’s back was scratched to bitts and Deck was convinced that he had and I quote from him directly “Left half my left arse cheek on the road!”
Flesh wounds aside and god only knows how, they were both fine. That event had a very sobering effect on the group and helmets, on reaching Swoopters parents house were placed back in the “On” position. Where they remained until we all reached home. Three hours later I found myself swinging my legs as I sat perched above the porcelain squirting the very stinkiest and hottest form of liquid shit from my burning arse due to insufficient cooking time of the tasty at the time spare ribs. Mr. J Cash esquire a.k.a The Man In Black may have fallen into a “Ring of fire” I on the other hand actually possessed one.
The next day I was in complete agony as if I was not the most sunburnt man in Scotland I was definitely in the top two. A full tub of my mothers moisturising cream, multiple toilet rolls and a couple of days later I was back to normal. After several comedy filled telephone conversations with my chums that afternoon I discovered that I was not the only one to visit shit city that night.
Never again since have I viewed barbecued food without some trepidation as the memory was literally burnt in to my head of my three-day, ring sting, dysentery, shit yourself skinny experience.
Author notes
All again ashamidly true and only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
A contest entry
- Everyone IS a Winner! by Mai4ever.
350 points, ended June 8, 2007, 32 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options.... XD by Shiny.
175 points, ended June 8, 2007, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Absolutely Anything! by Kitzwa.
350 points, ended June 22, 2007, 52 entries
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135 points, ended July 20, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Description by xhappyxrainbowsx.
115 points, ended August 1, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Most Overly Done Contest Idea by Andrew Timothy.
250 points, ended August 30, 2007, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Pain by beezy92.
800 points, ended February 13, 2008, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A Week of Summer by On.Cue.
225 points, ended July 19, 2008, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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When I posted this contest about pain I mean tmore motional pain, than physical pain. I'm a sucker for humor and I enjoyed reading this, it didn't exactly fit what I wanted )=
But great write.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest! -
I loved the bike wipe out. This was a pretty good story. Some grammatical problems with some of the sentences though.
I liked this narrative, however, I didn't find it too funny. It's humorous, but it didn't really make me laugh. A chuckle here and there though.
Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest. -
This is hilarious but you've got some punctuation problems. You've got missing commas. Structurally there needs to be some work done as well.
Although you have a way of keeping the reader wanting to know what happened from beginning to end.
I got a good laugh at this story. It was well worth taking the time to read.
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ha! things totally going tits up--I love that!
your use of language is wonderful and I can see 1986 for you very clearly.
rightly labeled under humor, but I almost didn't click on it because of the title!
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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wow this is really good i loved it. i really like your writting style. excellent discription in this story. very original and hilarous. great job on this. keep it up.
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I liked this. I really did. It made me smile. Well done here. Defenitely worth the read. Keep on writing. God Bless!
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hehe.......lol....this was good...giggly gud...i love ur style.....!!! excellentai!!!!
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Quite a style you've got there. I love the originality, which, as a bonus, does not sound contrived or forced, but convincing and credible. (instead of "tits up!" lol)Nitpick: "Swoopster's parents"...forgot the apostrophe... Then I would finesse the cliche: "Three sheets to the wind" This piece is too wellwritten not to find another expression. Check the spelling of Harry Carry...I think it's more like Hari Kiri. (also check error on "fasted" faster...)Then..."To late" is TOO late!)I believe God takes a capital G...and again, more apostrophes for Swoopster. I'd personally ease a bit off the descriptive toilet scene...I mean, who really wants details on this? Nice writing, though...and...quite a goodly group of characters.
Good luck, JS
GA
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As an antecdote, it flows real well
I like the word choice and find that it flows easily. However, I also want to judge this upon the merits of it being published.
The beginning does get a bit bogged down with description. I think you were trying too hard to give us a feel for our surroundings, when we (the readers) where looking to get to the meat chand chips of it all.
Reading on, the reward was there, as the story then picked up pace, and your words were very well chosen, as they rang well when read.
If it were my story, I would see what I could do about taking some of the unneccessary descriptiveness from the beginning. Keep what one might notice within a normal glance. Anything that would have to look around furtively to see, dice it out, unless it is an integral part of the story.
I would also see if you could insperse more shwing in-place of telling. At times, it sounds more like someone telling a neighbor of what happened, rather than showing them (through dialogue and other tricks) and getting the listener (reader) more involved.
Take none of this to mean your story is not fit to be published - I think it is, and a lessening of the descriptiveness at the beginning would go a long way to insuring this.
Well done. Your writing has improved much since I last read it. Keep writing, as this is what allows you to keep getting better.
beginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I don't have time to read this right now, but rest assured, I will
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Fun story
I enjoyed the dialog and the descriptions. It makes we want to lake right now. -
Ah yes - the perils of half cooked barbecue food. This is a fun story with a sort of a moral to it, I suppose! I did notice a few spelling mistakes. ie "bitts" should be "bits" and too much repetition of the word "aforementioned" maybe. In all though, an entertaining story and true to life of that period.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Again, superb choice of words and excellent description that is very original!
The outcome is really funny, and the way the whole story evolved was very well done and moved at a good pace!
Great story!
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Haha. Lol. That was a great story you wrote there. Very eloquent in your writing, and yet staying humourous and all. I'm very impressed and hope to see mroe of your stories. Keep it up!!!
Love Shiny -
Wow it's like the biker movie I last saw but with more sun, more humerous and above all else alot more manly fun^...so to speak^^
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Hilarious! Two thumbs up!
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Good God that was hillarious. An acctuall event that happened to you, I suppose? I loved the charictarazations of all the people and, you're correct. There's almost nothing that can come between a sixteen year old and a party.
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That was really funny, you have a good sense of humour and that bbq sounded rather fun despite the aftermath u all faced.
Cant wait for another from you.
Lady Madeline.
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LOL! Loved the ending! Good job and good luck!
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hahaha, man, that was hilarious, especially the last half of it. Your last paragraph had me break out in actual laughter, and I don't do that much when I'm on the computer
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hey great story you have divided it into paragraphs so great and well oriented and descriptions its so welll done great job
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