A total loss of reason through rationale and logic; A complete cease of anything resembling a coherent thought. The unabated power of man’s ability to ignore what he doesn’t want to admit is staggering, and in these instances one outside observer is prompted to quests the true bounds of reality. One could argue that perception is the true power to reality and that the thought of something is more tangible than the object itself.
I am not here to rectify this theory nor to deny it; No, I am merely here to present to you the same thing that was presented to me, or, at the very least, a full account of this incident as honestly and as completely as I may muster. I give you one last warning to your insistence that I recount this event, for once I’ve begun the effect is irreversible. And yet you inquire still? As you wish then, though by the end you’ll wish you’d taken my warning to heart.
It began much as things of the paranormal matter so oft do, with a single queer but otherwise completely harmless event. I was merely enjoying my evening walk through the neighborhood, when I noticed a middle aged man having a bit of trouble with a large box.
He was in front of a rather large house that no one had lived in for some time. I had lived in this part of town since I was a boy, and I could not recall anyone previously living in it. It really was a wreck of a house. It stood glorious in stature and style, but age and lack of care had degraded it to what I had thought was an unsolvable level. Being both the friendly and curious man I was, I walked over to the struggling man.
“Might I help you sir?”
He jumped a bit as if startled but then smiled at me. It was a kind and sincere smile, but I couldn’t help but feel some sort of chill even then.
“Please do, it’s quite a bit heavier than it looks.”
I entered the leaning gate and grab the opposite side of the box. To my surprise it was incredibly heavy, and even with the other man still lifting the largest portion of it, I still found myself quite out of breath when we finally set it down inside the house onto the rotting wood floors.
“Thank you so much, sir. I’m Dmitri Grey.” He held out his hand.
I took a breath.
“Jeffery Woods, “ I took his hand and grasped it. “Are you moving in here?” I asked curiously.
Dmitri nodded.
“That’s the plan, anyway. I know, it’s a bit in need of restoration, but that’s what I wanted it for anyway.. I got quite a decent price out of it at least. “
I nodded.
“It will certainly be something to see this place nice for once, I should think.” I commented.
“I must be going, it’s already getting late. If you need anything, please feel free to call.”
He walked me out the door and I pointed to my brick home a couple blocks down, and we said our goodbyes. Little did I know that single mundane event would cause me more difficulty than I’d have thought possible, more pain than anything imaginable, and a terror most unfathomable.
Author notes
Yeah I need a title hardcore BAD.
A contest entry
- Follow The Trail (Listen To Your Heart) by Phantasmix.
100 points, ended May 24, 2007, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SCAREY ME, if you can. :) by Jennywinnie.
550 points, ended October 13, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
-
What a disappointment
I thought I was reading a story. I love the way it started. You are a really good writer. I just like endings. I will have to watch for more. You are going to finish it, aren't you?
Trish
-
A complete cease
"A" doesn't need to be capitalized based on the punctuation before it. I couldn't help noticing you tend to use ; instead of . (You might want to reconsider this.)
I really like this story. The feel is realistic and the characters are built up to the point of believability.
I can't wait to read more.
-
I like the idea you've got here. I like the you've built up the tension through suspense at the end. I think the opening is very imaginative and sets a good tone for the peice, but I did find a few things you might look at to make it even better.
As good as the first sentence sounds, it's actually a run-on. You might try something like:
"I experienced a total loss of reason through rationale and logic; a complete cease of anything resembling a coherent thought..." I'm assuming that the narrator is feeling this after the knowledge of what happened in your story... anyhow you get the drift.
In paragraph two you don't have to use "and" if you say, "What? You inquire still?" Using "and" to start a sentence can somtimes be ok, but I try to avoid it as much as possible, and if there's a different way to reach the same effect, I take it.
"I was rather enjoying my evening walkING through..."
Very good bring in the tension with the box, I think though a bit more description of the man, and the house and the box will bring my tension in even more.
I loved this, Good Luck! -
Argh, that's not nice...*shakes finger back and forth*
lol, VERY interesting. I'll definatly go and read the next part.
There's a couple missing commas and I think one typo (quests-I think you want "quest"). Otherwise, this was very good.
-
I think your story is good, I hate to admit I had a little trouble getting into it at first though. It felt awkward with the use of difficult phrasing.
Even the dialogue feels somewhat forced. It sounds cold to the reader and makes it difficult to identify with them.
A little more detailing about who is involved could help too. There's not much depth to the people within the story.
I think that you, with a little rewording, have quite a good idea here.
You might want to double check your punctuation as well. When you identify the main character you make a statement of who he is.
Rewording it would improve the flow.
Instead of it reading...
“Jeffery Woods, “ I took his hand and grasped it. “Are you moving in here?” I asked curiously.
Making it something along the lines of...
“I am Jeffery Woods. Are you moving in here?” I asked curiously, taking his hand.
You already say you took the other characters hand so stating that you are grasping it is unnecessary.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful and I haven't offended you by them. I am not wanting to be presumptuous, nor am I entirely sure you want help on this. Good luck with this piece. -
I'm putting this in the compilation book as well.
-
That is so not fair. I hate this cliffhanger. It makes me mad!!!
Thats not fair. No way. You're mean
I'm just kidding. Great job on this!!! It was written really well and I loved the plot of this, it was a great story!!
Sorry, its like 2 in the moring
xoxo
Tay -
-
Lol, there is a part two.. but.. I'm afraid that doesn't have a resolved ending either
-
-
Wha Hoppen? The story disappeared? (I had no idea this was a serial!) just when it seemed to be going somewhere. Well...good writing in any case. Hooked my interest...nice even tempo...consistent voice...all the ingredients. (Do YOU know where you are going?) I hope so. Looking forward....
GA
-
Huh? A cliffhanger ending? On a story this good? Oh damn, who woulda guessed that? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens.. Damn it though I want more now.
-
-
Well, there is a part two up.. ^_^
-
-
What what what? =O
I want more! =)
Very well done story, with a good and entangeling start, and a great end that makes you want to read more!
Dmitri somehow reminded me a bit of Ted Bundy at the start... don't know why =P
Well, good work here =)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 1, characters: 5.
-
-
I've sorta forgot about this one.. I should add more to it..
I think I'll do that right now, actually.
Hee hee. Ted Bundy, huh? Intervesting.
-
-
The opening two paragraphs really drew me in, and thats saying something, considering I have ADD at the start of stories it seems.
"As you wish then, though by the end you’ll wish you’d taken my warning to heart I’m sure."
I recommend taking out the 'I'm sure' at the end of this line... adds more of an absolute to his statement, hence increasing the horror factor.
I do hope you continue this piece and finish for a change (I think it was you who said you don't finish them often )
Wonderfully written, and suspenseful. OoOoh
-
Hmmm... this looks promising- am I right in thinking things are soon to take a rather Lovecraftian turn for poor Jeffrey?
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
Um. I liked the beginning. I would definately positively add more to this story because it could be a good story if you added a lot more to it. I do think it is a good start though. I think you should prolong the ending and explain more. This is a good start though. Good job.
-
I'm thinking the title doesn't need to be changed for it is great however it is. I really liked how you described things and how you gave such a drawing intro to this story. This is definitely going in the finalists.
Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
