Follies of Fate

Fate is like a peanut butter and windshield wiper fluid sandwich. If you eat it, you will go blind. Similar to how believing in fate leaves you blind to your own ignorance. 1

There I was, eating my sandwich of ignorance; peanut butter smeared all over my face like a 4 year old devouring a chocolate ice-cream cone on a summer day. One minute, I was entering my credit-card information online, purchasing a booklet that was ‘almost’ guaranteed to make me a millionaire in one week. The next, I was reading a message on my instant chat from an unknown girl from Japan. 2

'Hallo. Wie geht’s? Ich heiße Nina!'3

Now let me tell you something. I was a very lonely man. Very lonely. Any girl - whether English, Japanese or from another planet, who had taken the time to message me, must have done so for a reason. So, being the internet stud that I was, I decided to put off becoming a millionaire and pursued fate’s will.4

'I’m sowwy, beautiful. I don’t speak Japanese. Could you speak English, please?'5

I typed it to her with the lust of a thousand horny dogs looking for a lady poodle flying solo. One with pink braided fur and a stiff posture.6

'Japanese? Nein, nein, nein… I German. My English is no good, but I try speaking for you!'7

Japanese, German, there was no difference. Right? I have never had a girl who would do anything for me. She MUST be the one. No wonder I couldn’t get near any other women before. Life simply had a plan, and I would be a fool to try to alter its course. When fate was smiling down on me, I had better embrace the serendipitous nature of the moment, or face the dire consequences. 8

'Hey baby, you would do that for me? What else would you do for me?' 9

I typed with loins of fire. I was so damn smooth, so desirable.10

'Excuse me? I do understand you not… Umm, so, what are you like?'11

The German to English transition screamed of her obvious sexual overtones. 12

'Hey hotness, the complexity of my existence is about as easy to solve as a system of linear equations.'13

Although I didn't quite comprehend what I had just written, I somehow knew that the BA I received from the University of Online Studies had really paid off. It only cost me $29.99 and took just one hour of memorizing fancy words and math thingies. As you can tell, it was worth every penny. This luscious girl must have thought I was the next Einstein. Now THAT guy was a German. Hey, she was German too. Does that mean she thought I was German? It fits logically, doesn’t it? 14

'What………???????????'15

She was clearly playing hard to get. I liked it. 16

'Hey sexy, do you have a webcam to get naked on for me?'17

I teased her like the magnanimous prince I was.18

'You are English pig. Leave me alone!'19

Her elegance was pure of soul. My love for her grew and grew as each character of text appeared on my screen. I decided in the heat of the moment to deliver the final blow, to follow the path set out for me from the heavens above. All it took was an online translator and a lot of love.20

'Werden Sie mich heiraten?'21

I wanted to ask her to marry me in her mother tongue. It just seemed proper. I loved her even more than the sound of my computer buzzing as I push the on button. Fate had finally steered me in the right direction. Now why hadn’t she answered? Surely she knew what heiraten meant.22

After a minute of waiting, my patience waned. I assumed she had just gotten up for a moment to eat her dinner of German sausage, since that was all they ate in Germany. Nevertheless, I continued typing my conquest.23

'My seductive sweetheart, I have decided that you should come over here to my open arms… and zipper. Here is my credit card number: 4619127316419471. Buy yourself a ticket for the next flight to Toronto. Leave the flight details with me, and I will pick you up at the airport. We will have hot and steamy honeymoon sex in my car '24

I didn't own a car. Now where was she?25

Two minutes passed…26

She’ll come. I thought about how I was a true romantic, proved through my recent relationship with Nina.27

Twenty minutes passed…28

Ok, maybe the sausage had gotten stuck in her throat. She was probably just in the hospital now.29

One hour passed…30

Surgery?31

One day passed…32

They didn't have Oktoberfest in June, did they?33

One week passed…34

Why was fate fucking with me?35

One month passed…36

As you may have guessed, the girl of my dreams hadn’t returned. That damn sausage must have flat-lined her. Fate has a funny way of turning you upside down and emptying the pure love right out of your pockets. Oh well, fate wanted me to be rich anyway. Now where was I? Oh yes - I was clicking the purchase button for my ‘become an instant millionaire’ booklet. 37

*Transaction Declined - Credit Limit Reached*38

“WHAT” I scream to nobody at all. “I haven’t used my credit card in a month!”39

Needless to say, my Serendipity DVD made a good Frisbee.

