It was a Sunday afternoon when I went to see Granny. She was sipping sweet tea on the porch and rocking in her favorite chair. Granny was wearing her favorite pair of overalls with a plaid shirt and a bow in her hair to match. She wore the bow because she said she was a feminine sort of gal. Before I got out of the car I hollered out the window.1
"Granny could you call the billy goat before I get out? I hate when he tries to mount me before I get to the porch."2
She shook her head like I was a nuisance. She called the goat and then put him in the house. With the goat put away I got out of my car. I had to walk carefully as the hordes of chickens scattered in front of me. Finally I made my way to the top of the porch. 3
"Have a seat." She pointed to the rocking chair beside her.4
"Just move Fat Bastard, don't worry he won't bite."5
"Granny why don't you call your cat another name?"6
"Look at him! What other name would I call him?"7
I gave the chubby cat a pat on the head and set him down on the wooden floor beside me.8
"How have you been Granny?"9
"Oh I've been fine child. It's kind of you to ask, but poor Bessie there has been constipated for a week. Have you ever tried feeding prunes to a cow? Its not easy. I hope it don't come down to given her an enema. I really hate that."10
I nodded in agreement, trying to push the image away.11
She grounded out her Ladies Tiparillo with her boot and asked "what brings you here youngin?"12
I just wanted to see you Granny and to ask you something."13
"Well now you've seen me, what do you want to ask?"14
"Remember that pistol you've been keeping?"15
She took a sip of her tea and smacked her lips. "No I don't reckon I do."16
"You know the one you shot cousin Ned with at the table during Christmas because he told little Johnny that there was no Santa Clause."17
Granny chuckled. "Oh I only grazed him a little. You know I can't quite remember where I put that thing."18
I tried to refresh her memory. "I think the last time you used it, you shot Uncle Bernard for helping himself to your garden without asking."19
Granny laughed slapping her knee. "Yep I remember that. I got him right in the patoot too."20
She rubbed her chin thoughtfully and popped in a wad a chewing tobacco. "You know come to think of it that wasn't the last time I used it. I remember there was that army of little girls dressed all in camouflage brown comin to attack the house. They had boxes of ammo with them, so I shot a few warning shots in the air. By golly that sure did scare that hoard of curtin climbers off."21
"Um Granny I think those little girls were brownies selling cookies.22
Granny was quiet for a moment. "Oh is that so. Well next time they come I'll know. Maybe I'll buy a box of thoses cookies from them."23
She scratched her head for a moment and then her eyes lit up. "Now I remember where I put that dang thing. It's on the shelf right by the front door."24
"I've been telling the mailman I didn't want no junk mail anymore, but he keeps forgetting. I thought the next time he comes by I'd give him a reminder he wouldn't forget."25
I quickly went inside before the goat thought I was there for a date with him and grabbed the gun off the shelf. I almost made it out the door. The goat bit the end of my skirt. I pulled away quickly. When I looked back it was chewing on the material and I could of sworn it was smiling. 26
"Granny you know your birthday is coming up and I thought I would borrow your gun and have it cleaned up for you."27
"Oh I don't know if I want to be without it. You know how frail I am. I have to protect myself from intruders and solicitators."28
"But Granny a dirty gun can really throw off your aim."29
"Well maybe you're right. It has been off a bit lately."30
I quickly put the pistol in my purse, gave her a quick peck on the cheek and got up to leave before she changed her mind.31
At least this year we wouldn't have to worry about her trying to shoot out her birthday candles.32
Author notes
comedy
A contest entry
- Peanut Butter Jelly Time by Phantasmix.
170 points, ended July 16, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me a good... by Yi Yin.
230 points, ended August 21, 2007, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Most Original Contest Idea Ever. [Okay, Maybe Not, But Enter Anyway.] by miles of smiles.
875 points, ended November 25, 2007, 22 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme Funny Stories! by Peachy.
170 points, ended January 23, 2008, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A Contest for Everyone! by RegalTheft.
450 points, ended March 30, 2008, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Smile (Will Comment on Every Entry) by moonwriter.
450 points, ended June 14, 2008, 32 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me LOL!!! by DeathNoteYaoi.
230 points, ended September 28, 2008, 21 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - HARDY HAR HAR by WritersEffigy.
1000 points, ended January 24, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Funniest Thing I've Ever Read by Jason Pulcher.
130 points, ended August 4, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
-
This was semi-funny. The humor didn't seem forced by any means, there just didn't seem to be enough of it, and it was the same joke repeated "old lady shoots people".
-
Everyone should have a grandma like that!
-
Yep this is Funny as well done !!! Love with the fat basterd lol! i was crying at that part XD
DNY--
-
yay! love it! :3 ...shoot the candles out...lol..
-
lol. That was hysterical! I love the cats name and I love the entire story! This made me laugh so hard! I was really impressed. You did a really good job.
Welcome to the finalists list! -
Hehe, sure wouldn't like to tick that granny off. Anyways, great story. Could do with some more humour though. A little hint too: I LOVE crazy and weird stuff. If you enter another one of my contests be sure to keep that in mind.
--RT
PS: Kudos on the horny goat. Made me laugh.
-
I forgot to mention that you need to put the option number in the authors notes. I think I know what option it is but just to be sure
.
Thanks! -
Loved this story! It sure made me laugh, especially the last line.
I think you might do well in the contest.
