The Prodigy
It was the last block of the day- history. I hate history! Its boring and slow and over and done with. I never held a passion for war or politics and could never find the slightest interest in tyrants.
The two minute bell for class rang as I walked in with books and passbook in hand. A pencil was tucked away snug in the binding. Going to my seat though, I noticed something strange. Someone occupied the usually empty seat next to mine. Who is that? I sat down and said 'Hey' to my friends.
Leslie sat behind me and Seth to my left. Leslie didn't seem to notice him as she doodled on her Cold War notes from yesterday. Seth was shuffling through the songs on his iPod, headphones on. The stranger stared down at his class schedule to my right. "Do you need any help figuring that out?" I asked giving a shy smile. He didn't seem to hear me so I asked again. The stranger looked up to gaze into my face as if he were memorizing it.
"I did all right with my classes," Duh Delanie, its the end if the day. "But I'm not sure who my adviser is." I leaned in to look at the paper and pushed my hair back over my shoulder, quickly figuring out his whole schedule.
I lightly tugged on the paper. "May I?" On the other side of the sheet I drew a much easier to read chart of class, room number, teacher name, and time. My new friend had study hall first, studio art, anatomy and physiology, third lunch, and then history. We only had lunch and this class together, but he was in the study hall that I often visited during my chemistry class. "Here's an easier way to read your schedule. If you don't have anyone to sit with yet, you can sit with me at lunch tomorrow." I smiled at the stranger letting his beauty sink in.
He had straggly hair in black and bronze that was lightly gelled into a fashioned mess. His eyes were extremely deep and dark, almost black. His jawline was broad and...
"Do you know who my adviser is?"
"Oh, sorry." I glanced at the paper again. "Yeah, that's the assistant principal, Mr. Morse. He's my adviser too."
The door suddenly flew open and Mr. O'Shan walked in with papers falling from the stack in his arms creating a trail from the door to his desk. "Okay class, today we have a new student," A glance to the top paper on the pile and... "Mr. Ross is it?"
"Yeah." He barely even looked up to the teacher still locking a gaze with me.
Mr. O'Shan left it at that and started introducing the Korean side to the Cold War. I felt a tap on my shoulder and Leslie received her introduction. I also motioned to Seth which seemed to grab his attention. He put down his music and gave our friend a look over while Leslie got a little better acquainted without my help.
Leslie was very pretty. A slender figure, long brown hair and a pretty face. She had her share of boys come and go, but couldn't seem too find Mr. Right. I knew she was thinking that Mr. Ross and Mr. Right looked a lot alike at the moment.
Seth didn't seem as impressed with him though. He made all the right moves to appear uncaring though I knew he really was interested because he was acting distant to everything, not just our guest.
“...plan to reunite Korea as had been attempted with Germany...”
“So, do you think you could show me where...” Ross looked down to the schedule again. “Mr. Morse's room is after class?”He gave a tempting smile and continued. “I'm supposed to give this to him with all my teachers signatures.”
I smiled back. “Yeah, sure.” Oh, this conversation made me sound really intelligent.
Ross turned back to face the notes that Mr. O'Shan was presenting. He didn't write them, just looked. I realized I was staring as his eyes met mine once again and quickly turned away to continue writing my notes down. Why did history have to be so incredibly boring, and Ross seem so interesting? It was much too easy to be swept up by his presence.
I continued desperately to try and stay focused on the lesson, but just could not prevail. Ross continued to stare blankly ahead, his head resting against his hands, elbows on the desk. I couldn't keep my eyes from veering over. To my surprise though, he was looking straight back at me.
A timid smile spread across my face before I turned away, once again trying to catch any part of what Mr. O'Shan was saying. But I could still feel eyes on me.
The rest of the class period was like that, playing eye tag with my new neighbor. He had the most gorgeous eyes, so dark and intense. Each time I went to turn away it would be harder, like there was some sort of magnetic pull keeping my gaze.
RING!
“So, you'll show me where Mr. Morse is?” Ross was standing over my desk, books in hand before I had even stood up.
I nodded. “Yeah. I'll walk you there.”And I stood with my books to walk out of the room saying 'Bye' over my shoulder. I rounded the corner and slowed at the doorway to check where my shadow was.
“Right here?” He asked and I was startled not realizing his closeness. He just smiled.
