Rant due to love!

Before I go any further, I best warn you….this is a going to be a bit of a rant; a vent of thoughts and feelings.

I normally like to keep things hidden, I don’t like to burden other people with my problems, however with everything else that is going at the moment, I don’t need to have my mind doing overtime on these issues, hence the reason I am putting them down on paper.

Today I found out that a college of mine is not happy with my relationship with my girlfriend. There has been a checkered past to be fair; he fancied her, I wasn’t sure how I was feeling so didn’t stop him. In January just after he had tried to ask her out, we ended up seeing each other. We had been together before, and it seems that something wants us to be together, because no matter what we do, we always come back to each other. It was hard to explain to my college the fact that we were pretty much together, but when we did bite the bullet, he said he was fine about it. So we left it at that. All seemed fine, my girlfriend even spoke to him again recently saying that it was serious now, and he still said he was fine. Then today, I find out that he isn’t.

I’m not sure how I am meant to feel. My feelings towards my college are confused as it is. My college, myself, my girlfriend, and another friend are all heavily involved in the technical side of performing arts at our college. Myself and my girlfriend are at the moment handing over the reigns, as we are leaving in a few weeks. I have found this harder than I thought I would. I have consciously made an effort to distance myself, due to exams and also the fact that I know they have to learn how to cope on their own; however, since then I have never felt so low due to that. My girlfriend ahs stepped in now, as she has more time on her hands, which in a way is good, but in others not so good.

I have noticed how much time they seem to spend together, I now feel like an outsider, a spare part. I know that part of this was my choice, however, I am really regretting it now. I mean I get nervous just going into the auditorium, in case they don’t want me there, in case they are talking about me. I suppose I am just extremely jealous. I suppose me seeing them spend a lot of time with her is what is maybe bothering me so much. I know that is totally stupid and ‘selfish’ of me really, but it’s how I feel. I know just how much she loves me, and she knows how much I love her. I know that there is nothing going on at all, and I trust her…I think it’s just them I don’t trust.

*Sighs* I don’t know what I am trying to say. I don’t know what I am feeling anymore, it’s all confused. All I do know for certain, is how much I love her. That is probably why I want to grab every moment I can alone with her. Where I am not aware of what people might be thinking.

I feel like am writing something for one of those women’s magazines problem pages! So I shall end it here. I know my girlfriend will probably read this, and well you’ve heard most of it before. I am working on it, trying to stop the jealousy and intimidation, but it’s easier said than done. I suppose you could take all this as a compliment; it just shows how important you are to me.

Rant over.