Just a little hint before I judge
Good Luck! -
Loved it
It is a great short piece and I suspect Reader's Digest is screaming to get a copy. Great dialogue and background. Made me laugh and "that ain't ezy child"
By the way I read the story because of the great title.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
loved the humour
Hi letsplay, liked this very much, loved the humour, and the description of grannie is so real. this piece has more than just a hint of an old hillbilly gran living in a small shareholding with her pets and animals. well done.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
This was awesome... I loved reading this, because it had the slapstick comedy, which all people can appreciate... good job
DarkOne -
Golly! Thanks for entering so soon. It makes me happy. So brownie points for making me happy.
This story was HILARIOUS! As soon as I saw the title, I was like, "Oh God" and I clicked on it and I just started LAUGHING.
I love that granny's sense of humor, and her violent, violent ways. But she almost shot the Girl Scouts! LOL! LOL!
This was great, it really was, the humor was unique (dare I say) and my only complaint is that there were a few minor spelling/grammar issues.
But oh well, the story was too fantastic for me to care.
Bye & good luck!
♥sarah!
-
very funny. good luck in the contest
-
good luck in the contest
-
LMAO. this was freakin awesome. gj.
-
Short and sweet?
-
Top Stuff!
This is nicley written, the language that you use is also right on the mark and the story is excellent.
All the best.
jsdk
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, characters: 3.
-
"But Granny a dirty gun can really throw off your aim."
"Well maybe you're right. It has been off a bit lately."
...
At least this year we wouldn't have to worry about her trying to shoot out her birthday candles.
Thoose were a few of my favorite parts
This was just so hilarious! It made me laugh, and just picturing her was liike HAHAHA!, you know what I mean?
Great plot, good writing and good luck in the contest!
xoxo
Tay
-
Thats really funny, I loved it, really makes you think what your own granny would be like with a gun, scary lol. It was a great story and made me laugh.
-
Okay, shouldn't the granny be put into a straight jacket or something? She can't shoot at people llike that! XD Lol. I quite like the whole gun thing though.
-
Wonderful! This was very funny. I know a fair few of these "battleaxes" as we call them in the UK.
-
Oh oops, she's already seen it. My bad. Good luck again ^^
x Julez -
Just a reminder before writingangel sees this, you also need a short poem about the sun and the moon in your A/N.
I like the "granny with a gun" idea. I found this story funny. But I didn't laugh out loud or anything. But anyways, good luck.
x Julez -
Hehe, this was really funny. I love the way the main character acted as if shooting people was the most normal thing in the world. Hilarious!
Good luck in the contest!
-
Hee! I totally remember reading this before, but I guess I forgot to comment.
Oh well. I'm commenting now. Great job! :-D -
kinda reminded me of elmo's gota gun! haha...
This is good. Chilling and a bit funny... (the goat concept is hilarious!) And a granny that thinks everything needs to be shown a gun is a good concept. Good Job! -
when i first saw the title it reminded me of a song by AeroSmith. Janie's Got A Gun is the song that I am thinking of. gr8 story good luck in the contest.
-
and looks like another one who didn't read the rules... I went straight to the author notes to see if you have read the rules or not. Please read the rules again... You're missing something...
Good luck in the contest anyways! -
This is too precious for words
I have known a couplw of elderly ladies like this. They know how to have fun, a little of the ruff kind if fun, we all way ended up laughting. That was years ago, when I was much younger then. There are still sone of these kid of people out there living with a gun , their right hand keeper. mac Lover=d the story sure was filled with excitement to the end best kind. -
great story
I already sent one I think.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
"Remember that pistol you've been keeping?" I just love granny lol
You know come to think of it that wasn't the last time I used it. I remember there was that army of little girls dressed all in camouflage brown comin to attack the house. They had boxes of ammo with them so I shot a few warning shots in the air. This shouldn't be funny but it is.
Granny was quiet for a moment. "Oh is that so. Well next time they come I'll know. Maybe I'll buy a box of thoses cookies from them." This sweetens her up--don'tlike it.
"I've been telling the mailman I didn't want no junk mail anymore but he keeps forgetting. I thought the next time he comes by I'd give him a reminder her wouldn't forget." Yes!! perfect idea but is it hin or her?
At least this year we wouldn't have to worry about her trying to shoot out her birthday candles. great ending--I'm still giggling.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
A quick paced opening, draws the reader right into the action.
next time he comes by I'd give him a reminder her wouldn't forget." he or her LO
-
haha. that was funny. the granny was completely careless about who she shot or why. she seemed like she thought it was perfectly normal. cool i like it.
-
I thought that it was cute. I shudder to think of having a grandma like that but I think that you did pretty good on the character development with the granny.
I give you extra points because of all the dialogue. You did pretty good with that. I know if I tried all that dialogue it probably wouldn't come out so good.
Good Job! Keep writing! -
Your beginning was very strong with the descriptions, but that slowly slipped away. I have not looked at the contest so I am not sure what all was expected, but I feel if you were not restricted, you could have placed a lot more focus in describing the surroundings and into the memories of your grandmother. This was also a bit hard to read because there was a lack of consistency, though I do know that was to be funny and fit with the contest. What I am getting at is I think this is a good story, could use some improvement, but good luck.
beginning: 4, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
-
Wow. This story does not have correct spelling or grammar however I do find it funny. Please, next time, put the option you are trying to take for the contest. Thanks and good luck.
-
hilarious
hehehe wow i like this granny, hmph i wish my granny had a gun with her all the time. This was excellent and amusing =]
Adding your comment:
1 - 37 of 37
