Heal

Every time we fought, he would tell me “I’m just so scared to lose you.” I wish he would have thought back to those words, listened to what he was saying. I wish he would have noticed how he contradicted himself, and stabbed me in the heart. Maybe he would have realized all his worrying pushed me away.1

~~2

“Who’s Edward?” Nathan put the car in park, his headlights clicking off in the silent darkness of night. We had just finished dinner, our conversation tight-lipped the entire meal. 3

“He’s a friend, why do you want to know?” I replied, my voice quivering, expecting the harsh words that would soon escape his mouth. 4

“Why the hell do you think I want to know?” His words were angry, forceful. It frightened me as I watched his hands grip his van’s steering wheel. I had never seen him this angry, never so frustrated. 5

“If this is about his crush on me, you can stop right there, Nate! Nothing happened between us, besides the fact that he liked me!” I knew he wanted to accuse me of cheating. What I didn’t know, was how he found out about Edward. 6

Edward and I shared a gym class. We spent our class together, and he had admitted on several occasions that he liked me. Edward knew that I was dating someone, though he didn’t know who. 7

What puzzled me was how he knew Edward. I went to a different school than Nate, and there was no way that the two could have met, much less discuss their feelings about me. 8

“I know you two have hugged! It’s a little too close for comfort, Lily...” It was then that Nathan’s eyes began to well up, his fear suffocating his anger. I couldn’t look in his eyes, for fear that I would feel guilt. I hadn’t done anything wrong, why should I be put through this?9

“We haven’t hugged!” I said back, blatantly lying to him. I felt bad for that, but I couldn’t take it back.10

“That’s not what James said!” James was another guy in my gym class. I never talked to him much, but I knew he was there, and I knew he was friend with Nate. It was then that I realized...11

“You’re having James spy on me, aren’t you?” Now I was the angry one, leaning forward, my right hand resting on the maroon dashboard.12

Nathan looked down, his cheeks beginning to burn with a hint of red. “I’m sorry... but I’m just so scared of losing you. You’re everything right now, Lily. I can’t lose you.” He started crying, and I started to bawl too. 13

The tears came slowly at first, and we fell into each other’s arms. He grabbed at my shirt, as if he were never going to let go. I could feel his hot tears beginning to soak my shirt, his hair brushing my forehead. 14

I didn’t say anything as he sobbed into my shoulder, but my mind was whirling. I thought at that moment about how much I loved him, about how much I hated him. I thought of the past six months we had spent together, the tears we had both shared along the way. He had been there when my father died, I was with him when his sister was born. We had both shared our moments, our bonding points. 15

I didn’t want to admit that I was falling out of love with him. I didn’t want to face up to the challenge that lied before us. I sobbed for him, because I knew that he was slowly breaking my heart. Every time we argued, a little piece of us broke off. There were hundreds of pieces floating in our universe, with only a little bit left to break.16

~~17

Slowly, we began to fight every time we saw each other. We’d argue over the phone, each time his excuse being “I can’t lose you!” I always replied with the same, tired answer, “You’re not! I don’t love you any less, and nothing is going to change that.”18

When I got to feeling that I should end it, I would think back to when we first dated. We would spend hours on the phone, me staying up until 3 AM just to talk to him, and getting up at 6 the next morning for school. I learned who he was in those talks, who he was destined to be. 19

When I first visited his house, I felt his baby sister kick in the womb. I was awe-struck at the miracle of new life, and he just smiled as I listened to his stepmother’s stomach. We watched a little bit of TV, and then he recommended we take a walk.20

There was a small creek that ran about two blocks from his house. It was a little bit of a hike, but the sight was gorgeous. So we made the trek, and crawled under a humongous Willow Tree, the soft Autumn breeze flowing through the cool air. I felt content, just feeling his warmth next to me. 21

He kissed me, his lips soft, and welcoming. It was the most romantic thing I had ever experienced, his hand running through my hair as we lied down on the soft earth. I never wanted to leave. 22

~~23

It was May, and the autumn breeze had turned into a warm, spring draft. The sun glistened on the creek as we leaned against the willow’s trunk. Nathan’s hand rested on my leg, and my mind rested on him. 24

As I began to talk, I explained to him how everything had changed. How our minor hurts had grown, our little spats weren’t so little anymore. 25

“I need to heal. Heal my heart, heal my soul, and heal the part of me that’s still attached to you. I’m hurting, Nathan, and I need you to let me heal.”26

He slowly nodded, his eyes the saddest I had ever seen them. He reached out for me, his arms enveloping me in a hug. We fell backwards onto the grass, the tears beginning to seep from both of our eyes. It hurt to say this to him, almost more than it would hurt to hear. 27

I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, entwined in each other’s arms, the grass reaching high over our heads as we lay. I never wanted that moment to end, because I knew that when I left his house that day... I would never return to it. 28

~~29

I never saw him after that. He stopped calling, he stopped visiting my house, he stopped all contact. I even tried calling him, but his dad said he was gone. I’m not sure where ‘gone’ is, but I know it wasn’t where I was. 30

I know he was hurting that day, and I know he needed to heal. But in the end it was me who hurt the most, and will never, fully be healed. There’s a part of my heart that will forever belong to Nathan, and the shattered pieces will never be the same. 31