Barney hated going to the doctors. He hated the way the waiting rooms smelled like disinfectant. He hated the impolite nurses and the insurance forms and the invasive procedures. There were many things that Barney disliked about his annual checkup, but of all his reasons, the very worst was that Dr. Schleiganhaussen was a vampire.
"The doctor will see you now," said the nurse, after taking his blood pressure and checking his pulse to see if he was still alive. Barney was.
"Are you sure?" asked Barney. "Because, you know, I wouldn't want to be a bother or anything. It's only a ruptured appendix, slowly leaking its poisons into my insides. I don't mind the pain."
The nurse smiled at him and Barney reflexively smiled back before realizing that the nurse had fangs and looked rather hungry. Her teeth, he noted, were much larger than his. Strangely enough, he felt embarrassed by this fact, in much the same way as how, while in the gym showers, he felt ashamed by how much bigger the other guys were than he was.
Quickly, Barney suppressed his smile and the nurse sauntered out, licking her lips in a most unprofessional manner.
Thankfully, there was always a long waiting time at Dr. Schleiganhaussen's office, so Barney pulled out his lunch that he'd packed, oh so carefully, that morning. He had just unwrapped his sandwich and unscrewed his thermos lid when the door opened. Barney winced. The doctor had arrived.
Dr. Schleiganhaussen looked the same as always. His hair was white and messy and his eyebrows were thick enough that, if they were replaced with wooly caterpillars during the night, no one would notice. His eyes were the most boring shade of brown on the planet and, weird as it was, Barney suspected that the doctor used nail clippers on his eyelashes: there was something strangely 'trimmed' about them that bugged Barney immensely.
"And how are...." Dr. Schleiganhaussen trailed off, staring down at Barney's lunch he'd spread out on the examination table.
"Um," said Barney, "is something wrong?"
"Why are you eating a garlic sandwich?" Dr. Schleiganhaussen asked.
"No reason. It just sounded good."
"And the fact that you're washing it down with...." Dr. Schleiganhaussen picked up the thermos and cautiously sniffed the contents. "....a cup of holy water?"
Barney stared down at his hands. "Well, I thought it would go well with the sandwich."
"What?" Dr. Schleiganhaussen yelled. "Regular water suddenly isn't good enough for you? You have to use holy water?"
"It sounded good! It's extra holy and it hydrates!" Barney protested.
"Hmpth," said Dr. Schleiganhaussen, crossing his arms irately. "I see what you're doing. A subtle form of intimidation, is it?" Then a gleam came to his eye and he leaned in, staring at Barney with a knowing look. "Or are you one of those people who thinks that, just because I'm a vampire, I got this job due to affirmative action?"
"No, no, of course not!" cried Barney. "I just don’t like the fact that you suck my blood after every examination!"
"I knew it," said Dr. Schleiganhaussen. "You're a racist."
Barney sputtered and tried to argue, but somewhere inside himself he began to realize that Dr. Schleiganhaussen was correct. He _was_ a racist. After all, wasn't he judging Dr. Schleiganhaussen based on _what_ he was, rather than _who_ he was?
Deeply ashamed of himself, he grabbed his sandwich and threw it in the biohazard wastebasket. After pouring the holy water down the drain of the sink, Barney turned to the doctor and looked down at the floor in guilt.
"You're right, Dr. Schleiganhaussen. I am a racist. I'm sorry. I was being prejudiced against you for drinking my blood, instead of judging you based on the quality of your character. Dr. Martin Luther King would be so ashamed of me."
Trying to blink away the tears, Barney felt a pat on his shoulder.
"That's okay, Barney. I forgive you."
"Thanks, Dr. Schleiganhaussen," Barney said. "You're one heck of a guy."
"Just call me Master and Overlord," Dr. Schleiganhaussen demurred. "Now, please pull down your pants and bend over so I can start your rectal exam."
"Hey, wait!" protested Barney. "I don't need one of those! My appendix burst this morning! That's why I made the appointment!"
"Excuse me? Who is the doctor and who is the patient here?" inquired Dr. Schleiganhaussen, lifting a hairy eyebrow. "Or do you think you know better than someone with a PhD, just because _you're_ not a vampire?"
Don't be racist, yelled Barney's conscience.
Sighing, he pulled down his pants and bent over.
"By the way," said Dr. Schleiganhaussen as he poked and prodded, "I'll need a pint of your blood before you leave here today. For, um, research purposes."
Barney _hated_ going to the doctors.
Author notes
I used the underscores because I have NEVER figured out how to do italics in my stories without a gold membership. Thus, the _underscores_ for emphasis.
Also, to my dear friend Ade: YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T WRITE! HAH! TAKE THAT, WORD NAZI! NAZI OF WORDS! HATER OF VAMPIRES AND PROCTOLOGISTS!
