The Evil Pirate Queen

There once was fearless pirate named Unquestionable Mark. He stood at least fifteen feet tall, had a golden body and an orange pirate bandanna. He was made up entirely of muscles that looked like they were waxed to give them an extra shine, and they were so massive that they were bulging out of his body. Where a 6-pack would be, there was a 7-pack instead, and it protruded so far from his body that one could have had a nap on it if they wanted to. He was wearing nothing but a tiny pair of tight, emerald shorts, and his legs looked like they could support a tower. In his free hand was a sword, but it wasn't just any regular weapon that a peasant could carry. It's silver, blood-stained blade was as tall as he was and as wide as the seven seas combined. He gripped the blade with his golden fingers that had silver finger nails, and when he looked out into the sea with his stunning good looks, his unpatched eye was actually a diamond.1

His loyal and invaluable first mate was Lemma, a ruthless and innocent pirate with the uncanny ability to turn grains of sand into green apples. She wore apple earrings, threw apple cores at unloyal pirates as they walked the plank, and otherwise helped spearhead many bloody victories in the seven seas.2

On one fateful day, Unquestionable Mark and Lemma, along with their scurvy-ridden crew (Lemma never shared her apples with peasants), went off to explore a chasm that had opened in the middle of the ocean. Their ship was pulled into the foggy void, and they were all knocked out as they fell violently into its stomach (except Mark, who was too busy flexing in a mirror at the time to let such nuisances bother him). 3

Eventually the boat came to a standstill, the crew awoke, and surprise filled the cabins. When Mark heard the murmuring voices, he came onto the deck and saw the strange orange water that littered the horizon.4

"Arrrr," growled Mark. "The legendary 8th sea."5

"How exciting!" squealed Lemma.6

After sailing blindly for a while, they came upon an island of shadows with a hideous looking kingdom perched in its center. Mark wasn't worried, he could probably crush the castle with his bicep, but there was an enticing smell that filled the salty sea air. It smelled exactly like pumpkin pie.7

"Aye," bellowed Mark to his crew. "I'm sick of fish and apples, I want some scrumptious pumpkin."8

"Yay," said Lemma happily. "Let's go check it out. I love adventures!"9

"Can I come too?" asked a simple peasant who was cleaning the deck of the boat with a Q-Tip.10

Mark nodded at Lemma, who then threw a green apple at the peasant's head, killing him instantly in a huge explosion of apple seeds.11

After all the peasants went nervously back to work, the glorious Mark and curious Lemma headed for the castle drawbridge. Wisely, it opened automatically as they approached, or Mark would have simply lifted it off its hinges and tossed it into the orange sun. Once the bridge was down, a wicked looking Queen came out to greet them.12

"Welcome to my kingdom, I'm the Ruler of the llamas. Queen Nikki Wicked is my name."13

"Wicked!" said Lemma, excited.14

"Wicked..." said Mark, staring at the revolting queen. She had snakes coming out of her eyes, a tiara made of llama organs and lips as black as the lingering shadows.15

"Mommy, who are they?" cried one with a girl body and a llama head. 16

"Travelers," said the Queen, who was eying Mark's golden body. "Go back and play with daddy, Mommy has business with them."17

After she had said that, she stared right into Mark's diamond eye, licking her cracked lips with her snake tongue. While she did this, pumpkin seeds flew out of her mouth.18

"Listen," spoke Mark, his golden aura immaculate. "I smelled some of that pumpkin pie. I'll let this kingdom stand if you would only give me some."19

"Nobody eats my pie but me," said the Queen, leering wildly. "But you may have some if you do me a favor."20

"Would you like an apple?" asked Lemma, picking one of her earrings off. 21

"No," laughed the Queen, her tone hideous. "I want this golden hunk to be my lover on the side. I'm addicted to diamonds, and that body is to die for. My llama husband simply isn't cutting it anymore"22

Mark shuttered at such a request.23

"No way! Unquestionable!" stormed Mark. "My muscles need subsistence, so I'll give you a minute to think it over, or I'm coming in by force."24

The Queen had never seen such insolence and stormed off in a fury, leaving Mark and Lemma standing at the closing drawbridge. After exactly one minute, Mark turned to Lemma and said, "Common, let's go back to the boat and get our army. I could just knock this whole castle down myself, but might as well give the measly peasants a crack at it first."25

"Ok!" giggled Lemma, and the two of them set off back to the shore of the 8th sea.26

When they arrived, they were shocked to see that the crew was being mauled to death by a barrage of llamas. Eyeballs were rolling all over desk, the orange sea was being corrupted by dripping red blood, and fingers were being thrown into a giant pile.27

