Squirrel

Squirrel

You rhyme with girl

Your spleen

Makes me want to hurl

Elmo likes you

Because you’re blue

In my shoe

Don’t get caught

By the squirrel catcher

Or else

You will die

All alone

In the dark

With just a candle on

You might get burned

And I can roast a marshmallow on you

It would taste good

So white and fluffy

I love you marshmallow

Maybe you and the squirrel can get hooked up

And go out on a date

Squirrel and marshmallow

Together

But when you break up

There will be tears

Salty tears

Maybe I can put them on my green beans

To make them taste salty

Green beans are good

But not as good as jumping beans

Jump, jump, jump

Like a kangaroo

You can have a jumping contest

And you will win

My jumping bean

You will be the world champ

The best ever

In the whole world

You and Squirrel could go out

Squirrel on the rebound

Then you would get married

And have a child

A squean

The squean would rule

Taking over the world

Then we would attack Mars

And get whooped by aliens

They have big noses

And giant staplers

Then we would die

And go to heaven

Seventh heaven

Except for Hitler

Because he’s already down there

Burning in fire

So that’s why you have to be good

Or else you will burn

When the squean takes over

You will not live much longer

Maybe Santa can help

He could ride the bus

With George W. bush,

The band Kiss,

The Teletubies,

Deon Sanders,

The guy from Kung Pow,

And Al Capone

I would be like wow

Go get me a bone

With a dog to fetch it

So he can kill the squirrel

And the world won’t blow up

And the movie The Matrix won’t die

And Keanu Reeves will live

He might be immortal

Our ultimate weapon against the aliens

I have to find him

And Ash from Pokemon

He can unleash Pikachu

And Pikachu could use his thunderbolt

To stop OJ Simpson from killing Keanu

Then we would win

The victors

Beating the aliens

Just like Jeff Gordon

I raced him once

But I blew a gasket

And my left tire exploded

Into a million pieces

So I checked it out

I found some popcorn in it

It tasted like a flammable cup of water

But I still have my bone

I hit my couch with it

But I said I was sorry

And it forgave me a little

I adore this fabric couch

I bought it in Nebraska

And we went on Oprah

Then I sold you

For Steve Urkel’s glasses

I wear them all the time

Now people call me Froot Loop eyes

I don’t know why

But I like Uncle Horace’s tomatoes

I got hit in the eye with one

That’s why I wear Steve Urkel’s glasses

But he doesn’t wear glasses

That’s how bad I tricked him

With my magic hat

It’s where I keep my dead moles

I threw them into the sea

Where seafloor spreading occurs

Like spreading peanut butter

Jelly can come too

It will be a party

Just peanut butter and jelly

They’re like slot machines and coins

I have a bunch of coins

Like the ones to Gattiland

I threw them at the Saint Louis Arch

The arch was as big as my Grandma’s hump

It’s like a bowling ball on his knee

I poked it once

It jiggled like jello

I filled my swimming pool with jello one time

My squirrel got stuck in it though

So I had to get an ice pick

And kill the garden gnome next door

Because of his stupid face

And that he wouldn’t tell me his secret

The secret where he spit

In my mom’s fro

Hey, that spit kept my nomad flea alive for weeks

So I patted the gnome on the back

Because the nomad flea is like my best bud

From the spit he made a breakfast chow

Chow is a Chinese name

My friend’s name

He has pointy eyes

He might stab me with them

And I will bleed

Earlobe blood

I can give it to the nomad flea

But when the flea gets married I’ll be lonely

So I’ll go to work at Steak ‘n Shake

And get a lot of tips

And become rich

So I can buy my couch back

And we can play hide and seek

Like the good old days

Like yesterday

When I ate that brownie

I tossed it into the toilet

My sister thought it was a turd

So she flushed it

And I scratched her scalp

For killing the best brownie ever

But one time I had a muffin that was better

It had blueberries

But the blueberries weren’t blue!

