I'm going to tell you about something I’ve had for quite awhile: a complete, undeniable hatred for eight-legged annoyances. Now, some might say that I’m afraid of them. They may have seen me jump at a huge one that dangled down in front of me from the ceiling. And they have every right to believe that. But, in reality, I was formulating a plan to have them expelled from the town. You could say I'm a bit racist.1
See, I just cannot be in the same room with them. If I see them anywhere, they must be dead. If they're not dead, they will be soon. If they're still not dead after being hit, they'll be flushed down a toilet to keep the roaches company.2
I've never liked the little buggers. Of course, they won’t give me Spider-man powers, so there’s really no point in keeping them around the house, is there? Nah, I roll that newspaper up with exuberance and bring it on home, on down atop a spider. It’s fun hearing the squish it makes.3
Of course, as with all hatreds, mine started when I was young. I had just won a prize at the local fair and the drunken man running the stand slipped a ring on my finger. Now, this was no ordinary ring, oh no. It was a black ring with little legs protruding from its sides. That thing scratched worse than my grandma’s whiskers and was two sizes too small. The darned thing cut off my finger’s circulation.4
Instantly I wanted to take it off, but, being a little kid at the time, was filled with too much pride to rid myself of the trophy. I had to, just had to show it to all my peers. So I ran off, with my parents yelling at me from a distance, rounding stands and hot dog vendors until I found them. They all stood near the dunk pool, trying in vain to sink a horrifying clown (my other passionate abhorrence). That’s when I knew I had made a mistake. Every single teen had baseballs in their hands and, now, an annoying little, bragging child.5
You can probably guess what happened next, but for those of you that can’t, they stoned me (or rather “baseballed” me). And for the next twenty minutes or so, I sat there cowering, trying to lick my wounds. That was a bit hard and troublesome, because my tongue wasn't as long as I had wanted it to be.6
Eventually, my parents found me, dirty and bruised, and tried to comfort me. I didn't notice them at all, and you know what I did? I'll tell you. I took that ring and chucked it as hard as my little arm would allow at the dunk pool. A small plunk had echoed in the air almost inaudible. But I heard it, oh yes I heard it.7
Even though I was in a bullied position, my parents weren’t too happy for me running off. So they, in all their parenting wisdom, said it was all my fault. Comforting aren’t they? They sat me up on my feet and told me to walk it off. It never occurred to them that maybe, maybe I had suffered a concussion, but oh well. If I did or did not, I probably wouldn’t be the same person I am today...that may be a bad thing.
Author notes
I wrote humor, because I like humor. It can't get much simpler than that, right?
Hope you liked it!
A contest entry
- "A" stands for... by RedTalon.
175 points, ended June 2, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Bored.... by Shiny.
175 points, ended July 17, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - LETS LAUGH! (Put your sense of humor on display) by erectmeonit.
145 points, ended August 13, 2007, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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A good story! I'm not a big fan of spiders either
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Good Luck in the contest! -
Hi, Andrew,
I know this was posted months back-- but stumbled across it.
Pointers first (if considering updating it)
Never liked the little buggers (comma here) never will. Of course (comma here) they won’t give me Spiderman powers (comma here) so there’s really no point in keeping them around the house (comma here) is there? Nah, I roll up the newspaper with exuberance and bring it on home, or rather, on down atop a spider. It’s sometimes fun hearing the squish it makes.
They all stood near the dunk pool (comma here) trying in vain to sink a horrifying clown.
And, for the next twenty minutes or so (comma here) I sat there cowering (comma here) trying to lick my wounds, had some trouble with that I did (comma here) with my tongue not being as long as I had wanted. <--long sentence and a little choppy)
My parents weren’t too happy for me running off so (comma here) they said it was all my fault.
upon my feet ( up on my feet ... "upon" is the typical "once upon a time-thingy" ...)
It was funny, and I was right there with the little boy and his misadventure(s), feeling his frustrations! Good writing-- as usual!
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow, thank you so much for the input. The story really needed it, I guess.
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I didn't think it was that funny. I'm rather friendly with my spiders, they're all daddy long legs that do nothing but keep my room mosquito free ^^
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this was great!
