Carnal Knowledge

Carnal Knowledge

There is on the whole, without any question of a doubt, no subject upon the school curriculum, which spread more amusement and playground comedy routines than 1st year S.E. class. S.E. as it was known or social education to give it its full title consisted of one forty-minute period per week. During which one member of the teaching staff, who had obviously drawn the short straw in the staff room, was forced to try and impart some non-academic worldly knowledge upon an apathetic and unruly class of twelve year olds.

Our social education teacher was the worryingly masculine Ms. Sherburne. She was around forty-five to fifty years old; she stood about five foot four inches tall in her comfortable flat-soled shoes and bore an uncanny resemblance to a walking egg. Thick black and grey golliwog curly hair, she wore National Health Service style black rimmed glasses, the lenses of which were like the bottom of milk bottles. The sweatiest of underarms to which her shirt bore testament daily, regardless of the time of day or the outside weather conditions. She was without question not adverse to a spot of female on female hands up the jumper or for that matter hands down the trousers.

This goes a long way to explain the great banana and cucumber shortage which our school dinner hall experienced the term prior as Ms. Sherburne and her “Friend.” The equally terrible head of English, the slack faced Ms. Byrd prowled the school dining facilities at break times and lunch.

Ye gad the very image!

Anyway back to our social education class.

“Lessons in Life” said Ms. Sherburne and I paraphrase a little from her “Are intangible skills which cannot be learnt by merely reading from a book or passing any exam.” These lessons were wide and varied, some were utterly useless to all but the terminally stupid: ergo, taking heroin and other intravenously injected hard drugs is a bad thing, while others were far more useful and pertinent. For instance, instruction on how to conduct oneself in a job interview, how to put together and update a rudimentary curriculum vitae and for our pains the god-awful appalling talks. For these lectures dreary local businessmen were wheeled in to preach to us the values of working for them, as they were so, in their own words “Great.”

When truth be told everyone in the room, their own offspring excluded, thought they were a shower of self-publicizing, own trumpet blowing Mike Hunts. Beer bellied, egotistical sociopaths aside, I think everyone did actually learn something at some point during the time this compulsory to all class ran.

Then one fateful, drizzly, slate grey Monday morning in late October 1982.

Doom!

Ms. Sherburne waddled/rolled in to the classroom, a videocassette in her hand and an even sterner look than usual upon her manly be- whiskered face.

“Today boys and girls, we will be watching a short film which will enable you all to begin to understand how the human reproductive system works, how the act of copulation is achieved and the various methods of birth control which are currently available!” She said through a very nervous smile while turning bright red.

Bingo we all thought, sex education, finally we were going to be taught how to do the sex and may even see although only on video a real woman with no clothes on. We could hardly contain ourselves. Even Oss the self-confessed world pocket billiards champion, who through hours of self-abuse, undoubtedly had a firm grasp, so to speak, of the various techniques involved was openly excited at the prospect.

“I will not tolerate any outbursts from the class and anyone who finds this in any way amusing will find themselves out in the corridor in double quick time!” She continued, as her embarrassment turned to annoyance as the volume level in the room markedly increased.

The beginning of this video was a total and utter farce; it showed wide angled panoramic views of hillsides in full bloom with flowers, lambs gambling around in open sunny meadows, all the while classical music roared along in accompaniment. Top marks for touchy feely artiness, unfortunately a piss poor resounding grade “F” for showing us the naked ladies.

Then on to the screen loomed a head and shoulders close up shot of a ginger haired full bearded hippy type, who the voiceover artist introduced to us as “David”. “David and his wife Sarah love one another very much and are now ready to make a life long commitment together by starting a family.” Continued voiceover chappy. The camera then cut to Sarah, once again in a close up head and shoulders shot.

Oh spoons!

Another ginger!

I don’t know about a “Life long commitment” to one another, these two would be fornicators were clearly both one sandwich short of a full picnic. They should have been committed for crimes against complexion and good common sense.

