Chapter one- Deaths
A girl with chestnut colored hair got down on her knees. She was pleading, "Oh please don't hurt my babies! I'll do anything!"
“Anything?" a man with a rough hoarse voice said.
The man’s skin was a pasty white color and his eyes red with evil. He looked almost not human. It was true that he had some human like qualities but then again he had no ears. Only slits where the ears should have been.
“give me your son or your daughter and I will let them live" he replied in a menacing tone.
"n-no I will not give them up!" she exclaimed.
Suddenly another man came into the room. He had very messy brown hair and what looked like a sapphire blue colored cloak on. His face wore a tired expression and his eyes that were green looked as if they lost some of there shine that they once had when he fought HIM.
"Kristin!" He cried. "Take them out of here; I will take care of HIM!" He paused for a moment then added, " and whatever you do don't look into his eyes! He will hypnotize you and keep you as his follower!"
Suddenly the man that was named HIM said, “Oh no you won't!" Just as he said it he pointed his fat sausage like finger at the man and the girl who were now hugging each other their children in fright. "Eskedazempra!"
"NOOOO!" Said the man and the woman as they darted in front of their two baby twins. With this the woman named Kristen Screamed a high pitch scream that was soon followed by the mans scream.
Now HIM went over to where the two babies laid .They looked as if to be twins. The boy HIM thought might be some use to him but the girl obviously would not.
Now he was debating on whether to keep the boy and kill the baby girl or if he should just annihilate them both. As he thought about all the happiness children brought..and how that might someday ruin him. He decided he couln't chance it. He had already made that mistake of love ruin him once. When he became a father.
Slowly HIM lifted his finger to both children and muttered, “Eskedazempra," he waited. Nothing happened. He then tried again but found that it didn't work. Then he let out a horrifying cry and the darkest wizard of all time vanished in thin air.
Chapter two- The great news
Carranee woke up to find her head throbbing with pain and cold sweat trickling down her face. She had just had the most horrifying dream of her life. When she felt she was over the shock of this dream she got out of bed and went down stairs.
Once she got down stairs, she went to the bathroom; her brown hair was partly wet because she had not dried it the night before. She had a tendency to do this even when her mother reminded her.
Carranee loved her features. She liked the fact that she was really skinny and that she was tall. Her favorite feature about herself was that her eyes were the most prettiest shade of green one could imagine. They were like a soft emerald green color. Many times people had accused her of wearing colored contacts because her eye color was so rare.
Once Carranee was through examining herself she went down the next set of creaky wooden stairs that seemed to groan whenever she walked on them as if they were saying Hey! Get of of me! Or were they? sometimes Carranee had the funniest feeling that things talked to her. She would never of course tell this to her mother or her father because she would look stupid.
When she entered the kitchen she found her mother and her father drinking their usual morning cup of coffee. Her mother was really slim and had straight blonde hair. She was so slim you could almost see the ribs through her t-shirt. Her father was slim too, but had very black smooth hair. Sometimes she wondered how she got her messy brown hair from her parents.
“Carranee!" they both exclaimed. “Happy birthday!" Ever since she had woken up from that dream she forgot it was her 11th birthday.
“Look what we got you.“ They said holding a letter in their hands.
"What is it?" She asked in excitement.
“Well go on open it," her parents urged.
When she opened it a person came out of the letter. He appeared to be in an almost holographic form. The man was apparently very old. she would have guessed maybe eighty or ninety years. He had many wrinkles on his face but to her surprise his face wasn't worn like some peoples faces were. NO, his face showed happiness and a love for life even at his old age. He had an aqua robe on that made his eyes shine like stars.
"Carranee Tailor we invite you to come to Talonclaw Sorcery School" he said.
“Wait?" She replied. "Who are you?"
"My name is Professor James Caselbolt," he replied.
“Oh," she said boredly.
"Ahh," he said smiling. “Hello, lily and Jordan I haven't seen you two since eleven years ago,"
“It’s nice to see you to," Carranee's dad replied.
"So why are you here?" she questioned not meaning to sound rude.
“I am here to tell you that you are a witch," He said in a jolly tone of voice.
“What!” Carranee Shouted in shock. “I Can’t be! You have made a mistake. This is..this is somebody’s Idea of a practical joke!” She replied hysterically.
“Carranee, do you have some strange special talent? like talking to things or having things talk to you?” He asked. “or like having premonitions or something?”