I hate the horrible nasty creatures as well, so I am cheering you on here! How did the letter to Animal Planet turn out? You should maybe submit it here as a prequel to this piece!
Great job! Humerous, well written, with a warm tone. -
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You know...I SHOULD write that letter.
Thank you reading!
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This was Awesome!
I really enjoyed reading this story. I love how you made it personal! And I hate spiders too! You took this story and totally wacked it out! And I loved it!
Great Job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Too kiddish! WOWOWOW! I loved it , because little children can read and understand it too . And the language you've used is just what I sought . That's the type of language I use , when I write humorous stuff . It works best in the humor category . You're winning something , I'm sure . All the best to you with it . *claps*
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eeeeee! I don't like spiders being anywhere near me. As long as they are at least 10 feet away and not in the house, I am ok...but come inside my house and its a death wish.....I use the tv remote...shoes, water bottle, the computer mouse, and even pencils to kill the little creepy crawly things.....I refuse to touch them -shivers- Anyways, good job on this and good luck in the contest ^.^
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Lol. I have the same thing too. I *hate* spiders soooo bad. Thanks for the enrty, it was a blast!!!!! Damn, i hate spiders
Love Shiny -
lolz...i liked this. Even though i don't find it that humoristic, it was rather witty then idoctic...thnk god!! i liekd this...greta job! spiders yuck! i hate their legs, they're just ooo many!!
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Hahaha Andrew.
This was so great.
I hate to say this, though:
I have horrible Arachnophobia. Like, big time. I freak out.
Wanna know the icing on that cake?
In my science class, we have pets. One of them is a turanchala (IDK how to spell that!!!)
And everyone knows I hate spiders. Guess where I sit?
Right next to it.
Oh my gosh.
I hate spiders!!!
But anyway, this was so funny. I loved the whole idea about how the ring caused the phobia, lol!
Great job, and good luck in the contests
xoxo
tay
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LoL, those taranchulas are freaky little devils *shudders*. Thank you for commenting!
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Hee hee. What an interesting take on arachnaphobia. Those spider rings are the worst invention ever...
Great story though... weird and just... awesome.
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Thanks for the comment, I'm working on the fan fiction right now for your contest by the way
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Haha
You're quite right! This did make me laugh! I'm a bit obsessed with the hairy old things too though... It's kind of embarrassing but I check my shoes every morning to see if there is one inside. As long as they aren't near me and they catch the annoying flies and mosquitos I'm fine with them !!
Great story once again, if I have time, I'll read some others... If not, carry on writing scary stuff that makes people want to cling to their chairs.!!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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LoL, one time there was one dangling down from the ceiling (me and my brothers were watching TV in the basement) and we didn't see it until it was right in front of my face. We both darted off the couch basically running into eachother. (this was about three years ago)
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Very easy to read. I would have thought that your character would have had more of a fear of baseballs than spiders (pretty terrible experience) Nice job.
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Very Funny!
I thought that this was a great piece. It was so easy to read and made me laugh. Great Job! -
Cool.
That was good.
But I like spiders.
You must freak out about other bugs too. -
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*cough* this was fictional, but yeah, I don't like insects very much
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I know its fictional,but I just figured that you didn't like insects and stuff.
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hehe! i laughed a lot while reading this! it was really easy to read this because of the way that you put your sentences together as if someone was actually talking. i really did enjoy it a lot!!!
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I'm really glad you liked it!
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very good,i really liked it!
beginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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Tee heet
This was funny Andrew! Lol. Ironic, though, because I just read it to day after throwing a hissy fit over my friend killing a spider three times. lol. I'm a nature hippe, though, so I guess that's no surprise. Well anyways. Funny.
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lol, thanks foor the comment Mel
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Good
Wow. I laughed like crazy, man! I hate spiders!!! Eww. I hate them bad! Not that it's one of my worst fears or anything, but I hate spiders. I really liked what you did with the word I gave you. Fantastic job.
I'm still drying my eyes from reading: Nah, I roll up the newspaper with exuberance and bring it on home, or rather, on down atop a spider.
Good job!!!
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Lol. I liked this. It had humor and style! The perspective was caught perfectly and I enjoyed reading this! Nice job!
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Thank you for the comment and applause!
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