First Awakening

I left school sometime around February of my freshman year. I took a medical leave of absence. I moved back home to live with my parents. Sort out my self. Face down my demons. And begin to heal.

I still traveled back and forth between my parents house and school to visit my friends. My real friends. Oddly enough, most of them were boys. And of course, the girl. We actually became, over time, very good friends. This mysterious girl and myself.

I don't remember how it came up, or even when it came up, but at some point she revealed to me that she was bisexual.

This was fascinating to me.

I am from a tiny little rural red-neck town in the middle of upstate New York. A part of the state I like to refer to as "The Little South". It's like Little Italy, but with more hay, less diversity, more bigotry, and less pasta. There weren't really lesbians, gay boys, or bisexuals in my home town. At least not that anyone was willing to admit.

I had never really thought about any sexuality other than heterosexuality as a possibility before. All the sudden I had found my closest ally in a bisexual girl. She was more real to me than anyone I had met before.

It was, for me, like a light bulb going off in my head. Being exposed to possibilities other than heterosexuality. It rippled down my back, as the though first occurred to me.

I could be bisexual, or even gay.

Now, it's not that the thought had never crossed my mind in high school. I mean my entire senior year of high school everyone though I was dating my best friend. The entire county thought I was a lesbian. To say I never questioned whether they were right, would be a lie.

But, the truth was, my best friend in high school and I were just friends. Very romantic friends, but just friends none the less. It just did not see a possibility a choice. People from upstate New York just weren't gay.

I could be bisexual, or even gay.

When this thought passed my mind my freshman year of college, it was in a way a new thought. It was the first time it was truly a possibility to me.

And the light bulb just lit up. A ripple effect of things, events, feelings from the last 18 years of my life suddenly falling into place. Suddenly making sense.

I was attracted to women.

A realization I think many women fear, and even fight. For me it was a relief. I liked women. "Thank god," I thought, "All this time I thought I was just crazy!"

That's really what it felt like for me. For some reason I didn't care that there would be people in my life that would begin to ignore me. People who would cut off all ties with me. People who would be judging me. People who would hate me. All because of who I loved.

None of those things seemed to bother me. So much of my life now made sense. How could I not be happy with that?