Aaron and Katie left the restaurant hand in hand, it had been a wonderful night, Aaron knew he felt something for this girl, he loved being around her. She was intoxicating, it was an age since he had allowed himself to become this close to anyone, as much as he knew he shouldn’t he wanted it to continue.
The pair had been spending a lot of time together recently. An observer would be able to see their connection, their attraction for each other. Katie was a student at the university, her long brown hair flowed over her shoulders, her round face shone with health and happiness and she walked with a spring in her step.
Aaron was a very different character, he appeared to be a few years older, his short hair was spiky and wild. Strong brown eyes looked out at the world with an air of confidence.
Together they walked along the road in the dark, steps in sync with each other. Lightly they made there way back towards Katie’s house.
Feeling his partner shiver against the cold night air Aaron pulled her closer, using his warmth to keep out the chills, after a short time they arrived at her door.
“I’ve had a wonderful night” said Katie turning to face him, she was not worried, he wouldn’t try anything, he wouldn’t try to coerce her. She felt safe with him.
“I’m glad you enjoyed it” he smiled
Carefully the two leant closer together, allowing their lips to meet, allowing their thoughts to become one. All too soon the kiss ended.
As Katie closed the door behind her, Aaron disappeared into the night.
Lying on her bed she took the time to think about the new man in her life, although they’d only been together for a few weeks she felt she connected with him far more than anyone she’d previously dated. He never liked to talk about himself, who he was, where he was from. It made her curious, although she knew he would open up if she gave him time. The trust she found for him still surprised her, he was youthful, energetic, passionate yet mature and calm. It was an irresistible combination.
Slowly she stood up and tied her long dark hair behind her head, carefully she got ready for bed.
The following evening the pair were out again, this time it was Katie’s treat, she wanted to take him somewhere special. She knew just the place.
Passing an opening to an alley Aaron’s head turned as if he heard something, stopping walking Katie turned to him
“Are you ok?” she asked
“Can you give me a minute?” he asked
“Sure” she replied, slightly confused by the unexpected request
“I’ll be right back” he assured her, with that he disappeared into the alley.
Aaron vanished into the blackness, as he approached the scene he saw four people.
A woman was being held against a wall by two of her attackers, a third approached menacingly a ball of fire crackled the palm of his hand, he held it close to the woman threateningly. It was the fire spell which had attracted Aaron’s attention.
Angrily the man turned to Aaron
“Get out here boy” he snarled, Aaron laughed
“You should leave now” he warned, fire crackling in his eyes
“Get him” ordered the leader, instantly his two sidekicks began to advance, transforming simultaneously as they did.
“Vampires?” asked Aaron unimpressed.
The first vampire lunged but Aaron had already moved, slamming his elbow into the second creature’s face he knocked it backwards crashing into a pile of wooden crates, ducking under a punch he grabbed a wooden shard from the ground. The vampire was on it’s feet again, leaning to the right Aaron avoided the attack and drove the stake into the heart, instantly it turned to dust.
The other opponent faced him, preparing to charge. As it did he neatly dipped under it’s arms, spinning he caught it’s unprotected back with the palm of his hand. The monster burst into flames.
“Now” said Aaron turning to the leader “let her go”
“You have no idea who you’re dealing with” threatened the man, instantly the palms of his hands ignited. The girl ran.
With a grand gesture he threw the fire spell at Aaron, catching him square in the chest. The flames passed over him and evaporated.
“Neither do you” he smiled preparing to attack.
“Aaron?” came Katie’s voice from behind him. She must’ve become worried and come to find him, dumbstruck he turned as his opponent took the opportunity to run.
“Katie?” he said, surprised
“What was that?” she asked her mouth open in disbelief
“Nothing” he replied casually, how much had she seen?
“Aaron, don’t lie to me!” she retorted quickly
“They weren’t human were they?” she had seen the vampires.
Aaron, felt his heart drop. It was over, there was no way they could recover after this. There was no way he could let her in, but she still needed to know something.
“No, they weren’t” he conceded “vampires” he muttered
“The man?” she asked
“Human, a sorcerer” he said, searching for the reaction in her beautiful face
“And you?” there it was, he looked away.
