“LENAYE!” A bellow woke me up from my sleep. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I blinked twice. Recognizing the form in front of me, I grinned sheepishly and mumbled.Of course it was my step-mother; she caught me doing the things I shouldn’t do. For instance, falling asleep in church which happened to be my latest crime.1
“Damn seats,” I winced while turning around, “you know I should complain how hard these pews are.” 2
My step-mom gave me that glare that was like, don’t-you-dare-make-me-look-bad-in-front-of-everyone kind of face. I just laughed, that’s how I dealt with this kind of pressure, laughed it off. 3
I tried, I really did try to stay awake in church. But, waking me up, a seventeen year old girl who was in love with her pillow, for church at seven a.m. wasn’t right. Just like having hard pews. 4
Absently twirling a lock of my hair black around my finger I grimaced as the preacher-dude preached, about the resurrection. At the end everyone stood up and clapped. I sat down, refusing to move and grumbled. 5
“Lenaye, I mean it, if you doze of while we are in church I will take this up with your father.” We both knew she would never do that, I am my daddy’s little girl, the artist and writer that will one day surpass her “old man” and write stories that will capture the world’s attention. Or that’s how my dad and siblings say it. 6
Halleluiah, church.is.done! I, being the drama queen, sprinted out of the glass door, earning disapproving glances from all of the people, and burst into the sun shine. 7
Raising my face up to the warm sun I grinned, now all that was to make my day was to get that spiral back and finish writing. No she wouldn’t let me. If you guessed who that she was and guesses my step-mom you are right! Ding ding ding, we have a winner. Let me tell you something, my step-mother despises authors and will not stand her “daughter” write stories when she can be doing something else. 8
Right, her “else” means join all of the prep clubs, dances, models-walking-down-the-isleythingies, and stuff like that. Let me picture me for you in my everyday clothes, long black hair always down, when its warm tank tops and in winter sweaters and sweatshirts, jeans or running shorts. Now try imagining this, pink frilly gown, a ton of makeup and of course as everyone at my school says “a woman’s best accessory besides diamonds’ is the purse.” Doesn’t work. 9
“Brinnnngg, brinnnnnggggg.” My cell phone. Instantly picking it up I cradled it in my ear after checking the caller id.10
“Kathine, so what’s the scoop?” Kathine, soon to be newsreporter always, I mean ALWAYS calls me when she has found an interesting story and needs me to write it. But this time it was different.11
“Ohmigosh! Len you won’t believe what just happened to me like…three seconds ago.” 12
“And you know the gas station that I ALWAYS go to after seeing that totally hot guy, Rick?” I hmmed to show that I am still listening, “And I just ran into him!” Her breath got all high-pitchy and squeaks, number one sign that she was in “love.” Right love. I knew love existed but I wouldn’t believe it could happen to me after it did. And reading so many stories I knew I was setting my self up to fail. But it was a challenge I couldn’t back down from. I zoned out from her babbling but caught the last sentenced.13
“…and you should TOTALLY come with me and him for our date at the Cantan Bar!” Whoah, slow down there, a BAR?14
“Kathine, did you just say you are going to meet a guy you have HARDLY talked to at a bar with people making out and drinking at night.” A silence, she was pondering what she should say, her of all people knew how I went, strictly no drinking, smoking, making out, and most definitely do not go out with men who are almost five grades older than you. Add five to seventeen and there is how old our “buddy” Rick is. Twenty-two, he is perfectly legal to drink but is Kathine, no. 15
To be continued...
Author notes
Thank you everyone who helped me with my grammar and spelling! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and continue to read my stories.
- The Awesomely Awesome Group For Hypera group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Please give me first chapters!!!! by silent dances.
201 points, ended January 23, 2008, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
How are my character? Any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes?
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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it was good but incredibly short. could use the tiniest bit of detail but other then that it wasn't too bad.
chey-bear -
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Thanks! This is a little old and I haven't edited this in ages. I'll add some more detail later! Thanks for commenting!
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"a seventeen year old girl who was in love with her pillow, for church at seven a.m. wasn’t right." that's me right there... except instead of church and seven in the morning is school and five in the morning.
I liked it! good job!!!! ^_^
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Thank you!
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I enjoyed reading this I love how you write the way Lenaye reacts to everything in it was so entertaining! Esp love her thoughts on things like the step mom & church I remember that feeling before lol Keep up the great writing!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you!
