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The ocean was eerily calm on this particular night. Maria couldn’t remember a time when it was ever this calm, and she had spent every night of every summer since she was a child looking off this balcony. The sun seemed to be setting slower than usual, and Maria felt as if she were frozen in time, in her own little world and this moment belonged only to her.2
She continued staring out towards the calm of the ocean, unblinking, unmoving, and without realizing it, she was barely breathing. All was quiet, as if she had suddenly gone deaf, and nothing felt real, as if she were dreaming. The breeze against her skin was warm, and her body felt unbelievably relaxed.3
Slowly, she closed her eyes, brought her hand up to her face, and lightly caressed her cheek. The tips of her fingers floated ever so lightly down her cheeks, across her jaw-line and along her lips, before finding their way towards her feather soft hair, flowing through as smoothly as water. She knew she was beautiful, and on nights like this, she felt like a goddess, completely in control of everything, like she held the world in the palm of her hand.4
Maria opened her eyes slowly, smiling, knowing what she would see. Off in the distance, without disturbing the peace of the ocean, a single swan glided across the horizon.5
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Author notes
I have no clue where this came from, but for some reason, I've had the title 'The Summer of the Swan' floating around in my head and was BURSTING to write something that would apply to that title...
I might add onto it, if I can think of an actual plot...but right now I have horrible writer's block. I'm actually surprised this came out even half decent 
kayla*
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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You use the word "calm" twice. Maybe you could find a different word, serene, tranquil, quiet, still, unruffled, etc...
as if she had suddenly gone deaf, and nothing felt real, as if she were dreaming... here you use the phrase "as if twice in the same paragraph. Maybe you could say "like a dream" instead.
unbelievably relaxed... I have a friend who has been getting on me about adjectives recently. Instead of saying "unbelieveably relaxed" can you describe how relaxed she was? For example "she was so relaxed that she almost felt as if her consciousness had left her body." Or something along those lines.
like she held the world in the palm of her hand... this phrase is cliche... find a fresher way to show her feeling that she could do anything.
Nice ending. I picture Maria in her between 30 and 35, but that is only because of The Geography of a Woman: Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
I really like the end of it. Because of her name, Maria, I picture someone with dark hair and eyes, of either Italian or Latin descent. -
It's short and sweet, but there's one thing that seems abit disturbing to me;
"..knowing what was she would see.."
I guess I'm just a little confused about what you're actually saying here.
Isi -
I think this is very good, Kayla. Reads smoothly and magicly. I think you have the beginnings of a very nice story.
You've painted a lovely scene and woven magical words throughout.
Maybe when you start to write the story itself, the words will just start pouring forth as they did with this brief introduction
Good luck in the contest and keep me posted about the story, okay?
luv and
Dee
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kushal, please look next to the title of something in the featured box from now on. If there is a purple book, that means it's a story. please do not waste my points by clicking on it, and deliberately not reading it because it is a story, when you should have been able to tell before you clicked.
kayla* -
Wonderful imagery in this write. It flowed well and kept me interested. I would like to see the rest of the story and how the swan ties in.
Regards,
Leo Long -
This was very lovely - reminds me a little of my "Tides of Ecuador" poem (#536835). I would like to see this arranged in more of a poetic style, but hey, whatever is your style is OK with me, as long as it is readable.
Best wishes,
Moses -
actually i thought it was some kind of poem, before i opened the link from the feature box.....but it happened to be a story...i hate the stories buddy....so, to be frank, haven't even gone through your story..............
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a beautiful start <------for I hope you will add to it , the title itself is mesmorising and the comparison of the girl that thinks herself beautiful and then the swan, that is simply awesome.....please continue , and remember ( not sure how much you know about ballet) but the swan ballerina always dies at the end in a dramatic scene she dances and dances and then very gracefully folds up her wings with one leg stretched out , head on her knee ......and the audience sobs
Much love ,
Reenie
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oh this is really lovely, a most beautiful almost magical scene you have painted here with your words.
Yes i can imagine a whole story written around this excerpt.
a couple of grammatical errors in there but easily remedied. (you don't need a comma when the next word is and)
I really enjoyed this and would love to see it expanded.
Well done.
Ann -
that's really pretty! i liked it how she felt sure about herself and how that translated into the sutle beauty of the solitare swan...very nice write!
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