“Can I not answer that?” he begged, the fear showing in his face
“Not answer it?” she gasped “I think I should know don’t you!” she was becoming hysterical, she’d discovered the thread and now it was becoming unravelled. He knew he would have to push her away, now.
“What can I say?” he replied his voice strained “Do you want me to lie to you? Would that make you happy? Well I can’t, and I won’t. But I can’t let you in either”
“Aaron, tell me” she begged tears welling up in her eyes.
“I’m sorry Katie” he replied truthfully “stay safe” he added. Carefully he turned and left, leaving her alone in the darkness.
A week passed, Katie had not seen or heard from Aaron. What she wanted more than anything was answers, she had thought he’d be able to trust her. It was obvious what he wasn’t telling her, only the details remained. Why wouldn’t he let her in?
Texts went unanswered, calls were not returned. No one had seen or heard anything from him, it was like he’d never existed.
Idly she walked back, retracing their last walk, thinking of him, her mind working furiously over the same questions. Why wouldn’t he tell her everything, what had she done to stop him trusting her?
He brown eyes swelled with tears as she sank to the ground among the splinters of the crate.
“Evening” said a voice, a man stepped from the shadows. The sorcerer.
“I knew you’d come back” he smiled nastily.
Quickly Katie got to her face, turning she ran towards the end of the alley.
“Don’t do that” said the man behind her
Fire erupted from the earth blocking her escape, Katie skidded to a stop, backing away from the furious heat.
“What do you want?” she asked, her voice trembling in fear
“What does everyone want?” he replied “Power. He cares for you, I can use that” he smiled wickedly.
“But you ran, you’re afraid of him!” replied Katie, thinking desperately
“Of course, I know what he is. That’s why I have you, have you any idea what could be done with that sort of power?” he asked rhetorically.
“I can think of one use” said a voice behind Katie,
Unscathed by the raging wall of fire Aaron stepped through and stood at her side.
“You touch me and I’ll kill her” warned the sorcerer
“Really?” replied Aaron, raising an eyebrow.
Taking a step towards the sorcerer he spoke again “Care to try it?” he asked.
Katie felt the air near her begin to grow hot.
The sorcerer sent a curse crackling towards Aaron, who continued to walk towards him. It hit him but fizzled out on contact, desperately he tried again, throwing a blast of purple energy with the same effect.
Aaron’s voice was full of anger as he spoke “No one threatens this girl” he warned pointing to Katie who was still standing dumbstruck.
Turning back to her attacker Aaron only hesitated for a moment, the sorcerer fell to the floor as charred ash.
Walking back towards his love Aaron watched as the firewall dissipated.
“I’ll tell you everything” he promised, looking at her in relief.
The pair were back at Katie’s house, it was the first time he had been invited inside, Katie was curled up in an armchair looking intently at him. Taking his time he surveyed the room, feeling the friendliness of a home. Something he’d never experienced.
“So, who are you?” asked Katie, unable to wait any longer, over the last week she’d learnt a lot about a world she’d never believed existed.
“Who do you think I am?” asked Aaron, he wasn’t playing games, he was going to tell her but he needed to know what she knew first.
Katie hesitated, she’d been thinking about this question for a week and the ideas had had become wilder and wilder only one thing had stuck in her mind for long.
“I think you’re an elemental” she said carefully, after trailing through a mass of pop culture references on the internet she had eventually managed to uncover some helpful and accurate sites, including detailed descriptions of what the vampires she had seen looked like.
Aaron smiled at the guess, she’d been doing her homework. Elementals were creatures which lived in their own element, a mystical animal which were highly sought for their instinctive magics.
He was not an elemental.
“I’m an avatar” he said deliberately
“An avatar?” she replied blankly, apparently her reading did not extend this far. It was not surprising, while there were thousands in existence many could not manifest for more than a few seconds at a time. It took a massive amount of energy to maintain an avatar indefinitely, he was one of those small number.
“In my case a physical manifestation of a an element” he explained
“Fire?” she asked thinking back to seeing the sorcerer reduced to cinders
Aaron nodded.
