Downstairs the house moaned as it settled for the night. A sharp creak echoed through the stillness of the sleeping house. A soft sigh, a small rush of reluctant air was released.1
Soon the tinkling of two high octave ivories ricochet off the barren walls like a windchime playing on the wind.2
Sleep would not come to me that night as I laid in the soft, goosefilled bed. Breathing in the vanilla and lavender smell of my sheets, I stared up at the popcorn ceiling and watched the lights parade across it. The blinding lights of cars started small, near the bay window, and grew, like sunflowers before harvest in the fall, only to wither and fade, as if the flowers have gone to seed and died, near the door across the room.3
On the stifling air the repetitive melody of D, E, D, E played rapidly, until I could stand it no more. I flung the beige covers off my sweat soaked body and glided across the plush burgundy carpet.4
I knew what I would find when I crept downstairs. Yet again, I found myself leaning over the banister of gleaming oak, wanting to catch a glimpse of my pianist.5
Two notes were all she played, night after agonizing night, and night after night, I waited for her to play; to tell me she was there. With each sweet, terrible note my heart would break. Remembered laughter and dampened tears would flood through my defenses. Every brick and mortar wall I had built, she broke down with only two small notes. Her amber hair hanging long and free, reflected the light in golden highlights that threaded through. Pale skin sparkled as if the moon had kissed only her. Deep pools of liquid steel would stare out at me, bringing me to my knees.6
I would wake in a fetal position on the pine-scented floor, my face wet from crying. The warm beams of sun would thaw my frozen bones and I could make it through one more day. Then the night would come and it would start again. 7
Years passed and my charcoal hair peppered: along with the beard I grew. A beard she would not have approved of. My little rebellion. Wrinkles lined my weathered face like the parched land of the desert in between rains, cracked. 8
Until that night.9
One still and airless night, when the only sounds were the lonely creak of the house and the croaking of a bullfrog asking for a mate, I waited for her to play. To remind me of the love we'd shared.10
The high windchime like notes did not come. But still I stole down to lean over the banister. A yellow sparkle of light from against the bony rectangle caught and danced in my eye.11
I had by then descended to the ground floor. The boards cooled my feverish skin. I wasted no time in crossing the entryway into the livingroom.12
The baby grand piano gleamed under the light of the full moon, that peeked in from the witching hour sky. The ivory’s glowed brightly and I closed the lid as salty, hot tears snaked down the crevices of my wrinkles.13
A small ring sat on the bench, calling to my broken soul. It was cool to my touch as I lightly palmed it. It was just a plain gold band, but it was engraved. When I had given it to her on that memorable day, 25 years ago, it had said, “My breath is your, Clairee.”14
When I read the inside that fateful, dream-ending night it said, “I release your breath, Ray.”15
I do not know what had changed her mind. Why that night did she choose to reach Sumerland? I miss her nightly visits, but peace has descended our empty house.16
No longer do I wake at night to the haunting two-note melody, to the piano in the dark. I smile at strangers as I wait to join my pianist, who use to play my piano in the dark.17
Author notes
UGH!!! Piano in the Dark by Brenda Russell
Edited, thanks to Saej, on September 14th
SageSyren
- Something In The Shadows group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Ok, here's the deal... by Drac.
510 points, ended July 2, 21 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Not Dumb by tacobell4me08.
310 points, ended July 2, 2007, 23 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Storywrite's Next Top Story Creation by whichcraft.
350 points, ended May 12, 38 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Such a beautiful story :3
Whether it's real of not, I can still picture each image in my head very clearly. It was a great write, and I hope that I can read future stories as good as this one :]
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Beautiful!! I was honestly touched by this tale. It pulled me right in and held me there. This is my favorite so far.
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Well, thanks for the that review. Now if you could just become a publisher I'd be set
Just joking, but thank you for you kind words.
Brooke
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I liked the description in your story and I liked the color that you chose to write your story in. It makes your eyes stick to each word. Thanks for entering and good luck.
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There is a lot of description, which I enjoyed, I'm just not sure where the story is leading. I can't seem to find too much of a plot but I liked how you used the words like almost poetry. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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Wow, this piece is so poignant for being so short! I love pianos - I have a strange fascination with them. For some reason they are so aesthetic and so sensual and so fantastically beautiful to me! I wish I could play more than Chopsticks! *laughs* The love-after-life story here was both touching and well-played. I loved it!
* Para 6: brake = break
* For some reason, I was under the impression that your narrator was a woman until paragraph 8. *laughs* I don't know if maybe that's just me, or if there is something inherently feminine about the language up to that point...maybe it was the sunflowers.
Just thought I'd point that out.
* Also, you talk about headlights passing through the house, but that's not something everyone is used to (I live in the sticks - no headlights there!). You could simply mention that there is a busy road or something outside the house and I think that might help.
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I also love pianos. I learned to play when I was smaller but I haven't played in years. I can still read music, thank the goddess.
