Jenn’s heart drummed in her chest and her stomach fluttered as her lips connected with Lily’s. The whole night had been amazing, hell more than amazing and Jenn hadn’t had anything like it before. This was only the second time she had been with another woman and Jenn was sold. She just regretted having to go so soon, but as always her work was everything.
Jenn jerked her lips away roughly from Lily’s when she felt an intense pain through her neck.
“I’m sorry Jenn.” Lily whispered as she stared deeply into Jenn’s eyes.
Jenn stared at her lover in confusion and grabbed wildly at the stinging spot in her neck. She nearly threw up when she felt the long plastic cylinder of a syringe sticking obscenely from her neck. She had been betrayed; the sudden realization that she may even have loved Lily made her more ill.
Whatever had been in the needle began to take effect and Jenn stumbled backwards away from Lily, wildly swinging her free arm trying desperately to steady herself. Her head grew heavy and clouded and the room seemed to sway and jump beneath her. When her arm hit a sturdy wooden table Jenn focused on the cool surface clinging to it and fought to keep her legs beneath her.
Jenn shut her eyes tightly willing the room to stop spinning. She opened them just in time to see a clenched fist make contact with her cheek. The shear force of the blow sent her reeling several feet until she crashed painfully to the floor.
“You said you weren’t going to hurt her!” Lily yelled with tears in her eyes.
“Well what’d you think we were going to do with her? Play cards?” One of the thugs laughed cruelly.
Jenn’s mind was flying in a million directions all at once so she didn’t see the brutal kick coming towards her face until it was too late. Jenn’s last thought was of mild surprise that her attacker wore Lugz.
When Jenn finally came crashing back into reality she wished she would fall right back out again. Her entire body screamed in agony. Blood dripped from her nose and a large gash just above her eye, she was a wreck.
She forced herself to take in her surroundings and instantly regretted doing so. She was pinned to a creaky metal chair, her wrists cuffed tightly behind her to the back rest causing her to sit at an awkward vulnerable angle.
A small metal table sat only a few feet away off to her right and was littered with various items all covered in dried blood. The rest of the room was shrouded in darkness and the only thing Jenn could see was the thin river of blood leading form herself to a small drain several feet away in the concrete floor.
Jenn knew the risks of her job. It was one thing to hear about it and train for it, but it was something else entirely to be there, at the mercy of the enemy.
“This is what I get for falling in love with a stripper.” Jenn groaned aloud.
A contest entry
- Out of the Closet by Kevan.
375 points, ended May 20, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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e x c e l l e n t
well written, enthralling but needs to be contuinued. Great characters. I loved it!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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excellent.
well written, enthralling but needs to be contuinued. Great characters. I loved it!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow. this was an intense write. i enjoyed it alot. great job!
i like the begininng, and when she says "you said you wouldnt hurt her". that brings in disloyalty within the ranks and shows the love that really is there.then the witty response. lol i had fun reading this. great job -
Alright, you have to continue with this one...PLEASE? Haha. It was well written, but some of the things, like her job, were left out. It would make more sense if you added that somewhere...
Anywho! Yay! -
kool
That was some good writing. The plot line was good and it flowed perfectly without any imperfections. But what did Jenn do for a living? Was she a stripper like Lily or a secret agent or something? Cause you didn't really explain why she was attacked or what the deal was between Lily and... Lugz was it? But other than that i thought it was really very good.
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ohh i like it! very well written, flowed seamlessly and spat out suspense, brutality and confusion with ease. i want to know more, is there a continuation of this? in spite of the cliches and way out plot line [which i found to add a nice irony and satirical quality to this almost-murder mystery], i very much enjoyed this.
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Hmmmmmmmm
First off, let me say, a nice write.
However, it is very rare for a girl to be attacked by a stripper, esp. a attack so organised as this one. The fact that it was so rare, made it hard for the reader to imagine. To solve this, I would add some explanation as to why Jenn was attacked/kidnapped. This knowledge would help the reader to understand/imagine.
Though, overall, a nice write. Well done, and keep it up. -
BETRAYAL!!!
YES.... I love reading about people who have been deceived...mwuahahaha. Excellent job, you really gave the reader the feeling that the two were very close, and then you RIPPED IT AWAY when Lily put the syringe in the Jenn's neck, oh that was so cool. So deceitful, so awful, yet fun to read about. Oh, and the descriptions are great, I loved the little insert about how the shoes were lugz, because yeah I have a pair of my own. Haha it was fun to read, but surprisingly short...maybe you could have lengthened the beginning a little longer to make the reader believe even more so that they're extremely intimate lovers, and then POW needle in the neck. SUCKA. Haha I'd love to read more, so let me know if you lengthen this piece a little bit. Keep up the great work,
-code named 17
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I liked the plotline and all. There were cliches that were a little hard to bear, but if you clean it up, I'm sure that it would be amazing.
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If you'll forgive me, Ithink there are some things wrong with the writing. First, dealing with such way out subject material (needles in the neck while making love with strangers) I would certainly strive to make the writing...the language seem credible. For example, it should be flawless...and you might be more aware of cliches ("take its TOLL..." "heart POUNDED in her chest..." "DUTY CALLED"..."PAIN SHOOT THROUGH..." "STARED DEEPLY..." "SHEER FORCE OF THE BLOW..." ROOM SPINNING..." SENT HER REELING..." "SHROUDED IN DARKNESS..."
Also find better words than: CRASHED...(which you used twice, and VARIOUS items (didn't seem at all appropriate in that scene...and better phrases than: "COMPLETE MESS!" lol. You might also reconsider: "It was something else entirely to be there FOR REAL!
Try it. The story could be exciting...if you were more careful with the writing. LISTEN TO IT!
GA
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Whoa, I don't even know how to describe this piece. I could say it was beautiful but that doesn't seem to work. Was it sad? Oh yes. Great job and please keep up the awesome work. Thank you for the entry!!
~Kevan!~
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