moods

im in another one

where i feellike compleat shit

I cant sleep

im not tired.. not at all... Hmm i'll get yelled at for this tomorrow.. i dont care anymore though why should i? Its my body, if im not tired then im not going to sleep no matter how hard i try... hmm i put in Phanotm early its still on.. I love this movie..no one knows this.... its a secret... why im about to write it in here, i dont know.. but... sometimes.. sometimes when i close my eyes i can feel someones arms around me, whispering songs in my ears, loving me gently caressing me... or telling me that this is true love, that nothing, not even death can stop it... and sometimes sometime sits some one telling me that my fairytale ending will begin soon, that i will finally be truly happy.... yeha right.. honestly i dont know what my problem is.. i hate it, i dont have a problem.. not to myself i dont.. the way i see myself.. do you really want to know? of cours enot, no one truly cares... do you know why they dont care? becasue its me.. im just annoying, self cetered worthless brat with nothing better to do than bitch a moan about a good life, granted i know its not perfect but look at some of my friends... so i have self esteem issues.. thats about it.. thats all it ever is.. its nothing more.. and i know where they come from.. but thats not the point, i know i have them and thats all it is, there is no MPD there is no need for a psychologisy, or a psychiatirst.. not for me anyways.. nope, just normal self esteem issues.... anyways.. hmmmm its late.. and im still not sleepy.. Masqurade is on now.. and im still in one of my moods.. i hate these moods.. they make me want to cry.. actually i am crying.. i started crying cause of my dad.. ive been thinking of him alot lately.. i dont know why.. i just have.. i hate that ass.. i really do, he dosent care about me, if he did i would have heard from him. WHY THE HELL SHOULD I HAVE TO CONTACT HIM? if he really cared he would talk to aunt marlyn, figure out where i am.. but no, here i am, fatherless with a mother who i think loves me... not thats shes told me anytime latly, a stepfather who isnt hom efor two weeks out of the month and when he is home he sits in front of the tv, a step sister who i think hates me for being me and friends who i just dont know anymore, im trying i really am, im doing my best to be everything they need but still im fucking up, one of them i make feel bad without meaning to, the other one im annoying without knowing it, another thinks i dont care about her any more and then another pretty much hates me i think.. i just dont know what to do anymore.. i just wnat this to stop.. all of it.. me screwing up, me over reating to everything, me trying to bring attention to myself.. i hate it, i hate attention, i dont know why i do it.. i really hate attenion, im much better suited in the shadows.. hmm shadows.. i love the nighttime.. i wish i could be outside right now.. i love the darkness.. maybe thats why i love the Phantom so much, he is the essence of darkness... thats what i want... to hide in the darkness only to come out when i am needed.. why bother people with my stupid petty problems.. Honestly i just dont know.. how many times have i said that now?... midnight.. i miss 11:11... oh well I guess im going to go now.. theres not much else i can write.. dont know if i'll fall asleep anytime soon but oh well...