Ok I fixed the brake to break and the others I'm going to have to think about. I can see where you would think it a female at first. And I'm having a hard time trying to change my way of thinking so I may change that. I need to find some other description besides sunflowers, something more male. Hmmmm...have some thinking to do.
Thanks for reading this and for commenting.
Brooke
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This is beautiful. There were a few spelling mistakes but we all make those and it was easy to see what you were trying to say. It seems sort of abstract to me but then again I'm crazy what do I know? (I'm not so crazy that I can't see this is good though )
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Ok, yeah. I think the second sentence needs to go. I just can't figure out what you were trying to say, and anything I can think of just doesn't make any kind of sense.
Second Paragraph: you should take the "s" off of "Octaves" and perhaps hyphenate it>> "high-octave" Also... "ivory's" << this isn't supposed to be possessive. Change it to "ivories" as it is more than one. The comma is unnecessary where it is. You could move it to the beginning of the sentence, after "soon", but you don't have to.
Third para. : there should be a comma after "grew". It helps section off that part of the sentence so it doesn't run together with the rest. It also helps the reader realize it's a simile. Also another comma after "fade" would help. "have" should probably be switched to "had".
Fourth para: "played over and over" can be rephrased as you've already said it was a repetitive melody... Perhaps something like: "floated obove me" Also, you might want to give some sort of indication of how quickly the notes are being played. Right now, because of the surrounding description of the over-all piece, I'm imagining a slow repetition, perhaps agonizingly slow. It's as if with each note the silence in the middle is drawn out to the point where you think it might've finally stopped. So you begin to relax and then the next note sounds.
Next para.: "But again" >> try "Yet, again..."
Next para.: You can combine the first two sentences into a compound sentence. That way you're not starting a sentence with "and". just put a comma in the place of the period. You should also add a comma after "and" for pausing purposes. The next period, the one at the end of the original second sentence, should be abandonned in favor or a semicolon. That way the real second sentence isn't a fragment. "To tell me she was there" should follow the semicolon. "Brake"= "break" I'm sure you're not talking about a car... lol. There should be a comma after "hair" and is it loose? It's hanging long, but is it loose, in a pony tail, in a braid, what? The comma in the sentence that begins "Pale skin" is not necessary.
Next para.: comma after "bones" before "and". This is a compound sentence. Also, I think the first sentence of the next paragraph would fit better at the end of this one, leaving the next paragraph to start with "Years passed..."
Next para.: The period after "approved of" should be switched to a colon. Too many choppy sentences in one paragraph disrupt the smooth, languid flow of this piece.
Perhaps "one" should be switche to "that". This is one specific night that sticks out in the character's memory. It shouldn't be a bland and faceless as "one" night. This should be specific. It should be "that" night.
Is "longley" supposed to be "lonely"? if so, you should probably make it lower-cased when you take out the "g". "We shared" should be "we'd shared" as it is past tense.
"Windchime" is two sepparate words, or You can hyphenate it. "wind chime" vs "Wind-chime" Take out the "but" that begins the next sentence, and add a comma after "still". "A yellow sparkle against the ebony rectangle.">> perhaps something more along the lines of "A yellow sparkle of light from against the ebony rectangle caught and danced in my eye." This is a complete sentence that allows the reader to experience it rather than a fragment that simply describes it.
"the light form the full moon [which](or)[that] peeked in from the witching hour sky."
"It was just a plain gold band, [but it was] engraved"
"When I had given it to her [on] that memerable day..."
Once again wiht the [on] for the next sentence. Also, you might want to add "said" after "it". lol.
"Why, that night, [did] she [choose](instead of chose) ti reach Sumerland?" Take the "and" out. It's not necessary. The hyphen between "our" and "my" is odd.
Okay, now that I've pretty much written a comment that's as long as the piece, I have to tell you, once again, how much I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It's a wonderful work of art, and it shows depth of thought on your part. Great job, Brooke! I love reading your stuff -
"A whisper of tread slid across the polished, hardwood floors." I'm sorry. It's just, this sentence doesn't make sense to me. I've read it over and over, and still I find myself saying, 'what?' Also, that comma isn't necessary.
Yeah, watch your commas all throughout this piece. There are a ton of unneccessary ones, and a few place where one is needed and not found.
Ooh, I think you need to comb over this piece again. There are a couple words in there that have extra letters. i.e. now = no. and a couple that are missing letters. i.e. seat = sweat.
Wow. The description in this piece is amazing, and I love how you've put it together. It does need some polish though. Nothing can ever be too shiny, but I think this story picked up some cobwebs here and there. That was a joke. lol. Sorry. I guess it sounded kinda mean. Forget it.
If you'd like me to help you find all the mistakes, just message me and I'll see what I can do by way of pointing them all out.
Great story, Brooke. I really liked it.
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Ok I can find the missing letters and I can even see where I've gone comma crazy 
and yes I would love it if you would help me with all the pesky little details. As for the second line. I can't really phrase it any other way, so I'm taking it out. 
Oh well. Sometimes I just can't find the right words to say what I need to say. Please please please (see I left out commas there ) 
me. Thanks
Brooke
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This was a beautiful write
You wrote it spectacularly, as always
I think it was pretty flawless, and the flow was terrific.
