-1-
I went to my office in the Ocean Works facility. I noticed I had an E-
mail. I opened it and it said there was a scooter race at 3:00 this
afternoon.
I loved the scooter races and decided I’d go to this one. The time
was 2:47 and I hurried to find out where the race was being held. As I
scrolled down, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was scheduled to race in
this competition.
I raced to the perimeter walk. I hopped on a waiting scooter. It
was 2:57. As I looked around I saw security guards all around. I asked
Paul what was going on.
He said, “This is an unscheduled race. The boss doesn't know
about it. We set up a distraction in work room 9. 57 sand bags will fall
on the center of the room.”
There was a muffled boom.
“There they go,” said Paul. “Get ready guys.”
Bill walked on to the starting line. He said, “On your mark, get set,
GO!”
I cranked the gas handle back and pulled ahead. 14 other guys
were behind me trying to catch up. After 30 seconds, five people
managed to get ahead.
Everyone started to slow down as we reached the stretch of the walk
that parallels the ocean gates. That stretch runs for nearly a mile. The
walk was slightly wet from the ocean spray.
We went over the bridges that crossed the canals for the submarines
and boats that left the facility. All of the bridges were draw bridges
that open at the middle. No one was afraid about ships coming out
because they all were being worked on. All the doors were closed so
we couldn’t see what was going on inside and they couldn’t see us.
About halfway down the stretch something disastrous happened.
One of the drawbridges opened up. There was no time to stop. I
gunned the motor and shot over the opening bridge like a ramp. I
landed safely, stopped and radioed back for everyone to stop. I looked
back but I didn’t see anything. All I saw was churning water. At once I
knew a submarine had just left.
The bridge closed and the race resumed. Around the North Side we
came into a turn. Charles didn’t slow down. Normally he would have
made it. But the tropical storm 200 miles away from us was making
wave spray dampen the walk way. Charles lost control and slid right
into the barrier. His scooter was in the middle of the walk way blocking
our passage. I was 20 feet behind it. I made a daring move. I jumped
bringing the scooter with me and I rode the rail all the way around the
curve. At the end I jumped down and resumed my course. I heard Rob
stop and move the scooter. I called in the medic squad to Charles’s
location.
At the East Side I made another daring move. One that could have
cost me the race. I jumped off of the rails and onto a support beam.
The beam was very wet. I kept my balance. The beam went under the
water. My wheels were almost submerged under the froth the waves
delivered. The beam led me away from the walk way and let me out on
the South Side. The race was mine now. Until I saw Ryan come from
the beam. It was an all out race to the Finish on the West side. I
rounded the corner with Ryan at my heels. He was slowly gaining on
me. I put all the speed I could in the scooter. Then Ryan slowed down.
His battery was dying on him. Mine was too. The finish was just 200
feet away. A wave crashed down on the walk 100 feet ahead. I drove
through it and lost control. I slid into first place.
-2-
I went back to my office and looked on my computer. I went on the
Internet and brought up the weather. Tropical Storm Henry was now
Hurricane Henry. It was a category 2, almost a 3. It as 200 miles off and
was making turn for the facility. It was estimated to get stronger before
it made landfall, 300 miles away.
I glanced at the time and went to dinner. The smell of taco ala king
was wafting through the halls. I took my seat and helped myself to the
food. Two minutes later, Bill walks in.
“How’s the sand cleanup,” I asked.
“Good,” he replied. “I was just in there pretending to have no idea
what happened.” Seeing the food he said, “Ohh goodie Taco ala king.”
The boss, Frank, walked in and I called him over.
“Hey Frank, come here a sec. You know that tropical storm Henry, It’s
200 miles out. Oh and it's Hurricane Henry; category 2 becoming 3 by
morning. It's on its way here. By the time it gets here its supposed to be
stronger. What should we do? I think we should get to the main land.”
“No,” he said. “We should wait it out here. I just looked at the
weather and it could destroy this place if we didn’t repair the damage.