“This is his office.” I poked my head into the room to see he was there. “Mr. Morse?” My adviser's head whipped up from his paperwork. “This is your new advisee.” I opened my mouth again to introduce him better but realized Ross was not his first name.
“Eric Ross.” He smiled brightly and handed the signed slip over.
Mr. Morse smiled back. “How was your day Eric?”
“It was good thank you.”
Mr. Morse's expression faded as he looked at me. “Delanie, aren't you going to miss your bus?”
Oh my God! I had let it slip my mind completely. “I'll see you tomorrow.” I called jogging down the hall. I rushed in and out of my locker and ran outside just in time to watch my bus leave.
“Need a ride?”
Author notes
okay... so everyone keeps getting delanie's gender wrong. she is a girl! why does she seem like a guy, or can you think of anything i can do to make her stand out more as a girl?
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A contest entry
- Options Inside by Taylor Renee.
500 points, ended September 16, 2007, 69 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options and Options! by Paws.
106 points, ended August 3, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 2000 Points Cash- Up For Grabs! by Chibi-chan.
2400 points, ended July 31, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Have some fun. by Sammeh Cat X.
100 points, ended August 17, 2007, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - my first contest!(lots of options!!) by Blu3Rose.
310 points, ended August 19, 2007, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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I think the reason why some readers confuse your character is that you don't really describe her much. You allow you reader to try to conjure her up and they end up getting a guy. Don't leave the character discription to their imagination. As a writer, put the vision into their minds. Take care and nice writing.
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O.O OH I will be book marking this to read again and again, what a nice light read for me to enjoy in the early morning... I really appreciate this peice of work... I think eric is a great character and the prodigy has been confimed with me
correction it was intruging, and now I am rambling lol...in other words you made me morning bright
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Full of Promise
This was good, subtly letting the audience guess as to why Eric was so entrancing... good job...
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Since Seth is still in his mess and not out of it yet, I shall delve into Eric's mess
There were a few spelling errors, like its instead of it's, but on the whole, this holds a very different feel than the othe stories I've read of yours.
And, I could tell right away that Delanie was a girl
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Good read
Good flow
High school history class was expected to be dull to girl.
New male student appears.
Girl helps new student with his schedule
Attracted to each other
Takes him to his advisor’s office.
Misses her bus.
Offered a ride by new student.
Very simple situation but nicely written.
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I can tell she's a girl, because you wrote: I smiled at the stranger letting his beauty sink in.
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This is good, there were a few moments where Delaine was thinking but since it wasn't italicized i mistakened it for speaking. Going to read more.
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she has thought sequences but i havent gotten around to getting italics on them. but yes i guess they are spoken thoughts.
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Very good! :)
Very well written and planned. You can add some details and characteristics about Delanie to make her seem like a girl. And try to refer to her as 'her' when writing, so people understand. Anyways, very good.
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yeah delanies characteristics come along in the next few chapters. the only thing about using 'she's and 'her's is that its written in first person so its harder to referance her unless she does it herself. but im glad that you liked! thanks
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Here is the review I promised you after the contest was over!
I found only one nit needing to be fixed:
[an easier way to read you schedule.] --> an easier way to read your schedule.
As for how the story is going, it's startingout a bit slow, but this is needed in this case, to develop the two main characters a bit. However, you need a gripping first sentence - or paragraph - to tease to reader and direct their focus. A bit of foreshadowing would do the trick.
As an exaple, you might recast the first paragraph like this:
I had always hated History class, Never had I held a passion for war or politics and I couldn't find the slightest interest in tyrants. And yet, this year it all changed, and all because I met a boy named Eric.
This paragraph creates many story questions. Who is Eric? What will he do? Is he good or bad? These question came through at the end of your first chapter, but it is best to place them into the reader's mind at the beginning, as you want those questionsthere from the start, so that they keep reading on.
As far as where to go from here - well, the sky is the limit. It sounds like you have already setup characters that could easily clash together, allowing for the conflicts neccessary to move such a story forward.
As a thought, Seth could secretly like Delanie, but is too scared to say anything - that could be the reason for his indifference. He could then, in a sense, become the protagonist, sabotaging Dalanie's efforts throughout the story to be with Eric. Leslie could do the same, but she is so obvious, and would be expected.
