So how in the hell am I going to get self-esteem if I keep feeling sorry for myself and running away all the time? Moreover, how am I supposed to live with constant worry and a bad little habit of living in the past? Let’s see…2
Well…first of all I need to stop blaming myself for everything and then whining about it. Shit happens. Let it go. (shit happens, deal with it, or die with it)3
Second of all, I’m stuck living in the past. It’s a bad habit…anyway, the ways to solve this…well, what’s bothering me about the past? It’s not so much a bother as it is that like, I feel unloved and I was loved in the past. I listen to love/breakup songs (Matchbook Romance, Finch, Ataris, VH, Sugarcult…etc…) and fantasize, more or less, think about, picture, visualize my exes cause I don’t have a crush. Well…Francis, but I love him as a brother that I just happened to be married to. But, yea, I also hold false hopes and I need to stop that. I need Jason’s help…or at least my own “on-off” button to operate my mind.4
Next issue…I run away from people who care about me…fear of being hurt. And as of now, fear of humiliation (which is pointless, considering that like the worst anyone can do to me is slit my throat and it’s unlikely that if I profess my feelings the will pull out a knife and well, murder me) and like…I don’t like my ideals compromised…which bring me to the next order of business….5
I have a constant fear that I don’t have convictions. This is because I am a currently uninspired poet. I have my own wisdom but I’ve been uninspired for awhile, or shall we say, my inspirations have changed. They don’t come all the time now, I’m either A blocked or B out of my teenaged-prime-poetry-years. Maybe later in life, or as I am hoping (and expecting) I will be re-inspired whence I feel God again at Jumonville.6
Another thing that bugs me is that I am afraid I’m like those stupid self-pitying-I-cry-and-pretend-to-be-suicidal-for-your-fucking-attention chicks. Or even worse, my mom. But like, I sounded like one of those stupid S-P-I-C-A-P-T-B-S-T-G-A chicks (8th and 7th graders) when talking to Jason tonight, I think…I hope not, but that’s what my mom and dad are. Sept my dad is a man…I hope… 7
Then like, I can’t take care of myself, if I’m left alone for too long, I lose hope and think about suicide, but let it be known, that I am a strong person in my heart, and I wouldn’t ever give up. I have confidence, it’s just like I say in my Recipe For The Delightful Life poem, some days you burn, other day’s you fly.”” Soo true, But I know that I will be loved and that God loves me, I am just going through an identity crisis/ you know..depression…I guess…but I always seem to end up fine no matter what.8
I also worry that I’m like…that people…my friends…don’t know I’m strong. They think I’m weak and sad and self centered and boring and annoying…and that worries me to death. Did I mention that I constantly worry already? Well, I do. I have a heart that I believe in. And I know that I will always have hope, there is always hope. Always. I’m sorry for being stupid. Blah.9
Anyway, I think all the time, which I have concluded that it is just worrying.. I just need time to figure things out on my own… and quite frankly I think I am bipolar, but I am going to fix it on my own, well, more or less, I am going to cope with it. It’s a permanent condition and I’m not giving up and going on anti’s. If I am going to be happy, by God, it’s going to be in my heart, not in my brain chemicals. 10
I have a good life, and I appreciate it. 11
Also, I don’t fall in love half as often as I say I do…I have truly loved two people…Adam and Alan. Moi pathetico. Tres sad. (heh. Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging)12
I love life, it’s treasure all it’s own. It’s like…everyday is a gift from God. I could’ve been dead like 10 times over by now, but I’m not, cause God has plans for me. Big plans. That’s why I follow my heart and not the voice of reason (to quote Thrice: “ I hear the voice of reason…SCREAMING AFTER ME!!”) . Cause like, a very wise person once said, God is the voice in your heart, Satan is the voice in your head.” This is why I am pushing my worries away. Cause Satan is most likely, or was, for that matter, inside of me again…but I can handle it through prayer and faith. That’s all that matters.13
I need to vent more often… this is helpful.14
Another thing is that like, I need to stop regretting Colter, too much good came from him, and good always out weight’s bad. Like, I met Jas, and Alan through him, and he did make me happy for awhile. I also learned some valuable lessons because of him, and I’m glad I learned them now, and not later. That’s how it is with Zan, bad things happened, but good things can come from them, and also good things came. It’s all okay.15
Well this is my now opened letter to the world. I wrote it mainly to A) myself
Jason and C) God. That’s the appropriate order too….16But I do know what I’m doing and how to be strong. I just tend to not listen to myself sometimes…I’ve helped tons of my friends cause of my wiseosity, but I don’t listen to myself. I must start trusting my own advice and not fear consequence. Remember: my heart is the greatest thing in like forever. And I am going places, I’m a good person, and whoever doesn’t know that, is just like, blind and unkind. Heehee.17
Love, 18
Megan19
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