Sam Gillespie had been in the presence of pure evil on many occassions. On one or two of those he was fairly certain that he had been right on the tail of the Lord of Darkness himself. As an unofficial employee of the Holy Roman Catholic Church this was not something that he had a problem with. In fact it was his job to track such evil, and investigate tales of its meandering on this earth.
He had lost track of the air miles he had collected, but knew that, unless there had been a coup somewhere in the past few weeks that he was unaware of, he had visited every single country in the world with the exception of Patagonia.
He was not, as was commonly thought, an exorcist - more of a sniffer dog and front guard for the holy men.
As he sat in his first class seat on the Air France flight from his home town of Paris to his birth town of Edinburgh he had never been more afraid. This time it was his family at risk. His ex-wife, it would appear, was dead already, and the lives and very souls of his daughters were in the firing line.
His mobile phone vibrated in his pocket, the ring tone having been turned off. He took it out and flipped it open, noting the caller as the ID was displayed.
"What have you got for me Stevie?" he said quietly so as not to attract the attention of the air stewardesses. He used the name that he had used for over thirty years. Most people knew him as Detective Chief Inspector Jarvie, but Sam had known him since Stevie had joined his primary five class. The DCI was one of the very few people who had Sams confidence.
"I'm sorry to say that the text was right," came the reply. Sams heart sank as the import hit. He slumped forward. "Joanna's dead. It looks ritualistic, Maybe you'd better see for yourself."
"Don't touch anything," Sam said automatically, before realising that he had possibly offended his friend. He'd sort that out later. "What about the girls?" he asked as calmly as he could.
"There's no sign of them - but there is a large brown envelope here with your name on it. We haven't opened it yet."
"Well open it and tell me what it says, we need to know what's going on as quickly as possible," Sam said, his heart racing now. He sat up straight as adrenalin pumped through him.
"Okay I'll ...."
"I'm sorry sir," started the stewardess from the aisle. "You'll have to turn that off, the captain is about to start his descent."
"But this is life or dea..."
"I'm sorry sir, but if you refuse we can have the police question you as soon as we land. And that could take a very long time and result in criminal prosecution."
"Sam .... Sam ...." he heard faintly from the phone that he had removed from his ear. He replaced it.
"Sam, I heard that. She's right you know. They'll just be a pain in the arse. I'll see you in about an hour - there's a hire car waiting for you at Avis, just mention my name."
"Thanks Stevie." He closed his phone and went to put it back in his pocket.
"ahem," the stewardess coughed. Once she had got his attention she insisted that he turn off the phone completely until he was in the designated area of the terminal.
Sam did as he was told. He smiled at the stewardess, though only with his mouth. Several highly effective ancient curses fought for the right to be spoken aloud, but Sam managed to resist the temptation.
He settled back and refastened his seat belt.
Like this.
Author notes
At some point it might be an idea to read the Directors Cut of Broken Roses. No need quite yet though.
Edited for crap writing.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
I do agree with an earlier comment you have the "like this" statement is a bit confusing, I was thrown off. The rest of it was good though, very hinty and well written. Yeah, I said hinty... I bet thats not a word. Ah well. Anyways, good stuff.
-
This story was interesting and it seems different from what I have read on storywrite. I'm not much into reading religious type stories but this seems like it may involve the man of darkness himself.
It makes me want to keep reading and the story flows realistically.
I didn't know he was on a plane! I like it and I can't wait to see where you are headed with this.
Your story falls under horror so I don't get that first impression of it but the fact that your character is a religious man and the mention of "it was his job to track evil" keeps me interested in finding out what he does and who he is actually tracking.
Good story.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
-
-
Thanks for the comments, whichcraft. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Very early on I mention that he's on an Air France flight - I guess you just missed it.
Parts 2 & 3 are already posted - we start to see a touch of horror by part 3 ...
Cheers,
GoNE
-
-
WOW. I think that's all I can muster right now. Just WOW.
Great Job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
Wow, caught me right away and held me there to the end - being a Scot, I intend to read this to the end!
Very well written, simple structure allowing for an easy read.