Hehehehe.
Please leave a review.
A contest entry
- Flash fiction! by Ade Conway.
170 points, ended May 30, 2007, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options.... XD by Shiny.
175 points, ended June 8, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Absolutely Anything! by Kitzwa.
350 points, ended June 22, 2007, 52 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SW Oscars - Best Humor Story - Invite Only! by Asfand.
125 points, ended September 10, 2007, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Laugh!!! by Lover of Stories.
700 points, ended December 7, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This was funny. ^.^ I liked the part where the doctor was like, "What? Regular water isn't good enough for you? You have to use holy water?" Very witty. I also liked how the vampire called him a racist. Hehe, poor Barney. I read this to my brother. He said he would have switched doctors. Thanks for entering my contest
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Haha, that was cute ^^
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haha i knew it... my doctor is a vampire lol this was funny as, loved reading it! thanks for entering and gud luk in da contest.
bee xox
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"I knew it," said Dr. Schleiganhaussen. "You're a racist." (excellent humorous line, here)
Now, I'm going to be honest. PLease don't be offended, but I didn't find this very funny (aside from chuckling at the line above). It's rather witty, but it just wasn't quite "there" for me. So sorry. Other people have enjoyed it, I'm sure. -
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Wow, thank you for giving me an actually honest review. So often I'll look back at one of my stories that's gotten really good reviews, only to realize that it's absolute crap with 20394820349 errors in it, but people were too nice to mention them.
Yeah, I have a pretty hard time writing 'funny' stories, since what's hilarious to me often draws blank looks from other people. But at least it's considered witty! *grins*
Again, thanks for the honesty.
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You just made me crack up sooo bad! This was wonderfully hilarious! I just can't think of any other way to put it. Fantastic work! Really!
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Oh, I love it. It teaches a lesson in a humorous. I love the ending. Great job!
*Frozen Angel* -
This. Is Funny. I would have never thought of it myself and I'm glad cos your's would have been so much better
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Wow that was funny. I especially loved this paragraph:
"The nurse smiled at him and Barney reflexively smiled back before realizing that the nurse had fangs and looked rather hungry. Her teeth, he noted, were much larger than his. Strangely enough, he felt embarrassed by this fact, in much the same way as how, while in the gym showers, he felt ashamed by how much bigger the other guys were than he was."
Thanks for the read. Your a finalist in my contest. -
Your bizarre this was funny, this was random hhahaha lmao it was good.
Thanks for entering and good luck
Lady Madeline.
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I loved it! LMAO
This is pretty darn entertaining, I have to say! hahahahaha! I never could have conjeured it up myself, that's fer sure. You really have a great, (and humorous) imagination! heh. One of my favorite lines was: "his eyebrows were thick enough that, if they were replaced with wooly caterpillars during the night, no one would notice." OMG..what a riot! lol. Perhaps it's so funny to me because I've actually KNOWN old men like that!! hah!
Everything was very creative though, and I love how refreshingly DIFFERENT it was. It really was a fun read! :0)
(Though, if I was old Barney there, I'd find myself a new doc!) lol.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Lol....lol...ROFLOL
OMG, I loved it! Who would have thought to drink Holy water? Because it hydrates! Great work, very amusing. -
This was so funny.I hated doctors but i love vampires.....Now I am confused...Whateva.This was really great ,you did awesome!!!
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I laughed my freaking butt off. hialrious,. three thumbs up, even though I only have two!
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Haha. It was well paced and very funny. It ended a bit abruptly, but the ending made me smile.
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Excellent.
I don't know if this is meant to have greater social commentary, but either way I found it both very funny and very well written. Especially Barney's fears. On a side note, I think I'm going to start doing the underscore thing too. If enough people do it, maybe SW will finally give nongold members italics -_-
Good luck!
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You are messed up, girl!
This was funny and bizarre. HAHAHA
I loved it! -
Only YOU could get away with disobeying my supreme omnipotence, BUT if you were a REAL rebel, u wud haev riten fnafic wiht al sortss fo splelin errrorrrs an grammer issus. liek mee an vampyr iz drikning mi blud 2gzr. 10 points from Gryffindor... or in your case, Slytherin! Go write some slash, you almost-rebel! Hehehe. Oh, did I tell you my new microwave's name is Sirius Black?
Anyway, about the story. I found it very amusing (I know, I overuse that word) and INTERESTING. Ha! I loved it. Except you also forgot, in your rebelliousness, to describe the proctology exam and afterbite in graphic detail. Although the ruptured appendix did bring back unpleasant memories of my own appendectomy and following infection (though I'm glad they took the thing out before it could rupture, even though they didn't let me keep it). Hooray!
EXLAX!
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