The Worst Addiction

I know it may not make sense. It still doesn't really make sense to me either, but I guess everyone has their addictions. Some love pain. Others love weed. Some love beer. Others love sex. But I never really had an addiction. I always was the smart one, who wouldn't, couldn't get drawn into stuff like that. I was too good for it. Too beautiful, too smart. Or at least thats what I was told. I have to admit, I would have tried any of it. But pain really didn't seem to help me, it only brought more stress when people asked about the scars. As for the others, well there was no way i could get my hands on any of it. I was too far away from the real world, too locked up in the perfect life. But i knew it wasn't perfect. I've known it my whole life. 1

Every health class we were told about all the eating sicknesses. I've read about stars getting them because they never did eat anything. I've heard about people dying from them, but none of it really phased me. I didn't think perfect little me would ever try something as dumb as not eating. It sounded like a waste of time and a waste of good food. I was never very fat anyway. 2

No one ever believed me when I said my family was nearly loosing our house because we didn't have enough money to pay for it. Life became a never ending nightmare. Everywhere I went all I heard was yelling, screaming about money, and how their own stupid daughters couldn't get decent grades, and how their other daughter was trying to kill herself. Everywhere I went all I saw was pain, torturing. Countless times I'd walk into the kitchen to find my father on the ground with a pair of scissors pointed at him like they were a sword, a sharp lifetaking sword. I'd wake up at night to hear my younger sister crying. She had to reason to cry, this was so unfair to her. Everything was spinning out of control. I couldn't fall asleep at night because of the screams bouncing off the walls in my head. It hurt to think. And then I found it. The one thing that gave me comfort. The one thing that took away my stress. The only thing that wouldn't hurt me. Food....3

I don't know why or how I started. It just began suddenly. All I did was eat. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I was angry. I ate while I listened to the screaming and the crying. I ate and ate and ate. It never really showed much, except to myself. I soon became disgusted with myself. I'd do anything to stay away from mirrors. It made me nervous to wear anything but sweats. I'd pull on my skin trying to ripe it off. I hated it. I hated me. 4

Everything just seemed to stop one day during a movie. The solution to my problem. I mean it could hurt me. Its not like anyone would know except me. So I did it. At lunch that day I went to the bathroom. I turned up the faucet all the way, and I did something that I never thought I would ever do. I slowly stuffed my two fingers to the back or my throat. I gagged, I coughed, and then I threw up. The sight of the near digested food just made me want to puke more. So I did. I did again and again and again until there was nothing left in my stomach. It felt so good. I can't really explain the feeling. My body was shaking. My throat was sore, but I controlled myself. For once in my whole life i controlled myself and my food. I felt so alive nothing really seemed to matter. You'd think I would feel bad after doing something as horrible as that but I didn't. I didn't at all....5

I started to cut back on food. I skipped lunch claiming to have eaten a big breakfast, where really I didn't eat breakfast either. And when I lost control of myself and ate I'd just throw it all up again. Who knows why I did it. I sure don't. I didn't consider it a problem. No one knew about it. I mean everyone has their addictions. Some people do drugs. Others have sex.... I threw up or didn't eat at all. I liked having control over my body. I started to shrink from a size 14 to a 10... I was so happy.... I started getting comments from others. It made me even happier. But I still didn't make any friends, so I continued to not eat. I made me happy so why should i have stopped? I mean really, this showed to everyone i wasn't perfect. I am flawed!! See everyone!! It was my addiction my flaw, and I wasn't about to give it up. My flaw made me special and I liked that.... I liked that until I got sick. Really sick. I never thought it would end like this. I was lying on the floor, my eyes falling shut. This was crazy, its just a little addiction, it can't hurt me! But thats where I was wrong, and thats where I ended it. Lying desperately on the ground wishing praying that someone would come looking for me. I just wanted help, any kind of help. And thats when I realize as I struggled to breathe and stay awake, that help is all I ever really wanted. All I really wanted was someone to take me up into their arms and let me talk for once, not cloud my mind with their problems. It was all clear to me now, but now was too late. I was too far gone for help now.....6