This piece contains excessive profanity. It is not suitable for anyone who takes things seriously. Read at your own risk.1
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A four hundred pound Waitress approaches Stung in a bar, who looks pale and weak after an eighteen hour stint of playing computer games with his enemy and roommate JR. For some odd reason, she finds him mildly attractive.3
"Hey honey, you look tired and thirsty. I just know you want a beer and a nightcap!" she says, twirling one of her pigtails and batting her eyelashes.4
Stung, who is resting his head on a one thousand page textbook on logic that he carries around with him so that everybody knows he is the fucking man, glances at the flirting waitress and is instantly enamored by her larger than life beauty. Deciding that he must win her over, he opens up to page two of his textbook and recites her comment in the form of a truth table at the top of the page. He concludes that If talking in logic doesn't impress her, nothing will.5
"Hey babe, your statement is reduced to a true and false value. It's true if I want to consume a beer 'and' fuck you, but false otherwise. It's probable I would be considering at least one of those things, however, thus you would have been more reasonable in using an 'or' statement. Then your statement would be more likely to be true."6
"What the fuck?" she says, staring at him coldly. "Talking like that will never get you laid."7
"Logical fallacy!" he screams. "Been fuckin' bitches since '99."8
"Whatever," she says passively, and proceeds to walk away.9
"Bitch!" yells Stung from his bar stool, staring at her bouncing ass as she makes her way through the bar . "You don't matter, you're irrelevant," he pouts like a child. Then, he whispers, "Come back...I need you badly..."10
"Shut the fuck up, Stung. Your pathetic," says JR, standing before him. 11
JR had followed Stung to the bar just to mock him and had listened to his conversation from a dark corner. He then decided to come over and confront him about it. Stung, however, pretends to ignore JR and stares up at the ceiling.12
"He's setting aside his insecurity-induced, overblown ego to focus on me! Quite the compliment really," says Stung, not meeting JR's eyes. "If I don't look right at him, I can tell people I'm really ignoring his comments about me being pathetic, when really I'm responding to it so that he can still hear me." 13
"Shut the fuck up. 1on1 Mariokart, right now pussy," says JR, flexing his gaming fingers. "Scared bitch?"14
"JR," says Stung in his rational tone. "This particular modification justifies a strict course of action such as ignoring your lame fucking ass."15
"Fuck you. I don't try to impress anyone with talk like that. Clearly you have something to prove."16
"I prove logic," says Stung simply.17
"Rock, Paper, Scissors, right now fag!"18
Stung agrees to the challenge and thinks, (if paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, the transitive law states that paper will beat scissors. X>Y, Y>Z, then logically X>Z. Therefore I'll just play paper then be invincible like usual.)19
Stung plays paper, JR plays Scissors.20
"I owned you!" yelled JR, raising his arms in triumph. "I'm the fucking greatest."21
"No you didn't, Idiot," says Stung. "My logical game play is too fuckin' good."22
"Scissors cuts paper, you homo," says JR, giving him the middle finger.23
"That's illogical!" screams Stung. He then thinks, (or is it? Could the transitive rule have failed me? I can't let him know, so I better use my vocabulary to throw him a curve ball. It might be enough to distract him) 24
"JR, You aren't a qualified authority on evaluating the veracity of how I perceive the end results of the game. I am. Therefore your evaluation of the result is irrelevant."25
"What the hell man? Uhh..." says JR, taken back by the thwarting vocabulary. Thus he reverts to his favorite expression. "I'm John Rocker. I spell my name with an x."26
Then the large waitress drops a goddamn bourbon street blaze, the entire bar catches fire, and they all fucking die.
A contest entry
- Turn the air blue! by Oh Spoons.
135 points, ended May 26, 2007, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Most Overly Done Contest Idea by Andrew Timothy.
250 points, ended August 30, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Augggggh. It's not BAD, it's just a novelty. This is a contest for stories, not toys of language.
When I said "I'm okay with language," that did not mean that I think it justifies a story -
This is just bordering on too much profanity, BUT, because this made me laugh (especially "logical fallacy" lol), I'm gonna keep this in.
The ending was great, the vocabulary was excessive, lol. Wonderful job. -
After all that the fatass drops a fucking molotove and kills them all! WTF MAN?!?!?
Lol was she a relative of us bro? Who cares
-Bro -
I like it.
It reminds of some of my friends, who seem to think logic is logical and think I'm not winning an arguement when I deviate from reality and start making stuff up, I still won that arguement I so did.
I love your portrayal of kind of nerdy guys who swear to be cool, its just so real.
Thanks for writting it, its great -
Hahaha... Oh man. That's a great peice (I'm working my way up to reading your novel, I promise.. Just give me time )
Rhetorical logic is understood by so few, and that seems like such a paradox.. but... damn!
I loved the transitive law bit.. As well as the "Logical fallacy!" statement. I'm saying that from now on. Oh yeah, that's sooo phrase of the month.
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That ending is just awesome!!! LOL
This was an incredbly funny, incredibly random and incredibly sweary story, and I loved it, no matter how illogical that may be!
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Very sweary!
Loads and loads of swearage throughout this piece.
The story is enhanced by it rather that detracted from.
All the best.
jsdk -
Hahaha! This was truly hilarious! Excellent piece of work. The 400 pound waitress is a bit… disturbing. Laughed until my tummy hurt! PS. Rock paper scissors is the ultimate solution to any two sided dilemma! JR kicks ass!
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sweeet i am cracking up in laughter i love it lalots good lucks in da contest
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ha, I love Stung with his vocabulary shield. . .reminds me of some people I know, i also like how the story doesn't make sense but does in a way. very funny!
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hahaha well you certainly made me laugh with this. and yes i truly read it . i liked the beginning and how witty the logic man was. the rock paper scissors game thats genius! oh wow great job on this! goodluck in the contest
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Stung is your dream man
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