Then once again another let down in the naked female flesh department, the onscreen shot cut to a cartoon drawing of the dreaded couple both standing stark bollock naked by a bed.

“The couple embrace until the man becomes aroused!” Said voiceover man trying to hide even his obvious growing amusement at what was clear was about to follow. The cartoon David had a huge smile on his face as the camera pulled out to a full frontal cartoon nudy shot. There he was in all his ginger glory with a stiffy any Grand National winner would have been proud of.

That was it! The room erupted in uncontrollable laughter as I genuinely thought I was about to piss myself. Ms. Sherburne, the humourless butch bastard, good to her word expelled nearly half the class out in to the corridor to await the dreaded patrols of Mr. Crampbell our Deputy Rector. Just as I was being expelled by the left ear from the classroom, cartoon ginger Sarah was about to go legs akimbo when Oss shouted above the rammy “Go on my son!” As he punched the air with a clenched fist.

Needless to say he found himself out on his arse and in to the corridor with the rest of us, staring down the sharp end of six of the belt for his troubles. This raucous behaviour continued until more than half the class were out in the corridor, unable regardless of gender to control their mirth.

The following weeks S.E. class was due to the marvels of television all about the birth of the child of the previous weeks ginger fusion. This time I did not nearly wet my trousers with mirth though. Oh no! I was nearly plastered in vomit by Fat Brenda as she showed us all what she had had for her breakfast due a very ginger baby bursting fourth, like an unedited scene from Aliens, from its mothers neither regions, once again in her by now legendary legs akimbo pose.

As for the birth control/contraception lesson the following week, I think that the image of the spawn of ginger ensured that the girls in our year would be concentrating in keeping their pants in the “On” position for a good time to come.

Author notes

Once again ashamidly this is all true and only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 50 of 50

  • tshreyu
    August 27

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    Okay, so this was funny! Very realistic and actually made me laugh (which is extremely difficult) Really good writing, as well!

    But this was not what I was looking for. Although I enjoyed it, it doesn't fit the contest requirement. Anyway, this was an enjoyable read!


  • Foo13
    August 14

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    Was just checking outt my competition for this contest
    i loveed it, it was really funny (: can't wait to read more of your stories (:

  • tshreyu
    August 14
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    Read the rules!! And then tell me why you entered this story, or even thought I would accept? I have not read it, but I will if you convince me it fits the contest.


  • Atticus Unanimous
    March 3

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    Oh my god!!! Excellent! I am so glad/sorry you went through this!!! It's brilliant! And the way you present the story is wonderful too. You did an all around great job with this piece.


  • Patchwork Comedy
    January 22

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    OH MY GOD... that is sooo funny!! well, teh ending part anyway, teh first part wasn't especialyl funny (to me anyway, seeing how it's harder for me to read brittish english {no offense}), but the rest of it was freaking great, good job here man ^^


  • callthexylophone
    October 15, 2008
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    this story STILL makes me laugh hard enough to squirt liquids through my nose. "go on, my son!"


  • trekkergirl
    August 18, 2008

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    Very nicely written. And a good moral lesson as well. I found this is a good story that is well written and it kept my interest through out the entire read. And I could not find any grammer or spelling errors. I did like to read it though. Good job


  • DarkOneShadow
    April 19, 2008

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    hehe.

    Yep, this reminds me of the painfully embarrassing lesson of sex ed... nothing about the class was about the beauty of it all and it was very technical and showed alot of pictures of the anatomy, but nothing about the passion behind it, leaving us bewildered and quite confused.

    You portrayed this accurately and, with the "butch" teacher, did a fine job of telling us what it would possibly be like when Sex Ed is introduced to the modern politically correct teenager.

    Great job!

    DarkOne


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
    April 15, 2008

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    This is friggin mixed up and hilarious!! First th butch teacher ..*ahem*, and then the extremely funny sex-ed class.
    Yes, Its kinda stupid how some adults are real twitchy about sex-ed ..I reckon you don't have to do sex-ed anymore.
    Kids in Year Three now know what Gay, Lesbian and F*** mean.



