Money, Success, Decadence, and Fishnets CHAPTER TWO

Everyone else seemed to know what was coming.  But nothing could have prepared me for the picture of beauty and sex that awaited me just outside those doors.  A curly headed absolute DOLL of a man turned to face his audience, sweeping his black and silvery glittery capey thing behind him.  (SIGH. DROOL.)  Female Square screamed and fainted into the arms of her straight laced male-equin, and I understood her reaction; I myself leaned a bit on Mr. Freezey to steady myself.  1

The gorgeous man was the absolute PICTURE of glamour goth with his chalky white face and luscious juicy…lips.  I recognized the shade of lipstick from my own collection:  Kinky Crimson Plum.  (Not only was he adorable, he also had good taste.)  The army of vaudevilles all seemed to know him and hold him in ultra-high esteem.  Michael was taken aback; even the King of the Club Kids could learn a thing or two about fabulosity from this Queen.  Christina got quiet; no longer was she the most…eye-catching…trannie in the room.  2

“How do you do I…”  HE SPEAKS.  Speak again, bright angel.   “…see you’ve met my…faithful…handyman.”  3

Is THAT what he called the little hunchback?  Oh deeear…4

“He’s just a little brought down because…when you knocked…” (he leaned into Michael) “…he thought you were the…Candyman.”  5

Michael leaned back into him.  “That was last week.” 6

I rolled my eyes.  Last week he was a candy cane.7

“Don’t get strung out by the way I look.  Don’t judge a book by its cover.  I’m not much of a man by the light of day.  But by night I’m one hell of a lover.”8

And the vision of a man threw back his cape and stepped forward wearing…an outfit nearly identical to Freeze.  Freeze gasped audibly and put his hand to his chest.  (Hehe…you know in his head he was saying “Oh no he DIDN’T!”)  But I will admit it.  The man was prettier than Freeze.  Hell, the man was prettier than Keoki.  May the clubgods forgive me for divulging it.  9

I was in love.  Or was it lust?  Who gave a damn, I wanted that man.  He pranced towards us, fairly trampling the squares and sending Christina twirling like a hideous plaid cyclone into a plaster statue of the David.  Giggling, Michael turned to watch him with unbridled glee.  Freeze was seething.  (Imagine the nerve of that man to look sexier than him.)  10

Suddenly it was made clear to us why the squares looked so positively terrified by the night’s trials.  The male-equin introduced them as Brad Majors and Janet Weiss (sounded like porn star names to me), and explained that all they really wanted was to use a PHONE.  Imagine being faced with a man whose legs rivaled that of a Rockette and who was so GENEROUS in showing them off and only wanting to LEAVE.  The audacity of those closeted porn stars.  11

The gorgeous man ascended to a throne (a THRONE!) and smiled at his audience flirtatiously.  Oh he WAS yummy.  He was soon surrounded by Columbia, the hunchback (who we were to discover was named Riff Raff—sadly cute), and the French maid (Riffy’s sister Magenta).  Michael threw his head back and squealed, rushing the throne like some screaming teenybopper and plopping his spiky silver tush right on that fabulous man’s lap.  I could have DIED.  But the beautiful man just wrapped his gorgeous arms around Michael’s stupid skinny waist and cuddled him affectionately.  (Damn you, Michael Alig.)  12

Christina started getting a little pissy, as she was used to all of Michael’s attention being focused on showing her off.  She exposed her wrinkly penis and started peeing on an ice sculpture of a swan, screaming and crying, horribly running her purple mascara.  Freeze rolled his eyes.  Ever strong and silent, that one.  Horrified at the way she was behaving in front of this…host…I rushed to her side and desperately tried to shove her back into her lacy panties.  Crying but not putting up much of a fight, she hobbled over to a step and sat down, sniffling.  13

The beautiful man prodded Michael teasingly in the side to convey he wished to stand up and the female square fainted again.  (HONESTLY…)  The beautiful man called himself a “sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania”.  I took this only to mean he had a sexy vampire fetish, like the one that I had always secretly hidden from the world myself. (Oh he was just perfect…)  He and Columbia did a little sexy hip dance in front of the throne and I wasn’t surprised to see Michael stand right up next to them and join in.  I looked on admiringly.  Damn you, Michael Alig.  14

Tossing that black hair behind him, he pranced to the little elevator he had descended from.  Michael ran after him, I ran after Michael, Christina after me, the Vaudevilles after Christina, the Squares after the Vaudevilles, the castle residents after the Squares, and a very sour Freezey bringing up the rear.  15

The man invited us to his laboratory.  (He was a STAR with theme parties.)  And up the elevator went.  For all I knew it took him straight up to heaven… Oh be still, my heart.  Michael turned to look at me and grinned his head off.  Damn you.  Damn you, Michael Alig!16