Chpt 2
2- Tragedy Strikes
One night on thier way home from a party, whilst on a highway a drunk driver hit Sara's car. Her mother died instantly. The driver of the other car fled as fast as he could. The ambulance got there only a minutes after the accident. Sara and Henry were rushed to the nearest hospital. Henry survived with major brain truama, he had only a few weeks to live. Sara who was sitting in the back seat was not hurt seriously. She was in a state of shock and in pain as she had broken her left leg, and cut herself a few times.
Sara and Henry spent the next 2 weeks in the hospital. In their time there they grew close at heart. Sara did not want to loose yet another family member. If Henry left her than she would have no oneto take care of her. Sara did not want Henry to leave her here alone and in pain. Sara had nothing more to live for now, she couldn't do ballet, and had no one who would take care of her. She asked god everynight to take her to heaven with the rest of her family, she believed that she belonged in heaven with the rest of them. Henry told Sara,"everyone has a purpose in life, all she needed was to find hers.
A few days later one night Henry passed away. Sara was even more devastated she sat by her brother's breatless body she cried and grieved the death of family for the days that went by. Sometimes she felt so lonely that she wanted to kill herlsef. At 10yrs old Sara lost everything that she had made in the last few years. Sara did not only have a broken family, and broken leg, but she also had a broken dream, she knew that she had dissapointed Kali. Sara wanted so badly to have her mother and brother back, she wanted her life back.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Hmm there was sum sentencing problems here were the sentence ends in another paragraph.
The car accident happened a little quickly aswell. More detail could have been given there.
And on the brothers death. How she reacted, plus you needed to say how she managed to stay at the hospital for that amount of time and why it took so long for the father rto be informed and come get her.
The sentencing was alot better here and the wording all flowed alot better.
Lady Madeline.

