Fears

During these last few year, so much has changed. Now, if I have a cough, I know that is has to be something worse than a cold. The same goes for my kids, I always think the worst. I have always been one to stress on things, but now it is so much worse.
During this last year and a half, we have watched four family members die, and our now trying to hold on to the fifth for as long as we can.
I wasn't there to see my grandpa, I was to busy with my kids to and never got a chance to go down and say goodbye. What was really sad is that I learned more about him through his obituary than I ever knew while he was a live. But that was my grandpa, he wasn't one that you could get close to. The only picture I have of him came from his obituary too. The first time that my grandma ever held either of my kids was after my grandpa died, even though they saw my son numerous times, he was almost three by then.
I never met my step moms brother who died in October. He died the weekend after my dad was in the hospital for chest pains, my dad was okay. That was suppose to be the time we were going to celebrate my daughters first birthday, the party never happened. Which I understand. I was just glad that she was to young to understand.
On Thanksgiving day, my aunt and her boyfriend were coming back from Lagrande and their truck got stuck in the snow. When he tried to dig it out, he collapsed and died of a heart attack. She has one son over in Iraq, and worries about him, hoping he will come home okay.
Then there was my uncle who died on December 23, right before Christmas. He had drank himself to death. The last time I saw him was a couple months before he died. I never knew it was that bad. It wasn't till my dad was in the hospital that I found out my uncle was dying. I never was to close to him, but he was nice. I can still remember seeing him, and I didn't realize how soon he would be gone.
Now my other uncle, my moms brother, is dying of cancer. Eight months ago, he was given 2 weeks to 6 months to live, he is still holding on. But he can't eat and is slowly slipping away. The cancer is eating him alive. I saw him a couple months ago, he didn't look to bad then, but now he is down to 108 pounds or so, and he is almost 6 feet tall. My mom doesn't know if she has the strength to come down to see him again, that I understand.
What makes me wonder about all of this, and about me, is the way my family does this. My grandpa asked my mom to turn off his oxygen and to just let him go, they wouldn't do it. They waited for him to go. Which he finally did, after a few more days of suffering. I don't know much about my step moms brother and my aunt boyfriend was gone before any thing could be done, but things were different with my uncle.
When my uncle on my dads side got to where there was no help and he was just suffering, they stopped the machines and let him go. Let him be free from the suffering.
Now with my moms brother, I wonder if my family will be able to let go. Will they have him on the machines, when there is nothing more that can be done, and he wants to go. Or will they let him say to stop it all, and do it, and let him finally be at peace. I don't know how it will go, but it makes me wonder what I would do. It also makes me afraid that something is going to happen to me or my kids and I am going to have to make a choice like that myself, and I have to wonder, would I be strong enough to let go. Or would I hold on and watch them suffer, just because it hurts me to much to say goodbye?