Five Lives (working title) 3: Sam

Sam, May 5th

I think my bad mood started in the car on the way there. Ben and I were squabbling again, this time about how long we had taken to get out of the house, and whose fault it was. I don't know why we bother arguing about this stuff. The fact is, we were late because we had both got out of bed late, and we were both frustrated because we were late, but instead of accepting that and getting on with it like two adults, we were using our frustration to pick holes in each other. We seem to be doing a lot of that lately.

“I don't know why this is my fault. I was standing by the door ready for about five minutes while you fiddled about finding your shoes.”

“Yes, but that was already 20 minutes after we said we'd leave! I had given up waiting for you and gone off to get another job done!”

It's pretty much the same argument that we always have when we're trying to get somewhere by a certain time in the morning. In fact, I think I can remember having a version of it on the first morning of our honeymoon.

“If you had packed the case last night, we wouldn't have had to do anything at all this morning.”

Maybe we should just record ourselves having this fight and keep the tape to play in the car. That would mean we wouldn't have to bother making it up from scratch every time. We could just get it over and done with, and enjoy the rest of the journey.

Sure enough, once we'd reached the logical conclusion of me crying, him apologising and us both promising that it will never happen again (as if!), the conversation changed to Chess's big announcement, but it was too late. I was already in the snappy, defensive mood that dogged me for the rest of the day.

“They're still so young”, was Ben's first comment.

“We weren't exactly ancient”, I pointed out. In fact, I'm only four years older than Chess, and I was married almost two years ago.

“I know, but it's my little sister. In my head, she's still about twelve”, replied Ben, shaking his head. “It's so weird.”

I wondered what it would be like to have a little sister or brother, let alone have one get married. I'd probably think it was weird too. But I've always hated being an only child, and I'm quite excited to have been given two ready-made sisters-in-law. I just wish I knew them both a bit better. I mean, I have made efforts with Ben's family and I love them all to bits, but they're such a close family unit that it's actually difficult to feel included. That's why, that morning, I had made the decision to take Francesca aside and offer her my advice and support as someone who has just been through the wedding wringer myself; in my new bad mood, though, I wasn't sure that I'd be able to offer much good marital advice.

Either way, once we were actually in the presence of my family-in-law, it was obvious that there wasn't going to be a 'taking aside' moment to be had. Lyn, who had been pushy enough back when she was the groom's mother, is in her element now that she is finally getting to be Mother of the Bride. It's obvious that she has been planning for this moment since Chess was first placed in her arms and they told her 'it's a girl'. She had brought with her a car full of wedding magazine, a wedding planner book and a separate budget book, and I could see Chess avoiding a grimace as she handed them over.

“Thanks, Mum”, the poor girl said, “but all we're deciding today is the date, really.”

Lyn looked stricken. “I just thought you'd like to look, that's all – and you'll be needing the budget book from the very beginning.”

“Slow down, Mum” said Chrissie from her corner, where she had been sitting glowering with her arms folded ever since they had arrived. She looked the way I felt. If only I wasn't a sensible, married, grown woman, I'd have been giving everyone black looks from a corner too. Instead, I was huddled behind my coffee, pretending to take a concentrated interest in a copy of “Your Wedding”, but I couldn't help agreeing with Chrissie as she carried on: “It's like you can't wait to get her married and off your hands.”

I've seen this dynamic between the two sisters before, mainly during the preparation for my own wedding when I had them both as bridesmaids. Normally, Chrissie seems to have a constant war declared between her and her big sister, and finds every opportunity to snipe at her: but if ever anyone offends Chess, Chrissie calls an instant ceasefire and steps in on her sister's side with all guns blazing. It must be completely subconscious, but it's very sweet to see how fiercely defensive Chrissie is of Chess if you just scratch the surface of all that sibling rivalry. Seeing it made me wish once again that I had a sister – or that I was closer to these two. Asking them to be my bridesmaids was a gesture that was supposed to communicate that wish, but it didn't turn out so well. Chrissie, for one, was probably the most reluctant, grumpiest and rudest bridesmaid it's possible to have.

Eventually, we all sat round the table with a pot of fresh coffee to plan the date. A girl called Pippa appeared and was introduced by Chess as 'my maid of honour', making me wonder whether Chess hadn't been jumping even further ahead than her mother in making plans. Still, it's very sweet that Chess wanted all these people in her wedding so much that she was going to let them help her decide the date.

It was a kind gesture, but it was seriously misguided. Chess wanted a winter wedding, in December. Lyn was worried that it would clash with her enormous family Christmas, and Pippa argued that it should be in the summer after exams “like all sensible people”. Chess and David insisted that they didn't want to wait that long, so Lyn tried to persuade them that planning a wedding takes at least a year, while Chrissie asked acerbically why they didn't elope to Las Vegas and save everyone the stress.

I silently thanked God that Ben and I had booked the church before even mentioning our chosen date to anyone, but I was feeling really angry again. Who did Lyn think she was, taking advantage of her daughter's kind heart like this? Let them have it when they want it, for pity's sake! Why should Chess lose her wedding dream just because she was sweet enough to try to please everyone?

Eventually, a compromise was reached and a date was chosen in next year's Easter holidays for a spring wedding. Even then, Lyn was fussing again, this time about the weather.

“Well, God has a year's advance notice to rearrange any April showers he had planned for that weekend”, said David firmly, finally standing up to his formidable future mother-in-law. Chess looked relieved. David is evidently the quiet type – this was pretty much the first full sentence he had managed to say, and he looked more than a little overwhelmed.

Staring into the bottom of my coffee cup, I just felt guilty that I hadn't stepped in at some point and helped Chess out with the benefit of hindsight. And now that I've got over my grumpy mood, I'm even angrier with myself. If I want a relationship with this girl, and if I genuinely think that I might have some half way decent advice to offer, why on earth don't I speak up? Perhaps I'll phone her later in the week. Yes, that's what I'll do.