A Noose for the Soul

“I never thought she would settle at all, much less with a man who has nothing in common with her.” I said to my mother. “She has always been a free spirit.”1

“ Well people change honey. And you should be happy for her, she is starting a new life and you know that child needed a man! She was just to wild, out in the streets paying no never mind to her family or herself. She needs to settle down, have a family.”2

“I’ve never seen her as the family type. I was always so envious of her, the way she lived…”3

“There ain’t nothin’ to be envious of Laila. You have a wonderful family. A nice home great job, wonderful husband! That is something to be proud of.”4

“Yes I know mama. But I have to go now, Derrick needs me. I love you”.5

Truth be told, Derrick didn’t need me. I just needed a moment to think. How could Lily be getting married? She always used to say that marriage was like a noose for the soul. I remember her trying to persuade me not to marry Derrick. She said “imagine your whole life with one man! How boring that would be! You can never know what else is out there. There could be greatness and adventure, and you would never know.” She said that about many things. That’s how it always was with us, even growing up; I was practical and level headed, Lily was a free spirit, spontaneous and impetuous. How could she have changed?6

I remember one summer, almost ten years ago now, we were seventeen. Back then I was worried about college. She was worried about boys. There was this one guy, Darcy, with whom she was obsessed. He was like her in so many ways; they were both vegetarians, avid recyclers/earth savers, made their own clothes and still maintained a 3.0 GPA. Lily had the pick of any guy at school. But she didn’t pick, she took them all. She was always safe about it, but her reputation was legendary, and really, how many times can you do it before it stops being safe? Anyhow, Lily wanted this guy. And so she had him, and swore after him, she could never love again. He broke her heart. From then on she never got attached to anyone. She just had fun. She did everything I always wanted to do, and more. But that’s the way it was- I was always too scared, and she never feared.7

A part of me still yearns to be Lily, or the old Lily, if even for a moment. I love my family, I have a great life, but I’m bored. I want the adventure I never had! I want to taste that freedom; from self consciousness to physical freedom and find who I could have been. But I guess I’ll never know. And I can’t live out my fantasies through her any longer. I have to be happy that her wings are clipped, and her spirit caged. I have to watch her noose her own neck.8

“Aren’t you happy for me Lay? I finally found someone and I’m ‘evolving’.”9

I replied “Yea that’s great Lil. Really great. As long as you’re happy, so am I”.10

“You’re not. You’re not. What’s wrong?”11

“Look, I want to be happy for you, but the truth is, I wanted to be everything you were. And I lived the life you did through you. Now I can’t and I’m afraid that you are going to change. How can you settle! How can you let yourself become everything you’ve never condoned? How can you Lily, when you have had all of that freedom…”12

“Laila, even freedom has its limitations. We both knew I could live like that forever, I had to grow up. Besides, there is another reason why I’m throwing in the towel.”13

“What’s that?”14

“I’m pregnant.”15

“NO! Seriously! That’s amazing! Lily!… It’s his huh? Do you at least love him?”16

“I do, very much. It is refreshing. And I need you to be happy for me, so I can be happy for myself.”17

“I will do my best”18