Author notes

Favorite food is buffalo wings

Satire on fate.
Comedy

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 37 of 37

  • Friesian gold member
    September 28
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    hehehe!

    OMG! THis is hilarious! FUNNY! Hehehe! LOL!


  • GuitarShank Moderators member
    June 2

    Edit | Reply
    Nice

    I liked this one. Mr nobody thought he was so smooth, and guess who outsmoothed him

    Thanks for entering


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    May 12

    Edit | Reply
    I thought your story was really funny and I thank you for entering. Your character was such a hard headed fool and so dense that he was funny. Good luck in the contest.


  • Katty
    April 24

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    * DIES IN LAUGHTER*

    This was not only hilarious, but very well-written as well, especially in the first couple of paragraphs. You did a very good job of using strong imagery. I see no grammatical errors and I loved this! Thanks for entering and best of luck!

    *KAT*


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    April 21
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my contest. I thought your story was really funny. Usually when a credit card is declined, you don't know the reason until you call into the office but I liked the way you added it in. Some guys who sit on the internet actually think they are hot. Believe me, I get some weird contacts and conversations online. Anyway, it was a good well-written story. Good luck.


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ silver member
    April 15

    Edit | Reply
    Oh stuff me and stick me on a post, that was amazingingly hilarious!!!
    Served the sucker right for thinking with this loins, not his brain.

    Good work, mate.


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    *laughs* Why is it that the sleezy men all think they're romantic gods, anyways? Personally I think your character's view on fate is hilarious, and the point that he believed in it to the point of giving out his credit card number was just ridiculous in a fantastically humorous way. The only thing I'm not sure of is where the Serendipity DVD came from - did Nina buy it and accidentally have it sent to him instead? *scratches head* Otherwise, this was hilarious - I enjoyed the laugh.


    • Blurith
      April 2
      Edit | Reply
      he is such a fate junkie, he just happened to have it in his DVD collection


  • Cheerful-Panda
    March 13

    Edit | Reply

    hahaha I love that!
    I loved the way you wrote all sleazy it made me laugh really hard. Although you almost pushed some boundaries I'll accept this I don't mind the occasional dirtyness of joke. All in all very well written!
    Good luck!
    -Miranda-


    • Blurith
      March 13
      Edit | Reply
      haha yeah, but I figure although I almost pushed boundaries, the pity you feel for my foolish main character would neutralize it


  • RegalTheft
    March 3

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    Hahaha, man I love satires! That man didn't know what he was talking about, did he? I'm guessing the German sausage got the better of her. Gut! I don't really know much more German than that.

    --RT


  • Paragonz Shadow
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    This is great! Hilarious! I see nothing to improve

    Good luck in the contest and thanks so much for entering - this is what I was looking for,

    Jazzy


  • DoozerDan silver member
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    Pahahahahahaha! Awesome. Still can't get over his sleazyness, it almost made me laugh out loud, (which is very hard to do, so congrats)

    Ok, so it pushed the boundaries of a couple of the rules of me contest, but as it would not have worked properly without, I'll let that slide.

    Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck!


  • OkapiShomapi
    December 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    First paragraph: beautiful. The only thing I would suggest is combining the first two sentences with a colon; this is how analogies are made to really flow together, I think. Beautiful, though, really.

    "I typed it to her with the lust of a thousand horny dogs looking for a lady poodle flying solo. One with pink braided fur and a stiff posture."
    wonderful!

    This piece is really nice, really funny. I love how you portray him throughout as a love-torn soul; how even at the end he doesn't really realized what he did (or, rather, didn't) do with her.

    I would have liked to see the beginning analogy come up again in the end, to help tie things up. But then, I did like how it ended....I don't know, I guess I just wanted the beginning to relate just a bit more to the story.

    Well, I really like this, thanks for entering!

    (good luck)

    annye


    • Blurith
      December 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comment. In response, I have to disagree with you a bit and say that the beginning is basically the theme to the entire story... the guy is so obsessed with fate that he is blinded to his own stupidity and choices throughout the entire piece.