We stay.”
We all finished dinner as everyone else started to come. I went back
to my room to take a shower.
I guess this is a good time to tell you that Ocean Works facility is a
building out in the middle of the ocean, 100 miles away from civilization.
We get out fresh waster via supply pipes under the water on the ocean
bed. Food comes on a supply freighter every month. We also get our
fuel with ocean floor pipes. Our power comes from solar panels and
wind power. Our phone lines are via satellite so no wires. We have our
own private quarters so we have life pretty good.
When I got out of the shower I went to bed. I heard noises coming
from the hall as Frank was directing the crews to batten down the
hatches. Carts with squeaky wheels went by with boards for the
window. Then I fell asleep.
In the morning I went to my office to check on the status of Hurricane
Henry. As predicted, it was a category 3. I also noticed a thunder storm
coming. I looked out of my window and I saw a ship. I went outside to
see what was going on.
Cement blocks were being unloaded from a cargo ship and being
cemented on the wall surrounding the complex. The ship was empty
within a half hour. In the distance I could see another ship heading in
our direction.
Frank came out to watch the construction and called to the workers.
“Hurry up and get those blocks in place. We don’t have much time.”
I don’t know why Frank wanted to have the wall higher. The exterior
wall were pretty high already. They stand 10 feet off the ocean surface.
A ship’s horn sounded and the ocean gates opened. A second
ship had arrived. Another boat arrived a few seconds after and pulled
up to the dock. A moment later, I saw Charles being carried on a
stretcher to the boat. I didn’t know how they covered that one up and I
wasn’t going to ask.
The ship left and I saw one of our ships go out. I recognized it as
the storm tracker ship. It goes into storms and sends us the
information. Then we send the info to the mainland.
-3-
The ocean gates closed and I went inside for breakfast. I got some
toast and bacon. Paul came in looking tired. He had to help put up the
wall. As he got closer, I could see he was wet too.
“It’s raining out if your wondering,” he said.
“Oh,” I replied.
I heard the crash of thunder outside or it could have been the wall
falling down. The thunder storm was here. I heard shouts from the hall
way and squeaking feet. Something must have gone wrong. As I got up
to see what was going on the emergency warning siren went off. I ran
out the doors and down into the shelter under the ground. I got down
the wooden staircase and asked Rick what happened.
“There is a waterspout over the ocean and its heading this way. I
don’t want to imagine this place after this. And we have that hurricane
coming. What a perfect week!”
I knew what a waterspout was. A tornado forming over a body of
water. I knew it wasn’t going to be as powerful as a regular land
tornado because somehow the water slows it down. The waterspout
passed without incident except for missing a few concrete blocks.
Work on the wall resumed and the siren was shut off. Everyone not
working on the wall was assigned a job. I had to move all the
equipment into the garage. That took awhile. Every tractor and scooter
had to be moved in. When the garage was full, I boarded up some
windows until lunch.
Lunch was simple. Macaroni and cheese. I wolfed it down and
resumed boarding up the windows. All of the bay doors had to be
bolted down at the bottom. I got on my diving suit and hammered all of
the bolts into place. I had to secure the ocean gates so I took a jet ski
and locked and barricaded the gates.
I went to my quarters to take a nap. During that time a lot of work
got done. The wall was completed. The emergency area was cleaned
up so we could live there during the hurricane.
I got on the Internet again and I was dismayed. Hurricane Henry was
now a category 4. The storm was still 100 miles off. Frank came on the
P.A to announce it.
Monday was garbage day so everyone took their trash out to the
garbage ship which was waiting in the dock. I went back to my quarters
to watch TV. By that time it was 9:00. I flicked the TV to Spike TV and
watched Monday Night Raw. It is a wrestling thing I like from the WWE
(World Wrestling Entertainment). I went to dinner when it was over and
was surprised to see everyone there. It was 11:00 at night. I guess
everyone was busy. After I ate I went to bed.