They were missing

They ran away

To the island of mufflers

But one day the island sank

To the bottom of the ocean

To go hang with the Titanic

I want to come

I want gills

So I stole them from a fish

And attached them with scotch tape

But that was my worst idea ever

Well, behind the idea of spray on hair

I got beat up for that

I still have a bruise on my heel

And a scab on my belly button

Sometimes I like to pick it

And feed it to my blind hippo

But then my sis calls me a scab picker

It’s better than my old nickname

Apple fart

That one sucked

One time I got shoved into my locker

For three days

Good thing that I had graham cracker in my pocket

To feed to my squirrel

And the nomad flea

On the second day they got into a fight

And I won

I don’t know how though

I think it was because of my laser gun

That thing was awesome

I blew off my cats head

And went to jail

Martha Stewart was my cellmate

I learned how to bake a bowl of cereal

I’m good at cooking

But I’m better at shoveling

I can shovel any thing

Leaves especially

Maple leaves

Maple syrup leaves

Maple syrup leaves on pancakes

And waffles

Eggo waffles

Did you know the first space mission was going to be called Eggo?

That would suck

My grandpa dropped his gummy bears when he heard that one

They hit the floor

And talked to my meatball

And they ganged up

To fight the evil canned soup

I watched it on my plasma TV

Part two comes out yesterday

And part three came out tomorrow

My squirrel will be the star of the show

Maybe an exploding star

It might create a black hole

I will watch as it turns my eyes dull

And my nomad flea will get sucked in

And get transported to another galaxy

Maybe he can meet a Wookie

And shriek at Chewbacca

Or maybe to the galaxy where every thing is backwards

He would fart out his eyes

And slap someone while licking a doorknob

And tumors would grow inwards

And create an air pocket

Then I would be lonely

Because my nomad flea won’t get married

To a girl named Dianna rice

She is a type of head lice

What an odd match

Lice and a flea

But not as odd as the guy that lives between my toes

His name is Earl

He’s a Leprechaun with an attitude

He’s very superstitious

When he spilled his coke

He had to go and chop down a swing

So he could sacrifice it

In the pit of olive oil

I got the olive from an olive eating contest

I beat my imaginary pal named chow

The pointy-eyed guy

He started to cry

So I asked him to cry me a glass of carbonated water

MMM… carbonated water

I like it when you shake it up

And it explodes on your bed

Then it looks like you wet the bed

So you have to wear diapers

Huggies diapers

My favorite

Better then those evil Pampers

I move on to the elastic band next month

My mom still changes me

But not my sister

My squirrel changes her

Because my moms busy on the computer

Playing video games

Sonic on the Atari

Best graphics ever

Do you know who created the graphics?

I think it was John Graphics

But that was a hypothesis

I learned that word in my mom’s tummy

It was written on the wall

I learned more there than in college

Like how to make a flare gun

And a pair of scissors

And when I got out

I built a lamp

A barbaric lamp

But the bulb burned out

Like in 23 years

We called it the living bulb

Because if you were real quiet

You could hear him talking

He would always say

“Life is like a sand dune

You never know what type of shrubbery will grow at the top.”

Maybe elderberry bushes

And we could put the elderberries in our paintball guns

And shoot the dentist

And scare him away

From my snail Herm

He used to be a worm

Until he got plastic surgery

And a lead injection

So he has a lead heart

Just like his cold shoulder

It’s like 10 degrees

It makes my fat fingers shrink

To the size of a prune

That has been eaten by a deranged goat

It would be all moldy

Like a moldy banana

Those are nasty

Especially when the get stuck in your lawn mower

Then you have to buy a new one

A John Deere lawn mower

That would be the best

I should put it on my list of ideas

Or has it been already discovered

Like the game Mancala

I originally came up with that game

But some genius stole the idea and added some thing

Like the pebbles and the board

I didn’t have those

My game was just looking at the dirt

That game sucked

Like big bubba time

I have no clue what bubba means though

I got it from a milk carton

Don’t know what that is either

I think it’s a magical container that stores a mystical substance called milk

It’s as amazing as something called a Christmas tree

But you can’t hang ornaments on it

Especially decroded ornaments

One time I got a ballerina ornament

I was so happy I went into comma

Best 23 years of my life

When I woke up I had a giant mole

It weighed like 200 lbs.