      Just wanted to state my opinion


  • Melli
    November 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Haha, that was very very weird, yet funny. i loved it, and i love that guy. Haha, i wonder what the girl bought w/ all his money, lmao. good job, and i loved the first few sentances ezpecially!

    KEEP WRITING!

  • EnemyOfAll
    November 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I guess this goes to show that ignorance isnt't always bliss. Nicely done story, your use of metaphores worked very well. Good luck in the contest, and keep up the good work!


  • Lover of Stories
    November 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This was weird but funny. Hehe, he thought she was speaking in Japanese when it was actually German. I also liked the thing about fate being like a peanut butter and windshieldwiper sandwich. That was interesting. Anyways, thank you for entering my contest, and keep writing.


  • Faker
    October 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Interesting, the start grossed me out enough so, as much as I liked your story; I think it could do with a bit more excitement and the language that was used near the beginning wasn`t understandable, by me at least, I`m not that good with German, I`m guessing. Thanks for entering.


  • xxxWhisper-Sorrowxxx
    October 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    That was really good. Interesting way to liken fate to a... peanut butter and windshield wiper fluid sandwich. I can't really find anything wrong with it. Good job!
    The guy seems kind of cocky though, "being the internet stud that I was" lol. I thought that line was funny. Good luck in the contest


  • happy go lucky13
    October 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    funny


  • M a b e l
    July 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I liked it, and although I thought the multiple mentions of how horny he was were a little over done they were amusing and I found myself grinning and shaking my head at the sheer folly of it all.
    My favorite part was when he's 'pining' away after the 'love of his life.' Funny stuff.
    One quick question: Does that credit number work?

    ... For no particular reason, of course...


    • Blurith
      July 11, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      lol I'm not sure. Give that credit card number a shot and let me know


  • Fat Tony
    June 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Haha a sausage flat lined her hehe thats good. This is kinda Bevis & Butt head humor but it still gave me a laugh! It was funny tho so good work


    -Marshall


  • Manea
    June 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Funny, I love the first part about the peanut butter sandwitch. Kind of perverted, but it gives it character. Good job.

  • Kitzwa
    June 1, 2007

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    Nice! I thought this story was very funny. I like how easily he decides that he wants to marry this girl. I don't have any suggestions for you as far as what to change. I thought it was very well done.


  • Shiny
    May 31, 2007

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    Hehe. very funny, perverted, but funny. I like your theory of choking on sausage and if she was in surgery for it. Great work


  • Athena of Starlite
    May 30, 2007

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    Hilarious. Great imagery in the first few sentences, and enjoyable all the way through. The ending was predictable, but still hilarious. Great work. LOVE IT!


  • Ade Conway
    May 30, 2007

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    Wow. The first two sentences left me speechless. I LOVE IT. Such a great saying.

    Heh, this story is wonderfully amusing. A lovely glimpse into the life of a gullible net junkie.


  • CaptStarr of Tardis
    May 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hahaha!!! Oh wow that's GREAT I was laughing all the way through, you nailed it. This was weird, and I GOT every bit of it!

    Very very nice!

  • TuesdaysChild
    May 25, 2007

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    *laughing* o my god, he's such a pervert! I'm guessing he accidently sent out his credit card number?


  • plurangel silver member
    May 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    well i'll be honest and say i only read the ending lol. truthfully i'm trying to figure out which of your works earned you a silver trophy and in which contest lol. but the ending made me laugh so kudos to you for that *thumbs up*


  • LostShadow silver member
    May 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow this was funny, very strange but funny.
    Hope you learnt your leason.
    Very nicely written with good flow.

    Keep up the great work

    Em


  • the wonder girl silver member
    May 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Yay, peanut butter! we all love peanut butter! *chucks bread out the window*

    Haha! OMG, this was just FUNNY! had me giggling at a lot of parts.. Japanese..? ANd I was like.. "it doesn't sound Japanese" and then I realized the person (haha, "you" ))) was on the slow side lesson number 1: never give away your credit card number lesson number 2: do good in frisbee

    Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us
    Good luck with the contest ^_^

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