“That’s why he couldn’t hurt you” said Katie understanding
“Like using a water pistol to attack the sea” he replied smiling.
Katie stood up, the information slotting into space in her mind. She looked at her boyfriend as if seeing him for the first time.
“So why not just tell me?” she asked after a moment “You were afraid to loose me?”
“No” said Aaron quietly “Worse, I was afraid you’d accept me”
Katie sat down beside him on the sofa, the confusion appearing again on her face.
“Have you any idea how old I am?” asked Aaron “How old is fire? How long will I be here? I’ve loved before, I watched as the woman I loved grew old, I watched as she grew sicker and weaker. I watched as she died. I didn’t think I could face that again, I didn’t want to get close to anyone again”
“So what changed?” she asked cautiously
“I realised I was wrong” replied Aaron simply “When I’m with you I feel more alive than I have in centuries. I don’t want that to end!”
“Neither do I” she replied solemnly.
“You understand what this means?” he asked “You know what I am?”
Katie nodded.
“Then I think it’s time I stopped pretending” he suggested.
Standing up Aaron stood in the centre of the room. Katie felt the air begin to warm, suddenly Aaron’s body changed, there was no more flesh, no more body. In front of her stood a figure made entirely of fire, flames crackled and burned away. Looking into the figure’s face she saw that Aaron’s strong features were still there, now made up only of layers of flames. He looked at her and smiled, she looked in wonder at the strange sight before her, unable to speak.
After a few moments the fire went out and Aaron was left standing in the room again, he looked relieved. Katie had seen his true colours and she had not run, slowly he watched as she stood up, carefully he reached out to her as she came close, he stroked her hair as he kissed her. Happily he held her tight as she accepted him.
Author notes
An idea I've been playing with for a while, I do have several other thoughts involving these characters, including meeting the other avatars, Aaron's siblings.
If I get some positive responces I may write them, heck I'll probably write them anyway
Hope you enjoyed the read!
A contest entry
- The Easy Fire and Ice by Frozen Fire Poet.
240 points, ended May 30, 2007, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy Mania by Eternal Twilight.
555 points, ended June 12, 2007, 16 entries
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225 points, ended July 7, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Imagination by Miss Hanako Cullen.
115 points, ended July 12, 2007, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy by Rini.
300 points, ended September 22, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - An Interest in Fantasy by GuitarShank.
225 points, ended October 10, 2007, 23 entries
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350 points, ended January 16, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy, Paranormal and Sci-Fi Contest by whichcraft.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I love to read your comments, please let me know what you thought...
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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I liked the idea of this story and how you put it together. It isn't the typical fantasy story that I've seen on storywrite.
However, the story structure is disjointed. The dialogue is clumped together so you can't be sure who is saying what. I believe you should put the speech on seperate lines. Some paragraphs should be seperated from each other as well and several sentences don't have periods at the end. I suggest going over the story and doing a little editing.
Otherwise, the story was interesting. It was just distracting due to the layout.
Thanks for entering. -
This was great...
I enjoyed it immensely... showed real characters and enough supernatural to keep my interest... love to see this as a series... Good write.
DarkOne -
"She was intoxicating, it was an age since he had allowed himself to become this close to anyone, as much as he knew he shouldn’t he wanted it to continue." - Each comma should actually be the beginning of a new sentence.
"said Katie turning to face him, she was not worried, he wouldn’t try anything, he wouldn’t try to coerce her." - Again, commas instead of periods (although the second and third could also be merely one sentence divided into two sections with a comma. But be careful with the commas. I'm noticing a lot of mistakes, both with commas being where they shouldn't, as well as commas not being where they should be.)
"“Who do you think I am?” asked Aaron," - I figured I should mention this, but you build up the mystery of what Aaron really is VERY nicely. You do a very nice job of it. A lot of writers don't possess that trait, so cultivate it, because it makes for an excellent story. :-)
"Aaron smiled at the guess" - I would NEVER have guessed that. Heh. I'd have been "you're on steriods" but then again, I lack imagination sometimes. Although I HAVE heard of elementals before in some of my wicca books.
......