    Good writing and good luck!

    Randy


  • Crying Angel Eyes
    April 14, 2008
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    Ha ha ha This was great!!!!


  • SympatheticMisery
    April 8, 2008

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    Um, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disqualify you. The contest is for a love confession, which your story has nothing to do with. Sorry, and good luck next time.


  • HopelesslyInLove
    March 29, 2008
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    You have a fantastic sense of humor, but this is not what I'm looking for. Sorry

    *KAT*


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    March 27, 2008
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    Ive read this before....if im not mistaken


  • Hermanator1 silver member
    March 20, 2008

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    Quite funny

    It was a very descriptive piece and the phrasing used to describe people; events and scenes was first rate. However, It does not define, as well as I had hoped, the series of Crappy days although suffering through a semester of Ms.Sherburne was trauma.
    Good write.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • callthexylophone
    March 4, 2008
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    Ahh, this was terribly amusing! "worringly masculine" is the best phrase I've heard all month, and I will be SURE to use it. And I almost wet my pants at "Go on, my son!" WHOOO! good luck and thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you for entering my contest! just polish up on your grammar a bit at the beginning, please.


  • summerayne
    February 24, 2008

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    Oh my God! That was hilarious! It reminded me of the time our loser gym teacher, mr. Zee, made us watch a sex-ed video. I turned around and he was watching the Fifa world cup on another tv. Doesn't sex ed make you want to shit yourself?


  • stardust3492
    February 22, 2008

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    This is an interesting story. It is very realistic and funny. thanks for entering and good luck!
    ~


  • DoozerDan silver member
    February 15, 2008

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    Hahaha, most amusing. Painted a very clear picture, to clear at some points :S But nevertheless, very good.

    Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck!


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    February 12, 2008

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    This was funny, in an uneasy kinda way. I can't believe they'd show that to you. This was descriptive, as much so as it should be. Good luck in the contest.


  • Elisabeth gold member
    February 2, 2008

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    This is absolutely a first class tale. It has to be true, no one could invent this! I never even got this series of lectures at my Grammar School.
    It's extremely well written and a huge laugh experience!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Brightest
    January 31, 2008

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    Lmao

    Nice write, this was well done and you did a great job with the word content. I could hardly keep from laughing througout the entire thing. It's probably one of the funniest I've read in a long while. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Until then though, Good Luck.

    -Ephemeral E

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • forevermyangel14
    January 18, 2008
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    LMFAO!! wow that's really messed up hahaha


  • Peachy
    January 18, 2008

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    Very funny! would you please put the option in the authors notes. That said, I like this story, it is very funny but I can't believe that they had such a detailed video for 12 year olds.
    Lol!


  • potaytee
    November 29, 2007
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    That was very funny!. Good work.


  • lovely nightmare
    September 20, 2007

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    This is a funny story, but it's not really written from the point of view of a setting is it? Its written from someone in the point of view of the class, ABOUT the setting (the class). This is a good story, but not right for my contest.


  • EmeraldDreams
    September 13, 2007

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    I had a big butch SE teacher too!!!! She was technically the PE teacher and drew, as you say, the short straw! lol She used to get caught with an English supply teacher in the store cupboard, and they both got fired. We had to actually put condoms on plastic penises (or is it penii????? lol) in our class. Think yourself lucky you got the Disney version!!!


  • elfflower1989
    September 5, 2007

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    Lol that's hilarious. I'm envious. Our sex ed class consisted of no videos at all and only biology class worthy images in our textbooks

    Good job ^^ *would have been in the hall much earlier than that*

  • cayuck
    August 6, 2007

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    Good times

    Superbly written. You've got a great grasp on the language and technical aspects. It was very easy to relate too as we've all had to sit through a class like that. A few drawbacks, if your maincharacter is a 12 year old student (which I assume was you) did they really have a vocabulary like this? Also the pace was a tad slow for my taste, but overall I enjoyed this piece.


