On the battlefield of love and peace,
The sea strokes the shore tenderly,
And the moon blows kisses at the sea,
But the sea doesn't see,
And we all must agree
That it's better to be
Dirt, than a star, sometimes.
And the sun keeps the front lines nice and warm,
For the stars and the moon and the sea and the shore,
And all four abhor,
The heated core,
And ask for more,
Or less, it depends on their mood
On the peaceful, loving battlefield,
Hopes are dashed and dreams are killed,
Wishes are chilled,
Voices are stilled,
And the tears that are spilled,
Are so few can be filled,
With the spirit of the undying truth.
A contest entry
- Publishable Poems? by Bitter Irony.
300 points, ended July 2, 2007, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
If you critique me, I'll critique you back. Leave a link!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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A lovely piece. What really grabs me is the wording and imagery of the first three lines. Those are some of the best I've read on SW.. good work.
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Will you marry me? (j/k) Thanks, though. Glad you liked it.
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My first question: why on earth do you switch from a battlefield metaphor to a "sea" metaphor?
My second question is, have you read this poem out loud? Some flow problems, such as the use of the word "sea" three times in three lines, could have easily been caught by a quick read-through.
Some of your lines seem to be trying way too hard, for example, "the battlefield of love and peace" and "the spirit of undying truth."
Your message was most effective in the line "That it's better to be/Dirt, than a star, sometimes." Some of the other imagry, such as the moon blowing kisses to the ocean, frankly doesn't make sense. What does that have to do with either your message or your metaphor?
The rhyming is nice, but seemed forced when you used the word "abhor."
My overall verdict is that this is an excellent attempt. As it is, it isn't publishable, but with a bit of editing, it might be. You have the talent, it's just hiding behind a few lines of melodramatic language.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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Thanks.
I appreciate the honesty. The poem was written to be read aloud, so yes, I would say it's been read aloud a few times. Frankly (you were frank, so I will return the favor), I think you missed the point. The reuse of sea was intentional intentional. I'm not really worried about getting it published again, but I was mostly trying to get some other thoughts/exposure. Which I did. Thank you. I will consider some of what you said. -
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I understand that I missed the point: that's what I was asking. What WAS the point? What specifically are you trying to say in this poem? What do "love and peace" have to do with the "heated core" or "spirit of undying truth"? All three are beautiful concepts, and you phrased the second one wonderfully--I'm just wondering what it is you're trying to say about them all.
Rereading my review, I see that I was terribly rude in the first two paragraphs. I'm very sorry about that: I could easily have phrased those two questions much more politely, and I'm sorry that I didn't.
Now, I'm just curious: what would you say is the message (or theme, if your prefer) of this poem? -
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No worries. I've been an editor before, so I know bluntness is pretty easy to transform into rude. No hard feelings. The first line isn't the point, it's more of the setting. I'd been going through some relationship stuff (cliche but true), and I just couldn't keep from thinking how love and happiness is so often like a war, how people have to strategize and fight for it...that's the first line. The sea is the girl, peacefulness, self-fulfillment, whatever basic element of contentment the reader happens to be fighting for. The rest, the theme is kind of how bad things suck. Once again, cliche but true. Of how the best option (the sun, the moon, etc) doesn't always get the respect a bystander would guess it deserves. Then the last verse (which is the weakest by far in my mind)Is just kind of my own personal commentary on the whole game (or whatever you want to call it). I understand not liking it. I don't like it. I wrote it, submitted it, it's been published in some local mags and literary journals, everybody likes it, and I look at it now and I'm just like, "god, it's so emo!" But, I'm glad people connect with it, so I keep pumping it out there. Thanks again for clarifying. I got on here, and I was hoping you'd be cool, and not a self-righteous, pompous ass. Thanks for not being the latter. Have a good day.
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"Dirt, than a star, sometimes." It's probably just me, but I got confused with this line. I reread it to make sure if it fits well, but somewhat I don't know if it does. The flow was really well, before and after this line but this seemed a little out of place. It's just my opinion, but good job, it really was a nice poem.
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I kind of wrote this to be read aloud, so it may be that the tempo really sells that part. I've had other people tell me that line doesn't fit/make sense/belong there, but that's the most emotionally driven part of the poem for me, so I left it in there
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oh my, I loved this poem! It was so...awesome! I think you did a really great job constructing the lines to connect and describe what's going on. REALLY awesome poem!
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That was a really good, and the flow of the rhymes were great. Keep up the good work!
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