Furious, Mark stormed at the llamas and knocked most of them dead with a swift swing of his massive sword, while Lemma took care of the rest with her marvelous display of green apple precision. Unfortunately, once the strife had ended, Mark and Lemma were the only two standing on the deck alive.28

"That nasty Queen," snapped Mark, flexing his pecks. "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."29

"Aww, there's a worm in this one," whined Lemma, too busy staring at a rotten apple and unaware that she was standing on someone's intestines.30

"Lemma!" bellowed Mark.31

"Mmmm yes?" 32

"Do you think you could summon kangaroos out of sand instead?"33

"But why, Captain Unquestionable?"34

Mark scratched his head at her contradiction, but let it slide.35

"Because, Lemma, you're from Australia, and I think kangaroo's would match up well against her llamas. Then I could concentrate on stealing her pumpkin pie once and for all."36

"I'm from New Zealand..."37

"Nevertheless!"38

So the two pirates left the ship and went to the shore. Sure enough, as easily as ripping wet paper, Lemma turned a handful of sand into an army of kangaroos. Lemma was so excited that she even climbed into one of the animal's pouches. 39

"Let's go get some dessert!" said Mark, his voice booming.40

The golden and magnificent Mark and his army stormed the castle. The kangaroos (with Lemma) hopped right over the moat and drawbridge and started battling the growling llamas inside the castle walls. Mark hung behind and let out a giant sneeze, blowing the drawbridge into the solar system. 41

The kangaroos were making quick work of the llamas, so Mark passed them and went inside the castle. He then came upon the royal chambers and saw the Queen sitting at her throne, which happened to be a rather comfortable looking couch. Her llama husband was lying on the floor beside, his robes stained in his own blood.42

"I've been expecting you," smiled the revolting Queen. "I killed my husband just for you, babe. I cannot resist your beautiful diamond eye, you muscular stud. I even bought some Victoria secret for our special night."43

"You twisted hag," spat Mark. 44

"Have you come to take my throne, handsome?"45

"Screw that!" bellowed Mark. "You know why I'm here."46

A snake protruded from Queen Nikki Wicked's eye and winked.47

"Ah yes, your affinity for pumpkin. You may have some, so long as you bow at my feet, kiss my outstretched hand and call me your Evil Pirate Queen." 48

"I'd rather make love to a cross-dressing dog," mocked Mark.49

The Queen looked rather pissed.50

"Last warning," said Mark again. "Where's the pie?"51

"In a stainless steel, bullet proof, fire proof, water proof vault behind me, so I'm afraid you'll never break through."52

Just then, Lemma came barreling into the royal chambers. There was blood soaked on her innocent face, and a dead llama was hanging from her neck like a necklace.53

"That was soooo much fun!" announced Lemma, doing a couple spins of joy. 54

"Hey Lemma, see that vault behind the Queen? Break it down with an apple."55

"Sure thing," said Lemma, who threw a fastball that a major league pitcher would be proud off. The Queen ducked out of the way in time as the apple soared past, but it didn't break through the vault. Instead, it splattered against it, juice exploding in every direction.56

"It's everything proof!" laughed the Queen, which infuriated Mark. He ran at the vault at full speed, attempting to break through the vault with force, but he bounced off the hard exterior in a mighty tumble. He then got up and swung his massive sword, but to no avail.57

"I win," squealed the Queen in delight. "Even that diamond eye, which is quite the hard material, couldn't penetrate this vault. 58

It was then that it hit the glorious pirate, he had an unquestionable idea. He walked back over to Lemma and whispered his awesome plan, much to her giggling delight. He could have just executed the plan already, but what was the point of having a first mate if he couldn't brag about how smart a captain he was.59

Once they were done with their discussion, Mark turned to face the nasty Queen.60

"Hey creepo," yelled Mark at the throne of llamas and shadows. "It just so happens I know how to bring down that vault."61

"Unlikely," spat Queen Nikki Wicked. "You're wasting your time. Come make love to me on my couch instead."62

That was the last thing Mark planned to do, and he wasn't lying about the vault. He didn't need swords, or apples, or even body checks to break through it. He had something much stronger in his possession.63

He removed the 7th muscle from his massive 7-pack and chucked the muscle at a speed faster than any bullet. The Queen didn't have time to react as the hard muscle passed through her neck on the way to the vault, beheading her instantly. 64

With a look of shock, her snake eyes fell dead in a mighty explosion. The vault door had also been blasted into smithereens. 65

"Pumpkin!" yelled the glorious Mark, staring at the shining plate of mouth watering pie that was inside the vault. "Lemma, let's go dig in!"66

"No thanks," said Lemma. "Go eat it all."67

"How come?" asked Mark, willing to share his treasure with his first mate, since thats what friends do - share. 68

Lemma pulled down her green apple earring and started eating it, a large grin on her face.