More than an anvil but not stronger than an anvil

So moles are weak

But if one sat on your arm

The blood would back up

And you would explode into half a million pieces

And everyone could see what you ate

Maybe a hot pocket

And we could eat them

And have a hot pocket fight

And the filling would spew every where

And I could throw it down my well

To the man-eating man eater

It’s a vicious man eating thing

I like to throw rocks at it

To make it mad

Then it calls me mean names

Like band aid gnawer

And paste freezer

Then I go to my room and cry

And eat saltine crackers

They make me feel better

But I really do freeze paste

I have a whole refrigerator full of it

If you freeze paste it’s supposed to make it taste better

Especially the paste with ice sickles

But don’t sneeze while eating them

Then the ice sickles will stab you in the throat

And the next day when you wake up

You will have a sore throat

And get out of school

And go milk a cow for fun

Then you ca make the cow drink its own milk

YEA!

Maybe it will get mad cow disease

And I can make fun of it

And laugh at that stupid face

And I can go into my happy place

Where it’s hailing gumdrops

And I try to eat one

But it’s bigger than my mouth

So I look like a handicapped blind person

That’s trying to walk across a pit of lava

Then I hop onto my magical hippo

And ride it to the equator

But when it starts to itch the pimple in its ear

I will fall off

And cry in the dirt

But the tears and the dirt will make mud

And I can make mud pies

And hurl them at starving Africans

And play hide and seek with their naked mole rats

Naked mole rats are really good at that game

A naked mole rat from Bolivia

Won the world championship

Seven times in a row

I loved his winning speeches

He always announced

“Even though I have hair up my nose

I can still use toilet paper properly.”

He’s a genius

Like the guy from Flintstones

Barney Rubble

I met him once

Over the computer

But he sent me a virus

So I killed him

By sending him a package

That was contaminated by SARS

That’s why Fred Flintstone made an army

To destroy me

He hypnotized pack of pack rats

To drill underground

And worship a food flinger named Robbie

I hate that Robbie

He lives under my house

And flings food at it

If were lucky

He’ll throw a banana peel

And hit my dog in the face

And we call my dog the peel face

And peel her face off

And toss it into the middle of the road

And watch cars run over it

And we yell at her

“A car ran over your face.”

But that’s better than a car running over your determination

One time my Uncle Hogey got hit by a car

It was a 1890 station wagon

And his determination got run over

It was flat as a pancake

Sometimes he hides under the flat determination

And we can’t see him

Then when we are curling our hair

He’ll scare us by screaming

“A partridge in a pear tree

Always dies before it can flush!”

And then the pee is just sitting there

And if there is a strong wind

It will get blown away

And hit the nearest person in the face

Maybe an anorexic chicken

Has your soul ever ran away

Yesterday mine did

And my conscience followed it

Now I can do mean stuff and not feel bad

Let’s go dive into a lake

Of snapping, hungry sharks

Just to see what happens

Maybe they’ll lend me their gills

So I can swim with the mermaids

And we can stab innocent, young fish

With our tridents

Just to see them whimper

And whimper they will

Can I have Satan’s trident

Cause if I stabbed a block of titanium

It will melt because it’s Satan’s fire trident

And I can mold the molten metal

Into an easel so I can paint

I’m paint a girl that is smiling and frowning at the same time

I will call it the Mona Lisa

But I will get sewed for a three legged, magenta aardvark

At least I can keep my squirrel

And tie it to a chair

And pour apple cider down its throat

Then I will put liquorish down its nasal passage

But don’t sneeze

Then I will get liquorish in my eyes

And become blind as someone that is blind

But I love you

Squirrel

You rhyme with girl