Painted fingers curled over the fret board, forming a simple chord. The opposite right hand cautiously stumbled over the sound hole, producing an uneven but sufficient strum. The left hand fingers moved to reposition themselves and the right hand strummed again, this time producing a less harmonious note. The play sighed and laid the instrument on the comforter beside her.
She slumped beside it, cross legged, with her hands resting on her pajama-clad legs.
She stared at the dark brown guitar neck to matching pick guard and sighed.
“I’ll never be able to play like you,” she whispered to no one. Why couldn’t he come home?
As if someone had heard her, her bedroom door creaked open. Her emerald eyes immediately met deep blue ones and a smile lit up her face.
“Miss me?” asked the tall man in the doorway with a warm smile.
Almost before he could finish, her arms were wrapped about his neck. He bent his neck and kissed her in the doorway softly and quickly.
“I love you so much…” he said as his lips still touched hers before he enveloped her into a deeper kiss.
His arms slid tightly around her waist and he gently lifted her up close to him she entwined her fingers in his shoulder length hair as he carried her back to the bed and sat her down.
“You’ve been playing?” he asked with a smile as he gently moved the guitar off the bed.
“I’m not sure you could call it that, “ she said almost embarrassed.
He laughed with an understanding nod.
“You’ll get it, love, you’ll get it …” His hand brushed her cheek and pulled her face to his for another stolen kiss before it abandoned her cheek to slide the thin strap from her shoulder.
Hours passed like mere seconds and morning found them both still awake, entwined under a thin sheet, skin on skin. Her head rested against his chest and her short light brown curls contrasted wonderfully to his long straight black locks. He held her hand and moved it to his lips, kissing her fingers softly as he stared into her eyes. His hand left hers and reached under his own head momentarily.
“… I love you,” he insisted, “More than anything….”
She looked up at him and her brow furrowed.
“Is.. is something wrong?” she asked.
He gulped hard.
“I got a letter yesterday.. .I’ve been drafted..” he said quietly.
Her happy gaze turned to immense sadness as tears pricked her eyes.
“I’ll come back to you, and then .. no more goodbyes..” his free hand rubbed her head as he tried to refrain from tears himself.
His other hand grabbed hers and slid something cold down her finger.
She looked over to it and the small diamond winked back at her.
“Until you get back.. dream of me..” she pleaded.
“I’ll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours..” he said as he kissed her.
She woke up shivering, lying in her bed next to nothing but a guitar and a draft letter, still waiting for him to come home.
Author notes
Bob Dylan-- "I'll let you be in my dreams If I can be in yours " I've never written romance.. ever.
A contest entry
- Quote Me On That by Hales13.
400 points, ended June 20, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Under read stories by plurangel.
250 points, ended May 31, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Come in and see... by Kevan.
135 points, ended June 15, 2007, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Tell me a short story! by Reaver.
350 points, ended May 31, 2008, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sweet shorts....... ( Not the ones you wear ) by NinjaMegami.
100 points, ended June 20, 2008, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Well, I scrolled down to see the Author Notes of the piece - usually a good thing to do before commenting (just in case) and guess what the ad on the bottom of the page was? "Guitars - Save up to 50% on Guitars. Click Here!" with this dirty blonde chick kneeling in her summer pajamas with an electric guitar. It really is fate that I look at this piece - all the signs point to it.
Now, enough midnight rambling. The actual story. A few thoughts about the structure first:
"cautiously stumbled" is an oxymoron and the blatant contradiction probably detracts from the image. I'd cut the adverb.
"Moved to reposition" - Why not "repositioned"?
"The play" -> "player" probably
I don't know much about a guitar, but I do know a few people who play, and usually when you're practicing, you're not sitting crosslegged, but straight, with one knee slightly higher. At least this is what I noticed - again, I don't play, so je ne sais pas si c'est vrais, but thought I should mention it.
"As if someone" -> "As if he"
"smile lit up" is cliche. Perhaps there is another way to describe this?
"Lifted her" - not certain how it's meant. by the waist? It's not very pleasant to be gripped around the waist and lifted, to be honest. The fingers tend to dig in. Maybe bridal style?
"Her happy gaze turned to immense sadness as tears pricked her eyes." - A little over informative for me, to be honest. Perhaps just "Tears pricked her eyes" since the reader already knows she was happy to see him, and tears mean she isn't. I don't think anyone would think she's crying for joy.
Now some real thoughts - for a first romance, this is very very well done I think. Even for a not-first romance it's solid. The ending packs a punch - the very last sentence is gold with the "still waiting for him to come home" really driving the point deep. The buildup to this point was great, I think, and made the last bit really resonnate, turning this into the story of story that actualyl does stay with the reader after he navigates from the page.
So yes, some thoughts. All my best,
Solidarity
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This was very well written.
Emotional and descriptive.
I enjoyed it...from about the middle down.
The first part was just different for me for some reason.
Very well Done!!
Thanks for entering!
Durian. -
this was pritty and really sad. Great job!!! You have such strongly worded emotions. i enjoyed reading this. keep writing!
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This was so pretty!!
And it was really, really sad!
I think you did an aweosme job, the emotions here were really strong and beautiful.
I really loved this, terrific job!
Well written and great plot!!
xoxo
Tay -
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Ha ha, thanks much... it was fun to write... if mostly because I got to through in some musical innuendo.
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First paragraph you say 'The play sighed and laid' did you mean 'The player '?
Otherwise a beautifully written piece, I like it very much, but then I am a bit of a sucker for well written romance.
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Oh wow, beautiful. i'm surprised you haven't written a romance previous to this one... you're so good at it. Seriously, you should write more. I'd definitely read them and comment on how magnificent they are. Like this one, I love it! Thank you so much for entering it. Definitely a finalist. Good luck in the contest!
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hey, i'm just letting everyone know that the contest judging is going to be a little slow, I just got hit with a crazy schedule, but I will get it done as soon as I can.
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Beautiful! I can't find anything wrong with this story. It was perfect. Incredible job
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Awww this is great! It's so sweet and loving, and seriously, have you never written a romance before? Are you sure you haven't? lol, because this was awesome, the story just fits together so perfectly.
You should definately write more romantic stories, I think you may have a talent for it, and I'd definately read more of your work.
I tend not to read romance stories (they're not really my thing ) but I'm glad I read this one. Awesome write, and you've changed my view on the romance writings.
(Lovely use of the quote by the way)
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so sweet
that was an adorable story, and it was all a dream that fitted in perfectle to the quote. For someone whos never writen romance before, I think you should carry on, that was a great story.
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awwwwwwwwww!!!
this is one hundred percent absolutely beautiful. i was going aww through almost the entire thing. i ♥
although in the beginning it was hard to comprehend what the main character was doing, and this line did not make sense
"and pulled her face to his for another stolen kiss before it abandoned her cheek to slide the thin strap from her shoulder"
other than those two parts this is a wonderful piece especially for someone who just took a shot at writing romance!
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wow. this was great! i would never have figures out that you had never written romance before. =) good way to use the quote too. Thanks for a great entry! good luck!
*haley*
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nice
i loved this...we are nothing without our dreams. this story was truly beautiful. good job -
You've never written romance.. and this is just wonderful..
the thingee at the bottom of your title was what made me click this "sometimes, dreams are all we have" - powerful short line... and I AM glad I read this
This is your first romantic write, and it was just so beautifully done... I found myself falling in love with the piece... and omg.. the ending...
yes, sometimes, we just have to hold on our dreams (btw... most of the ghost stories in this country revolves around a woman waiting for a lover that never really comes back to her *shivers* x.x)
Thank you for sharing this with us really a delightful read. 
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