As an interesting twist, you could show that someone is sabotaging the romance, and leave it open to who is doing it. They will ineitably blame Leslie, and would be shocked later that it was quiet Seth. To make this work, you would need to do some tiny foreshadows showing Seth having affection for Delanie, without coming out and saying it. The reader wouldsubconsciously pick up the clues, and when the truth was shown, would wonder why they had not seen it earlier.
Just a thought.
You're on your way with this story, and I would encourage you to keep moving along to see what spills out. It's best to do a few chapters, then go back to edit. If you edit each chapter as you write it, it will be too fresh to be objective. Also, if you go back a few chapters to edit, you pick up an inconsistencies that might form along the way.
Good luck with the story! -
Than you for entering my contest!
I think I know why they think Delanie is a guy. It's this line here.
"I did all right with my classes," Duh Delanie, its the end if the day. "But I'm not sure who my adviser is." I leaned in to look at the paper and quickly figured out his whole schedule.
Best way to set her out? Have her flip her hair back or to the side.
As for other ideas, I will gladly share once the contest is over.
Again, thank you for your entry, and good luck!
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Wow- this is the start to a very good story. Are there more parts, dare I ask? Good job!
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of course... just click next in list. its above the contsest entries
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Okay, I'm hooked!
He's cute! Haha...On to the next one in the list!
The thing that surprised me was that I haven't even thought of reading this until now. Stupid, stupid me! Haha
H.P. -
There's a few punctuation mistakes (mostly missing commas)
"and" and "but" shouldn't start a sentence if they're not in dialogue. I suggest rewording or joining it with the previous sentence.
On the overall story, I think you could have gone a little deeper about the main character, we don't know much about him and at first I wasn't even sure it was a him. Expanding on that would take away the confusion. Otherwise it's well done, the dialogue flows smoothly. Good luck in the contests. -
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wow it really must be confusing because delanie is a girl! i personally thought the name was pretty feminine by i guess i need to make it even more clear. thank you for pointing out how confusing the character is. i will be sure to do something about that.
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wow...really nice.....very good 4 a contest like mine
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wow..i liked this alot........its really really gud.........thcn for enteirng......it has a gud flow.........gud job!!!
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of course continue it. duh. i hope that ur going to write more or u alrdy have! awesome start.
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Interesting start, leaves lots of questions about Eric.... please continue
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Do you even need a comment to know it's a great story? It's really interesting. You have to continue. One thing though, you haven't really described Delanie.
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thanks bunches for the read... and if you want to find out more about her read on. it will all be revealed in time! lol
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Hmm..
I really liked it.. o_o... strange..
i liked the sound of eric... but one question.. the main character, girl or guy?
Good luck.. and please continue
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delanie is definately a girl... lol
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Hmmmm
well i dont know if i really liked it all that much. but i can say that i aboslutly LOVED IT!!! please continue writing the story. It sounds oh so interesting.
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wow thats really good you should continue it i cant wait to read more
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I absolutely love this!! You totally left me hanging at the end though. And I agree with Drac- I already feel a...how would you say it? A connection with the characters.
Great
-Sarah
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Nice!
I like this. It's sweet and it's building up to more suspense. I can't wait to read more! Please write more, I like where you're going with this ^_^
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This is great..It started out nicely!
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I agree with Drac, this is excellent. Flows perfectly my only suggestion is Hurry up So i can hear more. haha. no but really this is really good, and I enjoyed reading it the whole way through. But I have a suspition about just what Eric is...but idk can't wait to read more!
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Eh... Let me just say this out loud and clear... This is not a waste of time!
Oh my God, this is good writing! =D
I just realized that I have to read alot more of your work! This is very good! =D
I already feel a bond to the characters, and I love the way you write! =)
Very well done!
And do continue it! =)
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this reminds me of a book i read a while ago...the name escapes me but it was a great book! lol
this is a good start, and you have a lot of potential plot lines to follow, should you wish to continue with it. i think you used dialogue well, along with her thoughts throughout the piece. you have a nice easy to read style, and that makes the piece enjoyable. i would certainly read further parts of this story. great job. -
wow! I really liked this! Even though I thought I would stray from reading it, I couldn't look away! Oh my, you did SOOO well!!! GREAT job! I wish I had seen this earlier! I want to read more!!!!
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