Thank you.beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
I'm glad that you enjoyed it NTD - I have editted it slightly as per some (but not all) of Garys comments - put haven't got round to reposting yet. There is already a chapter 2 posted if you're interested.
Thanks for the comment.
GoNE
-
-
...on one or two of those occasions he was fairly certain that he had been right on the tail..." I would finesse: "occasions"..."that"..."right" This is just to show you where I'm coming from. I think the wordiness is unneccessary and slows things down. You've got "that" again, just prior to "he had a problem with." I won't point it out anymore...just be aware. I like the opener though...and the idea works for me. Interesting. (How about ..."home town of Paris to Edinborough, his birth town" instead of: to his birth town of Edinborough (fewer prepositions and gets to the relevant information more quickly) You also have: "in the firing line." I believe ON the firing line is more correct.Don't repeat POCKET...you're slowing things down!! (Another "that"!)Why do you need "very" before "few?" (before realising...THAT he had offended...)Also "THERE'S no sign of them" you don't need "there's" (also one is coming up!)
"Started the stewardess?" you mean said?...(as she started down the aisle...)An extraneous "then"...as well as "if you refuse" She would just tell them. FAR TOO MUCH EXPLANATION from the stew. Unrealistic. You need to take greater care with the dialogue. It doesn't sound authentic. How about "went to put it back?" Get rid of "went." Perhaps he was about to replace it...or put it away when...And how do you smile without using your mouth? I know whatyou want to say...but find a better way to say it.And don't use that last phrase. It's beneath you. AND...it's a cliche! Terrible! Jeez! Very inconsistent with the rest of the prose. And, it doesn't lend any admiration or sympathy for your main man. (And what the heck is: "Like this?
Good luck
GA -
-
Ouch.
But apart from that, Madam President, did you enjoy the flight?
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment extensively on my writing - it's much appreciated.
I can't help but notice that you don't like the word 'that'. Although it does slow things down slightly, I believe that it is grammatically correct to use it as I have. And what is so fundamentally wrong with slowing things down? Not every story has to go at breakneck speed.
You're right in a lot of what you have said - I need to go back and look at where I have doubled up on words - pocket, occasion etc.
However, some things I'd disagree with e.g. 'went to put it back'. If you read the next sentence you will see that he was in the process of putting it back in his pocket when the stewardess insisted that he turn it off completely.
It was only his mouth that WAS smiling i.e. his eyes weren't.
Terrible cliche? Probably. In fact - absolutely. (I find it a bit strange that after ripping the piss out of my writing you then say it's beneath me - but, whatever.)
Not lending admiration or sympathy for the main man - that was deliberate. And possibly why I used such a crass cliche. Not everything is black or white. Not every hero is 100% good. Not every baddy is 100% bad.
I don't know if you've ever been on a 'plane or helicopter, but in the flight safety speech they tell you how to put on and remove your safety belt. "Your belt fastens, like this"- as the stewardess shows how it should be done - "and opens, like this". That's where the heck it comes from.
Cheers,
GoNE
-
-
To Ghost
Ghost,
I hope you are not offended. Please don't be. My comments were not meant to A)offend...and I did NOT mean to, nor do I think, I "ripped the piss out of" your story or writing. Anyway, it was certainly not my intention to be mean spirited. If I was not constructive, mea culpa. The only comment I would absolutely and ridgidly stand by is your phrase toward the end of the piece...about ripping the guy's head off and etc. C'mon. I still don't think it belongs. It's overused, anyway. And I don't think it has a place in your writing. Of course, however, it's up to you. Sorry if I came off too harsh and a bit arrogant. Didn't mean to...and apologize with due contrition.And I appreciate your reply. Again, apolgies.
Good luck,
GA -
-
Gary - Don't worry, you haven't offended me. I do realise that everything that you have written has been meant constructively. But, when there is so much criticism without anything positive it can feel like having the piss ripped out of you. So, you're okay, I understand where you're coming from and didn't take it personally.
I'll try again when I get the chance to rewrite bits, and perhaps deal with the cliche that you hate so much - see if I can't come up with something a bit more original which will have the same feel that I want.
Cheers,
GoNE
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
