"Dont you understand? It's OVER!" i screamed, as i was packing my bags. "Can't we just talk?" Jeff, my boyfriend, asked. "I have tried to talk to you but somehow all you want to do is talk to your Slutty girlfriend!" i yelled. His hand struck my face. I punched him in the stomach. "Dont you ever do anything like that again!" he yelled,"You said all i want to do is talk to my slutty girlfriend, and you are my girlfriend, and YOUR the slut!" I paused. I didnt know what to think. "I'm sorry...." he tried to say. "Shut up! You dont need to put on an act anymore because it is over!" i screamed. I threw my 6 inch by 6 inch mirror at him. He yelled,"You little whore! All you do is have sex for a living! Your a little screwy whore who doesnt know what the hell she is talking about!" That ended it. By that time i had walked out the door. Because it was done.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I like the emotion, the rage, you put in it. There are mistakes though. You forgot to capitalize the word "i" when it needed to be. Also, I would suggest you start a new paragraph whenever a new person speaks. This way, you actually follow the english dialogue rules and it is easier to read. Good job.
*Frozen Angel* -
Nice!
I like that it's first person, because it hits you that little bit harder than it would if it were in third. I really like the occasional short sentences, like 'I paused' and 'I screamed'. Nice job!
beginning: 5, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Very nice, please do more soon. It leaves the reader wanting more. I liked the wording but separating the dialogue would have made it easier to read.
Anyway please go on with this.
Keep up the great work
Em
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