(sorry for replying so late)
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I really liked this alot It was fun to read, and Sucked me in. Good luck in the contest.
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Thank you!
(Sorry for the late reply)
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This is really good. They're some typos but not so much that you can't understand what your saying. I think it's kind of weird that the step-mother hates authors but it's cool. IT goes with the story at least. The step-mother is pretty unfair. She should let her step-daughter be who she wants and do what she wants. My favorite character is the main one. She's pretty cool. I also hate heavy make up and pink frilly dresses. My mom used to make me wear one to church when i was younger. uck! btw the-isleythingies are called runways. =] keep writing. I'll try to read the next chapters when i get the time. =]
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Thank you!
Thank you! I'll go back and edit it in a moment!
I always thought the step-mothers should be mean, because of Cinderella, and I decided that it would work in this story!
Thank you for you comment!
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i have commented on this before, but i will do so again as the second time through it seemed even better! this is a *for want of a better word* NICE, feel good story that captures attention from the beginning. It is easy to empathise with Lenaye, your main character and i, for one, know exacly how she feels. i can totally relate to her opinions on church and i believe those hard pews should be replaced with recliners.... ahhhhh..... The way Lenaye reacts and responds to he events in the story is well thought out and seems very authentic and typical for someone in her age and of her mind set. Good job! Thanks for entering my contest!!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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My Verdict
There are some mistakes with stuff like grammar and punctuation, but overall, I think the story is good. I'm interested in reading more of it. And Lenaye is an awesome name. I've never heard of it before, but I love it! XD The name Kathine is kewlio, too. So far, my favorite character is Lenaye. She is the main character, after all. ^.^ I think Kathine's kind of weird, but then again, I've only known her for five paragraphs, which is definitely not enough to judge a character with. Right, Lana? *glares at Lana, who may have done something like that before (hint hint)* Anyways, keep writing! ^.^
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Good read
Good read
While this still needs a bit of proof reading and editing, not too much or it will loose some of its flavor.
This strikes that mysterious and appealing note that makes the reader smile while recognizing that it may not be grammatically correct.
Hang in there, you can hold the audience’s attention.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thank you very much!
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Hm, sounds like every day life to me. Even the typos, haha, show the imperfections of humanity. *smiles* Nice.
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Thank you! I'm searching for typos so if you found any, please tell me!
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hey... this is not bad... I liked the way you described your character... you made her lively and cute. I think the editing should have helped a lot. But well, that was a good job done here. So, keep it up!
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Thank you!
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Cute, the sarcasm is well placed. Lenaye is a developed character.
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i love your main character! she is so happy and bubbly! This was an entertaining read! well done!
plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you
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The story is difficult to read with the font color you've chosen. I had to remove it to read it.
are the * * marks for thoughts?
Recognizing the form in front of me
comma after me There are a few punctuation problems such as this and others.
“Damn seats,” I winched while turning around, “you know I should complain how hard these pews are.”
It should actually be a fullstop after seats since it's followed by action not speech, such as "I said." You also need a fullstop after around.
I think you meant "winced" not "winched"
My step-mom...
The focus changes from the main character to another so it would need to start a new paragraph
I tried, I really did ...
This is incomplete with what you're trying to say I think adding "try" after did would fix that. Also that same sentence is a run on. You may consider rewording it.
At the end everyone stood up and clapped, I sat down, refusing to move and grumbled.
This is actually 2 sentences. You should have a fullstop after clapped, not a comma
Watch putting too many ideas in one paragraph. This throws off the flow and makes it feel rushed.
Watch using caps, it makes people feel like they're being yelled at. If you're not able to use italics, I suggest single quotes.
I like the idea and think it should definitely be expanded on. I like the way it flows. I think you could expand on the characters. Great piece. Keep it up!
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Thank you for the help! I hoped I edited correctly.
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Thanks, I got bored of the third person stories and decided to put my own ideas in this
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Hahaha!
I love the sarcasm in this, it makes it totally realistic. 22 huh? What's he look like? Haha, jkjk.
Are you sure this didn't really happen, just...not when you're 17? It totally sounds like you...(Yes, I know you meant to do that but still!) It's hilarious!
I could just picture you trying to be a model "walking-down-the-isleythingies" It mae me laugh sooo hard...
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