-4-
In the morning, I was woken up to Frank telling everyone the
hurricane was now a category 5. It was 75 miles off of us. At least it
couldn’t get any stronger. Henry’s winds were a sustained 160, the
maximum of a hurricane, or so Frank said.
I went outside to take a walk. At the South East corner, I saw a dark
cloud far off. I knew it wasn’t going to be far off for long. I hoped it
wasn’t going to get stronger before it got here. As I was watching, the
storm lit up. I reminded myself to tell Frank we needed to leave Ocean
Works. The storm was very strong.
I saw a ship coming toward the facility. Frank must have called for
an evacuation ship. I continued my walk and came to the North side. I
looked at the gates and saw the ship come in. It was the storm ship,
not a rescue ship. I noticed the water outside the gates was getting
choppy. I wondered what the water would be like when the storm hit.
At the West side I went in the door. I walked along the corridor
until I came to Frank’s office. He said come in after I knocked. I told
him
about the storm. He didn’t see the need to leave so I brought him out to
the South East side so he could see the storm himself.
It had gotten windy since I had gone in. As we came to the SE
corner, my stomach did a somersault. The storm was even closer!
“Frank,” I yelled. “Get a ship out here now! That storm is even
closer that it was earlier!”
“No,” he said. “It’s too late. We’ll have to ride it out.” The
storm flashed in the near distance. “Get inside. Take your emergency
things to the bunker. I’m calling everyone down.”
I ran to my office. I locked my window and boarded it. I took my
laptop. I locked the door and ran to my quarters. I took my sheets and
everything else I needed. Locking the door behind me, I ran to the
bunker as Frank’s message came over the PA.
“Attention. There is an emergency. The storm has almost arrived.
Please take all necessary things down to the bunker. Kitchen workers:
please bring a supply of food. If anyone has spare time, please help
with everything. Just in case somebody didn’t hear the message, I’m
turning on the emergency siren.”
The emergency siren sounded and people started moving into the
bunker. I hooked up my laptop to the Internet cable and looked at the
storm data. It was still 73 miles off! I ran to Frank and told him. We
ran to the door and went to the SE side. The storm was back where it
was early this morning when I first saw it! Frank couldn’t believe it.
Neither could I.
Frank went in to tell everybody to go back to what they were doing. I
looked at my books to find out when mirages can occur. I found out that
they occur right after sunrise. That’s when I showed Frank. The storm
was magnified. We saw a glimpse of the strengthening storm.
Frank was in his office calling the mainland for an evacuation ship.
Bad news for us. All of the ships had been taken out of the water as a
safety precaution. We were stuck in the facility.
-5-
I went inside for breakfast. The dining hall was full. Everybody was
out of bed from the early threat. I was trying to find a way out of here.
Frank was too.
I walked around the facility and the outside walks to get some idea
on how to escape. I decided to go to my favorite thinking spot; an island
just a mile off the North side. It wasn’t a very big island. It was only
about a quarter mile in diameter.
I went to the garage and opened the floating dock. I rode a jet ski
to the small boat elevator. I pushed the button marked docks and the
door shut behind me. I sped out of the facility gates and headed North.
The trip took me about five minutes. I pulled up to my fort I had
built two years back. Its top floor went above the tree level so I could
see
in all directions. It also had a basement where I stored a lot of stuff. I
went down there to see if there was anything to aid in our escape. I
found an old slingshot, a squirt gun, and an old remote control boat.
I decided to nap after seeing these to formulate ideas. As I was
lying down I thought about the jetskis taking us over. I then realized they
couldn’t hold enough fuel.
My first dream had me on my jetski shooting rocks with my
slingshot. Then a shark tried to eat me. I shot it in the nose and it
furiously swam away. I was then attacked by a hurricane.
I woke up. It was dark. I must have slept through the whole
afternoon. I thought about my dream while I went up for my jetski.