  • LadyLionnir
    July 18, 2007
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    Um..okay, it was funny, a little...I'm just not someone who finds things like this hilarious, sorry. It was well-written, I have to say, but I got distracted because I don't usually read material such as this. You seem quite brave to write it, lol, good job. Good luck and thank you for entering the contest!


  • Drac
    June 5, 2007
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    Another Great One!

    Hehe, yet another great story, which is again true, hehe =D
    You write in a very good way, I really like the way it's worded, and above all... it's funny! =D
    I was laughing out loud when the self-abuse comment popped in, and it was alot more laughter from there on =)
    Very well done!
    Keep on writing! =)

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 5.


  • Athena of Starlite
    May 30, 2007

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    Funny

    This was a great story, and written pretty well. You go a little off topic but it's funny and you use great description. A common error you seem to make, however, is your lack or commas where they're needed for flow. For example, in the sentence "For these lectures dreary local businessmen were wheeled in to preach to us the values of working for them, as they were so, in their own words 'Great.'" there should be another comma after "words." It may seem like alot of commas, but it's nessesary. Otherwise, this was a great story that anyone can relate to. Great job!

  • JVCline04
    May 30, 2007

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    I love it. This was hilarious. First of the, the worryingly masculine female teacher? Dear god, I think I had her equally masculine sister back then. This was really an appropriately accurate read; I can remember a video we watched in my sixth grade biology class called 'The Miracle of Life' that is EXACTLY like the horrifying Aliens scene you described.

    All in all, I've got to say, the community needs more humor like this story. I loved it to death. You should keep up the humor stories, because I think I could learn to be a steady fan.

    Thanks for the read!


  • Rosemary silver member
    May 30, 2007
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    Good story

    You always make me laugh


  • TheMoodchangingPoet
    May 28, 2007

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    That was all true?! NO WAY!! Hahahaha! And you were all twelve years old! Hahahaha! That was something.

    I must a gree with someone's comment: it is an impressive use of vocabulary. You definitely managed to bring the images into our minds... And the way you described Ms. Sherburne, it was really good.

    To be frank with you, I didn't quite understand a lot of terms and words... because, I guess, English is not my first language... But still there was a smile on my face.

    I also loved the way you mentioned that half of the class were kicked out... "regardless of gender" that was funny.

    I imagine myself sitting in a classroom with boys and watching such movies... GOD FORBID!! I remember once, we were studying about the reproductive system in human beings in the 10th grade... That was something. Sometimes words would slip from the teacher and we could barely hold the laughter in. I remember one boy was talking and then the teacher suddenly gasped at him, although his question was not related to the subject, "Where are RBCs located?!" The boy looked at him with hesitation and said, "in the stomach?"
    "STOMACH?!" the teacher shouted, his voice pitching up. "More likely in your..."

    I can only imagine the embarrasement of the boy. hehehehe... But I can compair nothing to your story... that was just hilariously amazing...

    beginning: 5, language: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Miss Chell
    May 25, 2007

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    I'm very sorry that this took so long to comment, I've been uber busy but I've kept it in mind that as soon as I had time to kill, I would come and read it

    "some were utterly useless to all but the terminally stupid"

    This was my favorite line..because it's exactly how I feel about school..if not just health..

    I love the theme.."boys will be boys." Hoping to see some booby action and being too inapropriete to actually get to see it. Hah, half the class?!

    This was funny and very awesomely described. It was funny because while picturing my health class watching this, I had a hard time thinking the boys in the class would get kicked out, but the girls I think would.

  • Jayjayz16
    May 25, 2007

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    Very funny, good flow, nice descriptions but not enough to slow down the plot. Well done! I saw a few errors, both spelling and flow, but they were minor and I didnt really mind...nice job!!


  • LostShadow silver member
    May 23, 2007

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    This was very nicely written. Great flow and content.
    The descriptions were great.

    Overall i loved the Humor of it all.

    Great job and thanks for entering good luck.

