Tok, tok, tok. Tok, tok, tok.
Ungh. What is it now? I shuffled over to the bedroom door and took a peek into the hallway. My heart skipped a beat and dropped to the floor.
What’s going on? Have we been ransacked? Our house was a complete mess. Clothing was strewn about. Household items lay scattered on the floor, taken from their proper places. A notice was freshly nailed to the front door. I read it, sopping the words up like a sponge.
This cannot be happening! I already lost my dad in the Dregan war two years ago. How dare they take my mom from me! I don’t know if I will be able to get through this sort of thing again.
My mother had been found guilty of treason, and our family is now considered to be cast out from society. I read the next line. It can’t be! My mother was going to receive the death penalty. I can’t let this happen! How could she be guilty of treason?
I had to go to the king of Ukayali himself. It was the only way I could save my mother. There’s no way I was going to lose her, if I could help it.
I tore for the castle as fast as my feet could fly. Tears smeared down my cheeks as I ran. I tried to stop. When the flow of tears slowed down, I wiped them away. I wouldn’t allow myself to appear before the king blubbering like a baby.
I approached the monstrous castle gate and was stopped by a guard. “I … I request an audience with the king, sir,” I said to one of the castle guards. “My mother is on death penalty for treason, and I wish to prove her innocence.”
“Name?”
“Zephyr. Zephyr Aryn. M…May I please enter?”
“You may. You are not allowed to bring weapons inside. If you have any weapons, I will take them from you. You will receive them when you leave.”
I showed him that I had no weapons, so he allowed me to proceed.
The inside of the palace was beautiful. The edges of the walls, ceilings, and floors were lined with sapphires and silver. The rest of it was smooth, white marble. A waterfall flowed through a hole in the roof and tumbled over a golden waterwheel and down through a hole in the floor. The waterwheel was connected to the wall and looked like it supplied power for the castle. Strings of jewels and dried flowers dangled from the ceiling, filling the room with a fresh scent. Wonderful paintings lavished the walls with elegance.
I couldn’t look at it any longer. These people lived in luxury, with the peasants at their mercy. I needed to concentrate on gathering my thoughts together. Concentrate. My case needs to be good. He could get rid of me with a wave of his hand. If that happened, my mom was as good as dead.
A guard led me into his massive throne room. A fountain trickled in the center, and the air had the scent of the water flowers that floated in the pool around the fountain. It was meant to be soothing, but I was shaking. My mind felt like it consisted of mashed potatoes. Why am I here? I should just leave. No! I can’t! I need to do this for mom.
Approaching the throne, the king loomed ahead of me. This guy looks like he hasn't done a single ounce of work in his entire life! His sides cascaded over the armrests of his throne. His head sat there atop his massive body, looking very small in comparison. Small eyes twinkled menacingly at me like those of a maddened goose.
“Step forward. State your name and your complaint.” His dark, slitted eyes glowered at me from underneath his golden crown. I stood there, rooted to the spot. “Speak. Don’t keep me waiting. I have other more important matters to attend to. Peasants! You never will learn to tolerate them…” He sat there smugly, drumming his fingers on the armrest.
My blood began to simmer. As he babbled on, it rose to a steady boil. “I am Zephyr Aryn, daughter of your loyal subject Liana. I am here on her behalf. Please let my mother go. She has committed no treason against you. I can prove it. Please allow me to get the elixir of truth. I’ll give it to her and have her drink it. Once she drinks it, she won’t be able to lie for several minutes. You can ask her for yourself if she has committed treason against your beloved kingdom of Ukayali.”
The amused expression slowly evaporated off his face. I held my breath as the king thought it over. He seemed rather shocked and taken aback by this prospect.
“Very well.”
“But sire!” His attendant burst out.
“As you were!” The man stiffened and closed his mouth. “We must give the girl a chance. If she fails, we have two less peasants to worry about. I shall grant you one week to complete your task. If you don’t return by midnight of the last day, the death penalty will be carried out. If you fail and still show your face in my village, it will be carried out as well.”
“Thank you, king Domagon! I promise not to let my mother down.”
I was led out of the palace, and the guards closed the heavy gate behind me.
Author notes
(This is option number two) Yes, this is where I got my name from. This is a story I wrote for class a couple years ago. It sure could use a lot of work, though. I did some editing and tweaking, but I could use some outside help. The format of this was a heroiv journey, but I'm going to change that a little. This is a fantasy story. Please make your criticism constructive. This is only the first chapter; the chapters are rather short. I just want to see the kind of thoughts and help I get on this one first. Since I can't get it to tab, I just separated the paragraphs.
A contest entry
- What can your mind create? by LostShadow.
275 points, ended May 27, 2007, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Contest for All - Big Points to win! by k3nny.
1250 points, ended June 16, 2007, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Several Options (plus a catchy title) by Manic Panicked.
525 points, ended July 9, 2007, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Just say what you feel needs telling...or have one of those random whims to comment on something.
Comments
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wow this was very nicely done, loved it.
Thanks for entering and good luck
Em -
Overall, this is a good story. There's no spelling nor grammar errors, i think and most parts of the story are well described.
Spelling and similar errors-
I have nothing else to say. I think that you did the job on that.
Style
Well, your style is different from what i read normally. But, basically this is quite good as it has managed to catch my attention and making me want to know more about the story.
Plot/storyline
Well, I think you could improve on this part. Descriptions can be brought to some parts of this. By this, i mean, explain more how the mother is gone. You only stated it. But you could have told us that while in the action.
Interpersonal involvement
There seems to be a lack of interaction among the characters. The heroine seems to be the only major character and this makes the reader have little attachment for the others. So do elaborate on the others.
Quality
The overall quality of the story is good. But I think that you tend to over-explain things sometimes. Some lines could have been totally ommitted from the story, especially at the beginning.
Conclusion
This is nice for a start. Basically, the story is good. You have to improve on the minor details here and there. You have given the story a body; now you'll have to give it its soul.
Good Luck in the contest!beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.