Maybe, I thought, we could make a giant slingshot and shoot the jetskis
toward the mainland. That would get them about twenty-five miles.
They could go only 70 miles with a full tank. Maybe a battery could get
them five miles. It seemed crazy enough to work.
I put the boat back into the floating dock and went to see Frank. I
told him my brilliant idea. He thought it could work. I reminded him that
we needed a lot of material to accomplish this feat. He said that he
knew and that we had it.
I left Frank’s office and went to the floating dock. I opened the
secret door in the wall to find a lot more jetskis. I counted them and the
ones in the floating dock; 50 of them. That wasn’t enough to get all 200
people out of here. I ran to Frank to tell him. He didn’t know what to
do. Luckily, I did. I ran to my quarters to take yet another nap.
I was underwater and I could breathe. I was in turbulent waters. I
could see something ahead; the shore! Upon reaching it, three crane
hooks pulled me out.
I woke up in a cold sweat. I didn’t know where I was. I was
breathing heavily. I could hear a noise. Frank was talking on the PA.
“...Is now 35 miles off of us. We need to find a way out of here or
we may all die. If anyone has any ideas please come to my office now.
That will be all.”
I ran to Frank’s office. He opened the door and I told him about my
dream. I said, “We should take the submarines to the shore. Or, or,” I
put in seeing the annoyance of ‘the ports are closed’ on his face, “we
could take them down to a depth where the turbulence can’t get to us.
We have enough supplies to last a few weeks.”
“That just might be crazy enough..,” he started.
“To get us all killed?” I suggested.
“No, no. To work. I’ll make the announcement. Get all of your
things to the inner bay and blow the locks. Hurry up!”
Frank picked up the phone and dropped it in his hurry. At least he
didn’t run into the closed door. By the time I opened it and stepped out,
he was already making the announcement.
“Attention all! We have an escape plan! Get your things to inner bay
numbers 10, 26, 48, and 56. Bay workers need to blow the locks.
Kitchen workers need to bring food. Lock up everything else and let’s
move!”
-6-
Everyone was anxiously waiting to board. Muffled explosions came
from beneath the murky water. Bubbles rose up majestically. The locks
were blown! The submarine hatches opened and everyone filed
through. The bay doors opened and the draw bridges were lifted.
The conning tower hatches closed and the subs began the long
journey. The bay doors closed remotely. The facility was secure.
The submarines stopped while the ocean gates were being opened. I
went up to the front and found the snack room (as we called it), and
received my orders. I was appointed captain.
The subs started moving and I was knocked off my feet. Paul helped
me up. He told me I was needed in the control room.
I left the snack room and went all the way up, to the head of the
sub. Bill said, “We need to go on an island somewhere around here.
Frank has supplies stored there. That guy always thinks ahead.”
“Really?,” I replied. “He never struck me as that type. Ok, then.
I’m going to plug my laptop into that port over there. I need to update my
info on the storm.”
I retrieved my laptop from my bags and hooked it up to the port.
The storm was twenty-five miles off. The system was moving fast. It
would be here in two hours.
We stopped on the island. I looked around to try and get my
bearings. Something suspicious caught my eye. I climbed up the
nearest palm and looked off toward the other side of the island. To my
amazement, I saw my fort! Frank had stored supplies on my island. I
took advantage of this and took some some supplies from my fort. I
locked up my power windmill and covered the solar panels. All of that
wind would have blown the battery, generating so much electricity.
I took another route back to the subs. This route brought be by the
cliffs.
I looked down and saw the waves crashing against the rocks, over
one hundred feet below me. Looking Southeast, I saw a small speck
on the water. That speck was the facility. I sighed and went back to the
subs. I saw Frank waiting with a list. He was putting everyone on
different subs according to their skills so we wouldn’t have to stop for
every little problem. Frank took my sub. He knew I was already captain.
We took the first sub. He gave me a route sheet he had just made. It
took us right by the cliffs.
