The waters red, thick and dirty and she is cut up and crying inside. Lying there lifeless tears crawling free down her cheeks nobody is there to see. They don’t really care about the reasons for why she is there. Just that she is there and the mess is big and they have to clean it up.1
She doesn’t understand but, why they just walk around her and take photos of her naked body. Dismissing her tears and ignoring her pleas like they don’t hear her. Their grimaces when she screams says something but. They know she is there.2
Slit wrists and arms, legs and chest deep gouges in her stomach and not much left of her right hand fingers. She was busy gouging them off, removing the fake plastic nails. Another part of her she couldn’t stand. Like the lips she sliced and her breasts she cut at in frenzy. Not much is left of her. 3
Her cheeks are sliced in several places.4
They never said death was pretty.5
Author notes
A contest entry
- +Emo+ by heartfullofvenom.
300 points, ended February 9, 2008, 41 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Absolutely Deep, Dark and Disturbing by tallblondie.
600 points, ended April 15, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Holy Shit.
WOW. Some story. very thoughtful. Deep and in sighting. Scary though. Just WOW. The last line was the BEST!
Good Luck!
♥ -
Nice job. It has always puzzled me how people can dismiss some pretty obvious signs. It seems it's never noticed until it is too late. You ended this with a wonderful line. It really strikes a cord in people. The photo was a nice touch. I think it helped to set the mood for this piece a little. Very dark... sad... depressing.
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wow!!! i love this!!! the last line :they never said death was pretty. is so cool!!! this is amazing!! keep up the good work!!
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Okay... wow. That's really all I have to say to that. Of course, I must say more, for it is my job as a judge on Asfand's pannel.
Okay, here goes.
Theme ~ 9/10 > This freaking blew me away. Um... not really any way it could be more complete, but it is disappointing in that it is so one sided.
Originality ~ 10/15 > I have seen this so many times. There really wasn't anything new in this piece that separated it from all the others.
Flow ~ 23/25 > This piece is so short, there really isn't any chance for the flow to start up. It felt as though right as it was just beginning to pick up, you ended it. Most of your sentences are choppy which could be used to add to the atmosphere, but I don't think you've used it to its full potential.
Feeling ~ 15/20 > Okay you've painted this wonderfully grusome picture for us. Great. Now what? I don't understand any of the emotions in this piece. It feels stoic to me. I couldn't sympathize.
Structure ~ 25/30 > okay, once again with the length of the piece. It would be really difficult for you to really screw this part up. There were a couple issues your paragraphs and sentence structures that could be polished, and that's why I took of five points.
Total 82/100
Once again, good job. Good luck in the contest. -
Second paragraph you use the word but twice in a way that is confusing to me.
I will give you the disturbing factor on this...but I would have liked to have seen more. Not every detail but you know...some more meat to it.
Good job on this and good luck in the contest. -
Dang ~ not a pretty picture ~
Oh damn, such a foul image you brought up ~
This was well-written really, however the gruesome scenes really took the language away from me ~
You took advantage of the briefness, bringing it to full effect in one blast ~
Good twisted write ~
*She doesn’t understand but <-- (what the but for), why they just walk around her and take photos of her naked body*
*Slit wrists and arms, legs and chest <-- (something missing - I'm sure of it ... a comma maybe but its choppy in flow, this sentence) deep gouges in her stomach and not much left of her right hand fingers*
Despite that, a nice job ~ Wonderful emotions of revenge, disgust, irritation of soul and all that ~
Good luck and thanks for entering.
Theme ~ 8.1/10
Originality ~ 12.3/15
Flow ~ 19.8/25
Feeling ~ 19.5/20
Structure ~ 26.6/30
Total 86.3/100
PS. It was difficult to rate this, because it was a rather very short story. But I liked it alot. So thanks.
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ahan, it was good. nice entry in all...
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wow, thats intense, im ussually not big on stories this short, but this one is really good
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oops, forgot to applause!
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So dark, but so good. I feel sorry for the girl, and it seems very great! 200 words? Wow! I don't write 200 word stories though, and I know I can't write a 200 word story that makes people want more...or maybe
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really dark and disturbing
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okay, so though you said dont ask i am curious as fuck and no wonder, this piece is fucking awesome! i very much enjoyed the fact it was simple, real and so intense in so few words. as it is, its perfect, but continuation, or in fact a prologue would be incredible. hope you did well in the contest, you deserve it!
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...
-tries to contiune breathing-
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Holy crap. Just...two hundred words, and whoa. Just whoa.
I loved this. There's not much else to say.
Thanks for entering!
Sky -
Very dark but yet it makes such a great story. Good job.
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I thought this was sickening....I am talking about the story plot not the writing. I liked it but I think you need to add something before to explain why she was being cut up. I would also like you to expand more on the actual story and add way more description to your story. Overall I thought it was good but I do think you could improve.
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Very good:
I have to read on to see what happensbeginning: 5.
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Um, I liked this......
This piece is quite dark.....it gives out a very powerful message, don't ever forget that suicide is a very serious issue and I think you've probably scared me out of it!!!!! lol, just kidding, I liked it, keep it up!
Best wishes Lokka
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very good! amazing picture you drew with words here. the last line you used - definite favorite
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Great story!
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Waoh,this was very good.It was just detailed enough to show bably damaged she wasbut not too much to make to you sick.This was perfect for its title as well.Keep this up.It is amazing!!!
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M'Lady, why do you grieve so deeply?
"She" is starkly and anonymously drawn which gives her a cameo/dissociated appearance. This very effectly brings the pain and despair to prominence.
Wracked in guilt and shame, she has no name.
So sad, so beautifully written. Write more...
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It could be better if you worked on it. I like the idea of it, and if you expound more then the ending line would be perfect.
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feaky story! had flash backs of my fav law and order episodes
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Ooohh now this was actually very good.
Sad, but I could see it all in my head, I found the entire thing to be beautiful, in a way.
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'They never said death was pretty.' It usually is'nt.
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I think.. the symbols and implications in this stories are far deeper than they are, and I won't know, nor see, the whole picture since.. I am not you
I hope you are okay, Ebb *will not ask, since you told us not to*
but despite having this in mind, it still is a beauty - dark though, but beautiful nonetheless. I do think that this works well on its own as a short piece, but for people like me who'd like to see even a shdow of the whole picutre, you COULD do another longer version of this? (just a suggestion)
Thanks for sharing this with us, Ebb
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imagery wowww this is great hun u enjoyed it alots
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wow ebb this is...wow...i don't really no what to say... Great images...and flow
Very sad though..
Stay safe, keep up the great writing
Em
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