Money, Success, Decadence, and Fishnets CHAPTER ONE

I tapped my foot on the mildewed, old porch, my thigh-high orange vinyl boots making a soft thudding noise.  Michael glared at me. 1

“You know James, whoever answers this door is sure to laugh you right off this porch, you stupid mod skrod.”  2

He smiled to himself.  I peered over my Nancy Sinatra glasses at him.  He had a large, silver arch attached to his head, and his body was painted iridescent silver.  Wrapped up his arms were long silver cords, and his dainty little feet bore silver platforms.  The boy was a paperclip.3

“You’re a human office supply, darling,” I sang to him. “I really don’t think I’m the one they’ll be laughing at.” I smiled. “And we wouldn’t be here in the first place if a certain trannie hadn’t attempted to drive the bus UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF LSD!”  I flipped my long blonde wig.4

Christina giggled to herself; the wreck hadn’t caused her to lower her spirits.  (Or really, should I say HIS…I’m not quite sure the proper etiquette for addressing the creature which stood next to me.)  “She” then, wore a frightful black and red plaid tank dress with PURPLE LEOPARD PRINT THIGH HIGH PLATFORM BOOTS, topped off with an orange trucker’s hat, emblazoned with the logo of “Mimi’s All-Night Diner”.  Ugh.  She looked like she was ready to attend the lumberjack’s ball.  Honestly I don’t know WHAT Michael sees in her.5

Freeze still hadn’t spoken a word.  He looked just as glam as he always did in his sparkly-warkly corset, leather boots, and a top hat.  Just yummy.  If that’s one thing I can give to Freezey he knows how to dress.  6

Michael was getting impatient.  We had knocked on this God-forsaken door MINUTES ago and still had received no service.  This was unacceptable.  (Although, it did sound to me like there was QUITE a party going on inside, and I for one was interested to make my big entrance.  I mean, we were SUPPOSED to be at a party tonight…why not crash?)  7

Bouncing and bounding over the porch, kicking the statue of a stone dog (that seemed to be wrapped in a chain…kinky), Michael whooped and hollered, generally just making a terrible nuisance of himself.  “HellOOOOOO, why don’t you DAMN people open your doors?  HUH?  I’m an unsatisfied CUSTOMERRR and you’d better DEAL WITH ME!!”  (bounce bounce)   8

I rolled my eyes.  Really.  He was such a drama queen.  9

Slowly the door creaked open to reveal a spooky little pale hunchback.  (Oh HOW cliché…)  His blonde hair hung limp and greasy at his shoulders and I felt like recommending a good conditioner.  As he leaned slightly out the door, his fingers drumming the doorframe…well, just SPOOKILY…he looked us all over.  I smiled, showed some teeth.  Finally he spoke.10

“Helloo.”  11

“Hi, there!”  I replied in a faux-southern accent.  “Aaaand…what residence may we say we have stumbled upon?”  12

The hunchback stared at us.  Michael stepped up. 13

“May we come in, Mr. Egor?” he asked, giggling to himself.  My eyes widened.  He’d offend the hunchback.  And then he’d eat us all and we’d never party again. Oh why oh why did I ever become friends with Michael Alig.  14

Surprisingly, the little man smiled, a slow, creeeepy one that crept across his face.  He opened the door a bit more and stepped aside to let us in.  There were two straight-laced little squares standing in the foyer.  And WHAT a FOYER!  It was a taxidermist’s dream.  There was a stuffed leopard in the corner with a python (A PYTHON!) draped like a boa (no pun intended) around him.  A bear stood next to the door, just as one would normally find a hat rack.  Christina giggled maliciously and ran to the bear, proceeding to molest it and inspect it to see if it’s bearly parts had been removed.  The little squares already in the foyer let their jaws drop at the sight of us.  (But HONESTLY though, who would be caught DEAD looking like they were at a PARTY?)  The female fairly trembled at the sight of Christina, groping the stuffed bear.  The male (who I must admit was fairly gorgeous) draped his arm around her.  Our host leaned against the staircase next to someone in a French maid’s costume. (Oh REALLY.  They really were SO cliché.)  The music bled in from the adjoining room and I was anxious to get to it.  15

Michael bounded over to the little blonde hunchback.  “Is this a party or not?”16

The hunchback smiled.  “You’ve arrived on a rather special night.  It’s one of the master’s affairs.”17

The little female square opened her mouth to say something but Christina giggled loudly and she shut it again.  Freeze stood very silently and adjusted his top hat.  Michael squealed.18

“MASTER?” He giggled.  “Oh this WILL be kinky!” He clapped his hands together like an excited toddler and bounced once more.  19

The hunchback sang.  He sang an odd little song about voids and blackness and time creeping and MADNESS and control.  The French maid joined arms with him as they thrust their elbows together and ran toward the large white double doors.  I was getting excited now.  This was fun!20

The doors burst open and revealed an ARMY, an absolute army, all dressed exactly the same—like a male vaudeville star.  I’m talking black jacket, white vest, and WING TIPS! Oh, lovely lovely wing tip shoes.  We all stood in the doorway, quite the group of weirdos—Michael, me, Freezey, Christina, and the two little squares.  The hunchback and the maid had fled into the room and proceeded dancing with the vaudevilles. From their words, I had gathered that this dance was called the “Time Warp” and you were meant to do it like so:  jump to the left, step to the right, put your hands on your hips, and pull your knees in tight, then pelvic thrust over and over and over again, jump about and scream “Let’s do the Time Warp again!”  (It looked like fun.)  Michael and I picked up on it immediately, pelvic thrusting into each other with glorious vive.  Freeze inched a bit closer to the female square, and HA she in turn, inched a little closer to the male square.  Christina left all dance steps behind and pogo’d and moshed over by herself.  21

A cute little redhead with a bob and a trapeze costume paired with fishnets and tap shoes did a little dance.  I liked her right away.  She had something…and paired with a squeaky baby voice that rivaled Betty Boop she was positively adorable.  Later she introduced herself as Columbia.  I knew she could be a star.22

At the end of the song, we all collapsed to the ground.  Christina let out a loud bark that I believe was supposed to be laughter.  (She fell to the ground too, a bit belated.)  Freeze stood next to the squares.  The male square, attempting to break the silence, said something about doing the Madison.  Michael leaped up, thrusting his hand in the air in a “pick me” motion.23

“I can! I can do it!”24

For future reference, let me tell you, Michael can NOT Madison.  I tried my best to shut him up quickly.  He didn’t, however, until some low vampy music began eeking through the room from the foyer.  We all ran to the double doors.  What we saw would change my life forever…25