Carranee was silent for a moment as she proccessed what this man was trying to tell her. Finally she said, “ Yeah I geuss I sometimes do both of those things….why?”
“Those special talents are what make you a witch,” he replied trying to make her understand. Now he began looking at his watch to see the time and Carranee could tell that she was keeping him from important business.
"I'm sorry but am I keeping you from something?" she asked curiously.
"No, Its just my watch is acting funny again...poor thing must have the measles," he replied sighing.
"let me see it," she said holding out her hand for him to give it to her. " sometimes things talk to me...objects I mean," she said as she put her hand on the watch and listened. "It's telling me that you have its band to tight around your wrist and it has a terrible time being so close and feels kind of claustrophobic.
"Oh!" he said with what seemed like a mile long grin. " I never knew watches felt that way!" Then after a moment he said, " see, you are a witch..because no other person would be able to do that."
“O.k. I guess I am a witch…..now what?” she asked him as unpatiently as it was possible to ask someone.
"So I take it that you want to come to Talonclaw?" James Caselbolt asked.
"Yes Mr. Caselbolt I accept," Carranee replied politely.
"Good then we will just have your parents sign here," He said pointing to a piece of paper.
"And from now on you will address me as either Professor or Sir," he added looking at Carranee with a smile.
"Yes...sir," she said remembering to tack sir to the end.
A contest entry
- Options... or Fantasy! by Radiance.
225 points, ended May 24, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For anyone under 15 by SageSyren.
450 points, ended May 29, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - American Idol Collides with SW by Andrew Timothy.
260 points, ended June 19, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I don't know what the title of this book should be yet so if you have any idea's they would be appreciated.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This story has really good ideas, but it feels to me as if it's based too much on Harry Potter. I think you should put commas in your longer sentences. Read your writing out loud to yourself, and whenever you need to take a breath, stick a comma in! Obviously, the comma has to be at the end of the word. There are a few sentences, which I think would sound better if the wording was changed, for example: ‘and what looked like a sapphire blue colored cloak on.' could be changed to 'and he wore what appeared to be (or what looked like) a saphire blue cloak.' ‘and his eyes that were green looked as if they lost some of there shine that they once had when he fought HIM.' would sound better: 'and his green eyes looked as if they'd lost the shine they once possessed, when fighting him.'
Ok, so that's just my wording, I just think they'd sound better if they were rephrased. The rest is up to you. Keep writing, Meggh xxxxxxxxxxxx
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There are a ton of punctuation errors in this piece. The beginning left me a bit lost, but it cleared up eventually. I really think this should be expanded more. For two chapters and still having less than 1000 words! It needs more detail, more description....more everything. It's a pretty good start, but I'd like to see more here!
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I don't know if it's because of the letter, or the sorcery school, or the fact that her parents were killed when she was a baby (while HIM's magic did not have an effect on her) reminded me of Harry Potter.

But as -Syren- said, a polished version of this could present you with a great story
Thank you for sharing this with us
Good luck with the contest ^_^ -
HI Everyone! Hey I am having trouble naming the villian currently HIM in my story and i need help so if you have any good villian names please help me out!
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The first thing I noticed was that the page color was too bright. Maybe you should tone it down a bit. Also, the story was short. Try detailign things a bit more, going into more depth with your characters and their thoughts and emotions. It's a good start. Good luck in the contest.
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Cool
This was really cool though i think you could have gone into more diescription about the girl and more on the begining its good but more about who evryone is. definlty continue with it
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Just fix the errors and you've got the makings of a winner. Thanks for entering and good luck
~*Brooke*~ -
It reminds me very much of Harry Potter (which I love), but I like how you made it different with the twins. I also like how the main character has a nice family, though she can't understand where she got her hair from!
Throughout the story, however, there were punctuation, capitalization, and spelling errors. A major one, for example, is how you change the protagonist's name from 'Carranee' to 'Carranne' in a few places. Another thing that might help the reader stay on track is if you make a new paragraph each time someone talks.
Also, how can she stay so calm after being told that she can do magic? I'd be freaking out!
Thank you for entering my contest! This was fun to read. -
another thing I wrote this story in fourth grade and their is more to it but I just haven't put it down on this website yet...It is already starting to fade. Anyway if you like it you can check in to see if I put any other chapters in.
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