I'm sorry I didn't read this sooner! It really was great. You're a remarkable writer!!!
Great job on this
xoxo
Tay
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You are so sweet and thanks for the ego boost I was just reading it over and I saw so many spelling errors, UGH!! I can't believe spell check didn't pick those up.
Again thanks for the ego boost, for taking the time to read this and for commenting.
~*Brooke*~
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well that is such a cool story. I love your desciption and ghostly elements u bring are very well creared
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Thank you for taking the time to read this. I had a lot of fun writing this type of story. I usually stay with childrens fairytales and such. But I loved challenging myself.
Thanks again for reading and for commenting.
~*Brooke*~
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I'm afraid of haunted houses!!!! eeeek!!!
But i sure looooved this one!!! okay, this was wonderful, really really loved it!!!
It was evry vivd, the story moved with a flow and had clarity throughout.
A very nice read. The descriptions are superb, and the imaginative aura seeems excellantoi!!!! hehe.....
SPOOK CHEERS!!!
*mommy!!! -
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Thank you for those wonderful words. And I'm so glad you liked it.
Thanks for reading and for commenting.
~*Brooke*~
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that was incredible ... you have such a unique and wonderful talent with descriptive language ... it was all very haunting and vivid. i noticed a few errors, like writing "brake" instead of "break" but other than that it was flawless.
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and to comment. And I will take care of the 'break'
~*Brooke*~
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I was moved....
You have written a wonderful story here. And the descriptions that you used for the piano playing and the player kept interest from lagging any at all. I loved your story.
-robert-
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Thanks Robert. I'm glad that you 'loved' my story. I am so not use to writing these types or any type but childrens and so your words are an ego booster.
~*Brooke*~
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Aww, Brooke, I came back for this.. and I am in love! Now.. the only problem is that I... now have that song stuck in my mind. then again, it's better than poor unfortunate souls (little mermaid ), which has been running in my mind for weeks now x.x
It is beautiful.. the way you described things, particularly the piano sounds.. ^_^ it has to be one of the most creative ways of saying you "heard the piano notes" and I love CReATIVE I love the "mystery" - the mystery pianist and just, well, just everything here (this is heading to my bookmarks )
Why is there an ugh in your author notes??? You did well!!!! actually.. well is an understatement *dances*
Thank YOU for making this... good luck with the contest! ^_^
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Silly
In love YAY!!!! You must tell me about it.
Ok my UGH!! at the end was because it didn't end the way I wanted. But my stories usual do that to me. It's like my muse decides that my idea just doesn't work and then takes over my brain and writes what she wants I thought they were just suppose to help not take over
Oh well. Thanks for reading and for commenting.
~*Brooke*~ -
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Brooke, I meant in love with this piece, loL!!!!!!!!
your muse did well want to stab mine??? Im back to writing one liners 
*huggles your muse*
And welcome!!! WHy won't I read???
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NO!!!! NOT ONE LINERS!!!!
She'll come back, she always does. And I'm for getting confused (Not for cocopuffs ). Glad you are in love with my story. 
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Great write.
Your written imagery brings the story to visual life, and the reference to musical notes bring it to ear as well.
As well as the croaking of bullfrogs and the reference to windchimes, both of which I hear often around here.
Not to mention the recurring thought of a lost loved one.
Very nice story. It reminds me of a similar time, though not as sad as this.
Good luck in the contest!
~Greg~ -
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Aww Greg your are very sweet. I'm glad that those sound 'bites' brought the story to life for you. I try to use all the senses in there. Hey I even managed taste. hahah
Thanks for reading and for commenting.
~*Brooke*~
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Breathtaking!
What an enchanting tale you've made into a pool for my mind to flit around in like a swimmer on a warm day!
I really enjoyed this piece of work. Your descriptions are exquisite, like free verse poetry filled with emotion.
I loved this! Good luck in the contest.
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Thank you so much for those wonderfully kind words. I can always depend on you for an ego boost.
Again thank you for reading.
~*Brooke*~
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I think your descriptions are really great. Can I ask something though? Why does the pianist play only D and E? . Was the pianist just learning the notes? It's quite scary though to get up to just two notes playing over and over.
I hope you win a place in this contest Good luck!
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Thanks for reading and for commenting. I reason she only plays those two notes was when I had orginally started writing it it was going to be more horror than lost love and the notes were going to be the begining of something more...But I changed it when I knew it wasn't going to work. But thanks for asking.
~*Brooke*~
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Brooke, you wrote a story for the contest! =D
And what a great story it is! =D
I love stories like this, dark tales about strong love! =)
I love the way you wrote it, with those great discriptions and excellent wording! =D
Very well done, it's both sad and a little chilling =) Great job! =D
Thanks for entering! =)
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Awww...your too sweet. I just hope it's up to par with the rest.
I didn't know anything about the song. So I'm sure it doesn't go with it.
Thanks for the kinds words.
Brooke
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