    Em


  • CaPtAiN JaCk17
    May 23, 2007
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    Haha! This was wonderful. One of the best short stories I have read on this site, and in general for a long time. Many people, including myself can relate to a story like this, seeing how we've all been through Sex-Ed at some point in our lives, or some other form of it. I especially loved the way you described everything so fully. Nice Work!

  • Dinky Di
    May 23, 2007

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    haha! Thanks for the immages... I hope I don't get nightmares tonight LOL - hillarious.

    I don't remember having so sit through those kind of sex ed classes at my school (perhaps I blocked the memory out). I think the teachers were to afraid of a raucus such as this!

    You have a distinct style to your stories which it really refreshing. I was worried when I saw the title but it was worth the read!

    ~ Diane.








  • tabbykat92
    May 22, 2007
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    This was so funny because I know exactly what you are talking about. This story is a combination of my Living in a Contemporary World class and my Health class (except the wonderful video you mentioned we get to watch in my Health class). This was just too funny!


  • Blurith
    May 22, 2007

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    I like your dry sarcastic wit in this story, I can really get a sense of what type of person you are. I love that humor.

    You called Ms. Sherburne a bastard, but that's a term for a male. Maybe you wanted her to seem like some butch male, though, so that's up to you. I didn't have a problem with it, just something I noticed and laughed about

    I had trouble in your opening few lines, "There is on the whole, without any question of a doubt, no subject upon the school curriculum, which spread more amusement and playground comedy routines than 1st year S.E. class."

    That didn't flow right compared to most of your piece. The second ',which' threw me off. I think if you didn't have a comma and used
    'that' instead, it might fix it.

    ....no subject upon the school curriculum that spreads more amusement and playground comedy routines than 1st year S.E. class.

    That's my opinion though, I'm no grammar star.

    All in all, I enjoyed this a lot. I could really imagine this scenario, and your use of language was great


  • Siby Anan
    May 19, 2007

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    Excellent use of vocabulary, I must say! >.>

    Such an interesting story. May I ask, what inspired you to write this, or better yet, post this up?


  • claudia6662
    May 18, 2007

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    i thought it was really good, it takes you back to what it was like back at school, i found it witty and it was a shame it ended so soon.
    well done .

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • Mattisfaction
    May 18, 2007

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    That Hit The Spot!

    An almost flawless piece of writing, The shining pinnicle being the humour you've injected into it, which brings me right back to sex education in my school. Especially the "Go on, my son!". That really hit the spot!

    You could do with working on your grammar just a little bit more; sentence structures are a bit of weak point. There are commas where you don't need them and vice versa. Oh, and you spelt picnic wrong.

    Having said that the writing style was silky smooth and flowed nicely, and your final paragraph was perfect! Well done.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.

  • Ghost of Numf-El
    May 17, 2007

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    Very true to life.
    Ah, nostalgia - it's not what it used to be.

    It's probably exactly like that in every class throughout Britain. With the occassional child passing out. Is it any wonder with sex education like that that we're top of the teenage pregnancy league?

    Cheers,
    GoNE


  • demon-kun
    May 16, 2007
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    wow that was awsome


  • bedovich
    May 16, 2007
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    niceeeeeeeeee ine work you have done yayness for you

  • Kalamina
    May 16, 2007

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    I noticed a spelling mistake.

    "A real woman with no close on."

    I think you meant, "clothes."

    I thought this was a funny story without going into details that would have ruined the humor of it all.

    I really like your description of the characters, the dialogue is hilerious and your way of writing a story is so different that its really like a breath of different air when I read it.
    Great job!


  • Rosemary silver member
    May 16, 2007

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    Good story

    I had to burst out laughing when I read. "In all his ginger glory with a stiffy any Grand National winnner would have been proud of.

    I also liked "one sandwich short of a picnic."

    Fun story


  • jtnbuck
    May 16, 2007

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    wow i liked this alot good job it was writting very good cant wait to read more of your wonderful work great job with this again and god bless

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