The hot summer’s air beats down onto my skin, tiny beads of sweat form against my tanned forehead. The lemonade glass, that sits in my hand cools me off only slightly, I allow the fan from my bedroom window to do the rest. I’m thankful for the shade that the side of my rooftop gives me, making it so that the dark blue tiles beneath my lanky self to stay cool, and away from the sun.
I place the sweating glass to my parted lips, taking in the sweet substance quickly, wetting my mouth and lungs. I keep the glass on my neck, to cool me off slightly more.
The sky is a watery blue; no clouds can be seen from my hidden point of view. A single bird flies above me, and towards the sun behind me. It sings a slow tune against the bland summer’s breeze.
An unfamiliar sound peeks at my left. I quickly turn to my side, and towards my window. My eyes dart across my house’s own front lawn and over to my neighbor’s.
Four noisy moving vans park themselves in the tall Victorian house to my right. Three men popped out from each one, making a total of twelve distraught looking men.
The twelve men circle the yard until the tallest of the twelve find enough sense in his-own brain to go and knock on the front door, where the new owners of the house just may be.
He knocks, and a woman answers the door. The woman is short and slightly chubby with red rosy cheeks, and bleach blonde hair. She appears to be grinning from the short view span that I am allowed from the viewpoint of my home’s rooftop.
The woman leads the men inside, which leads them to unloading the fully supplied trucks. I can’t help but notice each of them struggle with the larger of the items from the truck’s. How tiny they look is almost amazing, without my greatly needed binoculars.
I look to the woman’s backyard, taking my gaze from the workingmen; I fully realize how greatly I am in need of a life. Although, observing is what I do best.
And that’s when I see him. He’s roughly 6’4 with a strikingly built figure. He looks no older than eighteen and no younger than sixteen. His skin is a golden brown, showing off his obvious Hispanic genes.
He walks across the backyard stopping at one of the many pool chairs positioned around the dark wooded deck. He leans over and grabs at something, only I can’t see exactly what it is.
I quickly stand on my knees, carefully quick. I position my binoculars back to my face and slightly lean over the roof, allowing only my elbows to peer off.
He now rests on the chair, his brown chest slightly gleaming. A can sets in his hand, and repeatedly to his pink lips. A towel lies against his lower body as he tans the already perfectly tanned body that it appears to be genetic.
I stay in my stance, getting more and more comfortable as time goes on. Soon enough, I get bored with the boy; I seek for more enjoyable entertainment.
I look back to the front yard of the old Victorian, where I once saw the bubbly blonde and twelve workers. It seems that two of the four trucks have left.
I see the woman from before, on the side of the house, her lips locked with the taller one of the working crew. The one who had knocked on the door, and the one who appeared not to know her. Oh, how looks can be deceiving.
I look back to him, the boy in the back, as he sits on his chair, white headphones plugged into his ears. Oblivious to what the bubbly woman is doing only yards away from him. Maybe he knows, and just doesn’t care.
I return to my gaze, binoculars out of hand and now resting on my window seal. The sound of moving around from the old Victorian fills my right ear. The peaceful sound of nothingness fills my left.
I wonder to myself at how foolish I can be. I take no interest in the life of my own. But far too much in the ones around me.
I hear a small voice and my heart stops. In a sense I know that it’s impossible, but in another, by have never feeling this, I somewhat believe that it has, in fact, stopped.
My breathing quickens, as I fling myself to the side of the roof. Hiding myself for mere seconds. I hear the voice again trying to get the attention of what it seems like, myself.
I reach to my binoculars; throwing them through my bedroom’s open window and having them land softly onto the bed. Having done this many times, but never have I felt such a rush of fear and embarrassment at one time in all my seventeen years.
The voice calls again, as I slowly creep down the side of my roof. Edging over to the end of my houses own roof.
I peak below myself and am brightly surprised at whom I’ve placed my eyes on.
The boy from the backyard.
I am still trying to process at how he has found out where I am in hiding, and how he could have seen me from before.
“Hey,” His voice says from below me.
My cheeks grow hot at the sound of his voice. I lean over slightly more to get a good look at him.
He stands with his hip only slightly propped. The towel that once lay across his slender form now rests against his chest and back. His bright green eyes are wincing from the position that he stands him, facing the hot summer’s sun.
“Y-yes?” I speak out, my voice cracking loudly.
“Hey,” He says again, staring up at my awkward self. “I saw you looking over and thought that I’d introduce myself.”
I bashfully look away from his smile, purely out of embarrassment that I had been caught. Never before had anyone noticed, and if they had they never thought to say anything.
“S-s-sorry about that,” I cough out, my mouth suddenly becoming dry.
“It’s quite alright!” He laughs to me, not in a bad way, but in a highly friendly way. “Everyone wants to see something new.”
I nod slowly, needing that glass of lemonade, which rests only mere inches away.
“As I was saying,” He says mostly to himself before turning back to me. “I’m Andrew.” He tells me, a smile placed against his full lips.
I gulp down the tiny bit of saliva that spreads against my tongue, before politely returning the introduction. “I-I’m Emily.”
He cocks his head to the side and places his hand against his face to hide the sun from his eyes. “It’s nice to meet you, Emily.”
The sound of my name coming from his lips brings an unfamiliar smile to my own.
Author notes
Okai...Keli...I hope this is what your contest wants. *hopes it is*
Hm...but yeah, I hope ya'll like this. I had fun writing it. I couldn't concentrate on anything else so...yeah.
This is a happy write, so...that's a plus. I dont think I've written anything like this...