As I was reading this, my main thought was this: your story would make a fairly decent japanese anime. The storyline (especially if whatsherface and Aaron have adventures together) would make for an interesting watch, and for some reason, the way the characters act and are described just reminds me very strongly of the more fantasy-based animes.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this (even if the comma mistakes distracted a LOT from the story). Good job.
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Pretty good. I only noticed a couple of errors. The story was good, but the fact that you used the term "avatar," as in the show. If you look up avatar in a dictionary (I used dictionary.com) you'll see that the closest definition to what you're using it for would be the manifestation of a god.
But, no matter what term you use, it's a good story anyway.
Good write and good luck -
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Thanks
Thanks for the read.
To clarify, I have never seen Avatar. A couple of people have mentioned it, I'm intrigued now.
In my mind Aaron is the manifestation of an element. In the same vein as the dictionary defininition although he does not represent a god he represents fire.
The idea is that he has similar emotions that you would associate with fire, energy, power, passion etc and can manipulate it and create it as he chooses.
The sequel (flames) is the continuation of the story where air and water are also personified.
Thanks again for reading
Liath
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Wow. If I didn't know any better, I would think that you know me well. I love stories of modern day fantasy mixed with a cute love story. This was definitely cute, and I especially liked that you didn't have the boyfriend as a vampire. Making him an avatar was really creative.
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GREAT!
I give this a thumbs up. It was hot to def. I loved it..!!
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Oh My God!!
I loved this story. As I began reading I thought, "Oh, another love story." and then BAM! You took the story and twisted it and turned it, and went a whole new direction. Bravo, awesome job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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No mistakes that i could see..
i liked it..
like my previous comment, i have never seen a story like this before.. its v. good -
Well, it was definitely different, but a good different. You knew exactly where to add detail and when to leave it as it was. The plot was outlined well, and you kept up the suspense. Seriously, I have no problems at all with this piece. It was well written, and I'd like to read the other ones.
~Kevan!~
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I thought I was a good read
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Good story! There were some spacing and editing problems in it but those can be fixed. Interesting story line. Very creative. Thanks for entering the contest.
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beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Good read! There's a ton of punctuation problems in your dialogue. This needs to be cleaned up.
The first paragraph was a complete run-on. You went a little overboard with the commas!
Content-wise, this was a pretty good story. Good imagination!!
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You know now you mention it I think your right, I think I went a bit nuts!
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greatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttts your story is fabssssss i love it loadsssss the flow is perfect fiction is great
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Fantastic. I enjoyed this a lot. You have done really well with this. I must come by and read some more of your work. I love these kinds of writes. I am working on a fictional novel myself. Keep penning.
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great story
i really liked this story. it was different from the other ones i've read...great concept too...thanks for entering -
I'm really into elemental magic, and I thought that this piece was GREAT! (Even though this is first time I've heard of an avatar.) Thanks for a great read!
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First time I've heard of one too, it was an idea I've been playing around with. A being who is everything fire is. Same personality, same abilities same drives.
I am almost certainly going to write part two now. Wait till you meet Air!
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.. Hmm.. i liked it.. it was.. diffrent.. ive never really read anything like this before, but i liked it Write some more..
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Loved It!
I loved it! I think I'll read it again...
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Thanks!
To everyone, there is some really great feedback.
Jazz, I knew people would try to work it out but didn't think anyone would get it.
Frozen Fire, if you insist
Viridain, thanks very much. I did try to pay attention in some of the phrasing early on, "He appeared to be a few years older" and "his eyes crackled with fire"
You know, just in case someone read it twice
Thanks again everyone!
Liath
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I thought this is great! I think the only mistake is with diolog. I forgot what it was. This has to go on my list! May you please enter this in my contest?
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Cool
Love the concept. Have to admit I had other answers ready: deamons, etc., but like what you have much better.
For some reason it still seems a bit stilted.
Have you read this out loud? At times it gives a better idea of where to place punctuation marks or even add/take away words to aid flow. At least it does for me.
The ending is nice; after all, who wouldn't want them to be together? Love the idea thrown out at the end! More of these people(?)! A good read.
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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