“Frank,” I said. “We can’t do this.”
“Why not?” he inquired.
“That route takes us right by the cliffs,” I replied.
“And?” he asked impatiently.
“The water there is too turbulent there,” I explained.
“How do you know?” he demanded.
“I was at the cliffs,” I admitted.
“You could have been lost!” he shouted.
“I know this island pretty well,” I said. “I’ve been on it for
quite a while.”
“What do you mean?” he asked sharply.
“I made this my special island,” I said. “Just about everyone has
one right?”
“Well, yes,” he admitted sheepishly. “But this is my special
place,too.”
“Um, well I made a fort over there,” I told him. “I took some
supplies.”
“Good, we’ll need them. Let’s go. We’ll turn around and head to
shore.
Only one and a half hours until the storm arrives.”
I gave the order for full speed ahead an hour later. As we started
up, I heard a queer grinding noise coming from the back of the sub. All
of a sudden, the engines cut. The sub lurched, and I was knocked
down. My head hit the side of the control panel.
I woke up in my cabin. The water outside was turbulent; the
sub was
rocking. We were moving though. I went back to the control room. Bill
was in there eating a tuna sandwich. I looked at him and he motioned
toward the radar screen. I took one look and I was horrified. We were
right beneath the hurricane! According to GPS, we were about three
minutes from the shore.
Upon reaching the shore, we stayed put underneath the ocean’s
surface. We waited for a day, and our supplies were used up. We had
nothing to do but wait; wait for the time that the winds and rains would
stop.
The fresh air smelled glorious. It felt good to finally step foot
on solid ground. We were victorious; we had ridden out Hurricane
Henry by going beneath the storm.
A contest entry
- Pay It Forward - Prewrites allowed by Sith Lord Alvarez.
900 points, ended May 21, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Contest for All - Big Points to win! by k3nny.
1250 points, ended June 16, 2007, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Needs a lot of work
I went to my office in the Ocean Works facility. I noticed I had an E-
mail. I opened it and it said there was a scooter race at 3:00 this afternoon.(I made my way to my office in the Ocean Works facility, sat at my desk. After swtiching on my desk top and logging on, I realised I had an e-mail. Clicking on the open button I read the e-mail. It read, 'Scooter race at 3:00 this afternoon.)
In chapter one, what was the point of the scooter race, didn't get that part of the story and since you want to draw a reader in, for me this didn't. Personally the first chapter needs something more exciting, or maybe an explanation of why they are racing, what age are they? At first I thought they were teenagers, then realise since they work in an office they must be older.
Chapter two, okay I liked the idea about the weather, but the speach bewteen the characters seems a bit fast, need to slow it down. You go from talking about the Henry Hurricane to finishing dinner.
Again he showers and goes to bed, maybe a bit more about the shower, example--The jets of water tricked down my naked body as my thoughts turned to what might happen when Henry hit us. I turned the shower off and pulled the large blue beach towel around myself. Dried myself and pulled on my clean boxers and crawled into my warm bed.
I do feel the story moves very quickly, short chapter with rushed information.
I had to give up at chapter three as it moves way to fast and I have no idea who this person is, what he looks like, if I like him and want to read about him, or her, not even sure what gender this person is. Have him/her have thoughts about things, use italics to let the reader know these are his/her thoughts.
I really hope my advice is helpful.
Sarahhitch
beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 1.
-
umm... first comment as I read the beginning. You use too many 'I'. It annoys readers at times and bored others. So, try to change the sentence structure whenever you can.
Also, try to avoid repetition along the story. For example, in the last paragraph of Chapter 1, I saw the word beam in 3 consecutive phrases.
All in all, this story is quite okay. I'd suggest re-reading, that'd do loads of good to your story. Nothing really bad with your writing, it just need some polishing.
Thanks for entering and Good Luck! -
Excellent
This is definatly my type of story. It was absolutely thrilling and it was extremely well written. Good Job.