A contest entry
- Paint Your Canvas With Words... by Chemical Imbalance.
350 points, ended June 1, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Three part contest by Rosemary.
175 points, ended May 31, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING! by Magma Globe.
130 points, ended July 13, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Very good describing!
This story was really good and it really made me want to read on as soon as I read the start this is a masterpeice! -
Aww I love's this: Great write, I enjoyed reading.
You 'ave the talent, thats for sure.
-S -
Hey Gaby
Sorry for taking so long in reading this
I think this IS what Keli wanted I have nothing to say with your describing prowess, you are just that gifted Did you have fun writing this? becase I certainly had fun reading this 
may all girls be as lucky as Emily!
Thanks for sharing this with us!
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B Chandler did very good on her comment with saying what needs to be corrected. I think that overall you've done very well just needs a bit tweeking in it
Good luck in the contest! -
Corrective Suggestions
This is going to be a bit lengthy, so I will just simply show you the possible corrected suggestions instead of going into details.
P1: The hot summer’s air beats down onto my skin while tiny beads of sweat form against my tanned forehead. The lemonade glass, that sits in my hand, cools me off only slightly. I allow the fan from the bedroom window to do the rest and thankful for the shade that the side of the rooftop gives me, making it so that the dark blue tiles beneath stays cool and away from the sun.
P2: Placing the sweating glass to my parted lips, taking in the sweet substance quickly, wetting my mouth and lungs, I kept the glass on my neck to cool me off slightly more.
P3: The sky, a watery blue, no clouds can be seen from my hidden point of view and a single bird flies above me toward the sun behind me, singing a slow tune against the bland summer breeze.
P4: An unfamiliar sound peeked out at my left, so quickly turning to my side, and in the direction of my window, my eyes darts across my house’s own front lawn then over to my neighbor’s.
P5: Four noisy moving vans parked themselves in the tall Victorian house to my right where three men popped out from each one, making a total of twelve distraught looking men.
P6: They began circling the yard until the tallest of the group had found enough sense in his own brain to go and knock on the front door where the new owners of the house just may be.
P7: He knocks, and a woman answers the door. She, a short and slightly chubby with red rosy cheeks and bleach blonde hair, appeared to be grinning from the short view span that was available from the viewpoint of my home’s rooftop.
P8: The woman led the men inside, which guided them to unloading the fully supplied trucks. I can’t help but notice each of them struggle with the larger of the items from one of the moving vans. How tiny they look in comparison was almost amazing, especially without my greatly needed binoculars.
P9: Looking towards the woman’s backyard, taking my gaze from the workmen, I fully realize how greatly I’m in need of a life although observing is what I do best.
P10: And that’s when I saw him. He’s roughly 6’4 with a strikingly built figure; looks no older than eighteen yet no younger than sixteen. His skin, a golden brown, were showing off his obvious Hispanic genes.
P11: As he walks across the backyard stopping at one of the many pool chairs positioned around the dark wooded deck, he leans over and grabs at something- only I can’t see exactly what it is.
P12: Quickly standing on my knees, carefully, I repositioned my binoculars back to my face while leaning slightly over the roof, and than allowing only my elbow to peer off.
P13: He now rests on the chair, his brown chest slightly gleaming. A can sets in his hand, and repeatedly to his pink lips. A towel lies against his lower body as he tans the already perfectly tanned body that it appears to be genetic; staying in my stance, getting more and more comfortable as time goes on soon enough, I became bored with the boy so I sought for a more enjoyable entertainment.
....That's all the suggestion I'm going to give but as you can tell by moving some things around, dropping a word or phrase, then finally replacing or simply combining are you able to get that 'oomph' effect out to your reading audiencebeginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Good story
Nice descriptions. You showed nicely how an awkward girl can become so shy and self concious. -
The lemonade glass, that sits in my hand cools me off only slightly, I allow the fan from my bedroom window to do the rest. -- comma after 'glass' is unneccessary.
It sings a slow tune against the bland summer’s breeze. -- very nice.
Three men popped out from each one, making a total of twelve distraught looking men. -- I think you switched tense here.
the tallest of the twelve find enough sense in his-own brain to go and knock on the front door -- his own, not his-own and finds, not find.
I can’t help but notice each of them struggle with the larger of the items from the truck’s. -- trucks, not truck's.
I peak below myself and am brightly surprised at whom I’ve placed my eyes on. -- peek, not peak.
I like this. You use good description. Emily, your narrator, seems the kind of person I often am. Watching other people, planning out their life stories without them ever knowing. Or at least, that's the impression that I got.
This shows potential. There are a few mistakes, and you might want to read it back over for a few awkward wordings, but there's something there, definitely. Is there going to be a follow-up? You've got me intrigued now, I want to know what happens with Emily and Andrew..
Keep it up sweetie.
xx
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Hmm.. I like it
, i liked the way you showed how hot it was.. are you writing more?
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Reading this, I noticed that the story pays attention to the setting, which is always wonderful. Setting and characterization are the two really undervalued tools that pull the reader into the story. That aspect of the story made me happy.
Best of luck on the contest!beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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You're writing more, right?
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You did a good job on this. You do have a few grammatical errors here and there, but those are easily fixed. I liked the spying and being found out idea. It gives her a sense of being important enough for someone to notice, which is nice. Good job on this. Thanks for enterting the contest and good luck!
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Thankies, glad you liked it!
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ooooh Gaby I really liked this one!!! Of course, that's what I say about almost everything you write... x.x But I did I found it sort of funny that Emily was caught on the roof spying on that dude andrew
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