They put the wrong name on the gravestone. The gray stone had etched in it:
Jessica
Loving student and friend
1989 – 2006
But her name was Erin.
Ben stood in front of the grave peering down, hoping against logic that the bell that came standard issue to help prevent live burials would ring. But the only sound within earshot was cars, crows and his cigarette, slowly burning its life away.
Thunder clouds began rolling in above the graveyard, and a light rain began to fall, snuffing out the slow stream of smoke rising from his cigarette. Ben tossed it to the ground and walked under a nearby tree to light another. Somewhere a bolt of lightning raced across the newly blackened sky, temporarily lighting the clouds.
The tree was one that you would see in a bad horror movie, or in a Poltergeist remake. It had the classic owl hole in the upper middle, and branches that seemed to endlessly grab at you. Ben sat down in between two twisted roots jutting from the ground, choked of light, and dragged from the cigarette. As the smoke slowly escaped, Ben looked at his watch, which said 9:47 P.M. He started walking to the cemetery gates.
As he pushed the gates open, they screamed at Ben not to leave. But as the rain started to downpour, the howls were muted. He closed the gates and walked through the slowly flooding parking lot to his car.
As he opened the door, he became aware of a note taped to the passenger side window, which read, “Church. 1 A.M. tonight. Everyone will be there,” followed by a cursive R, Rege’s signature. As he started the ignition, the rain was in a full downpour.
On his drive back to campus, Ben stopped at the gas station and picked up a carton of cigarettes with his fake ID. Whenever everyone meets at the same night, there was bad news.
Ben had a feeling that lots of tears would be falling and smoke would be rising from the old church tonight.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Not a bad chapter. You have some fairly good imagery here. I think with some editing and polishing you can have a good story.
When a story is told in 3rd person never use "you" when attempting to describe something. You spent a lot of time describing a cliche tree...that seemed rather pointless.
You need more character development. Now since this is Chapter 2 (I'm not sure what the name of the actual story is...) perhaps there is development in Ch. 1. I'll check that out if it's posted here.
I liked the beginning with the wrong name etched on the gravestone but you seemed go away from that too quickly. That was the most interesting and intriguing part of this chapter.
Keep writing..... Rewarded 8
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I really like the setting and the motion in the story! Can't wait to read more!
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I like this a lot, your imagry is realy good. I hope to see the next part out soon.
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"Hoping against hope" (cliche...get rid of it)
Why "bolt" of lightning. Just lightning is enough! "Thunder clouds rolling..." (a but cliche)
Good last sentence...most of this sounds original enough...holds interest. Watch commonplace phrasing, words, ideas.
Strive on,
GA
. Rewarded 6
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I loved this; I loved the description and the kaleidescope imagery that grabbed my imagination and wouldn't let go, even after I finished reading the story.
It's a sincere pleasure to read something like this while browsing through stories and stories.
Thank you for that.
. Rewarded 6
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Than you for the wonderful comment :]
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