"I think we're lost" said Beatrice.
"Try getting a new map".
"And new glasses".
(really she didn't need a new map it was just upside down). The six friends, Beatrice, Mary, Agatha, John, Greg and Bob were driving home from the airport to Yorkshire after going on holiday to Los Angeles. "I think we should just find somewhere to stay for the night and carry on in the morning" said Bob.
"I'm scared".
"me too".
"Look stop moaning you big f**k**g girls there is a B"n"B right over there we'll hang there till morning" shouted Greg. They knocked hard, but there was no answer, Bob opened the door and they went inside. " You go on in while I stay out here and have a fag" said Greg. As he lit the cigarette he heard a rustling of leaves he turned round, but no one was there. Suddenly an arm clutched his neck as a sharp blade slit his throat. The madman stuffed his body in a bin-bag and walked off into the forest.
"Greg is taking a long time, I'm going to see where he is" said Beatrice with a worried look on her face. She walked outside and went into the forest, she could hear footsteps with the feeling that somebody was following her. She turned, but it was too dark to see anything, at that moment she felt a hand on her shoulder and breathing down her neck. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah".
"Sshhh its only me".
"Is that you John, you f**k you scared the s**t out of me".
"Sorry come on lets go inside". In the night while everyone was sleeping Mary awoke to aloud bang, she got up and went to the toilet. She could hear a noise coming from the tree out the window. As she walked up to the window, a giant sledgehammer came smashing through the window and shattered Mary's head off her neck. The madman took the body away but left an unpleasant suprise. In the morning everyone woke up to a scream, Beatrice, John , Bob ran to the bathroom to find Agatha crying
"What's wrong", they looked in the toilet only to find Mary's smashed up head in there. They rung the police and after a long conversation they were told that Greg is probbably dead aswell and they cannot leave town until they know who is the killer.
"We can't stay here with a killer on the loose".
"We have no choice he took our keys".
"This is sick, what kind of madman kills somebody and puts there head in the toilet".
Later that evening while the four were at a bar. John went off to the toilet, as he stepped into the cubicle. he saw a shadow moving towards the door, he swung it open. When a long sharp blade was threw at him, he tried to duck but, it was to late as blood poured from his head down the wall. Bob walked in and the killer turned and swung for him but, Bob tripped him as he was turning. He ran out as fast as he could with the madman not far behind, he aimed and slud the large sword at Bob who quickly jumped to the floor and the sword went flying past everyone but one person. Agatha was standing against the wall when the sword came flying and impaled her through the head as she fell to the ground. !!!BANG!!! everyone jumped to the ground as suddenly there was a loud gunshot and the madman fell to the ground. Beatrice stood there with a gun and walked over and removed the killers mask."why" cried Beatrice. It was the police officer, why he did this will remain a mystery as only he knows, and he is dead. But what they didn't know is he wasn't the only killer. THE END
Author notes
IF YOU LIKE CONTACT ME AND I WILL MAKE NUMER 2 SO YOU CAN FIND OUT WHO THE OTHER KILLER WAS AND WHY THE POLICE OFFICER DID THIS AND HOW HE WAS LINKED WITH WHO HE KILLED
A contest entry
- OH NO! NOT ANOTHER PAY IT FOREWARD CONTEST (NOW ALLOWING PREWRITES) by DemApples.
900 points, ended May 4, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Big points for the most creative story by StephLippitt.
500 points, ended May 6, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - StoryWrite New Member's Contest May 2007 by SW Greeters.
350 points, ended June 5, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - So many options it will make your head spin! by Manea.
250 points, ended June 9, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything & Everything by On.Cue.
300 points, ended June 9, 2007, 58 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
amzing
loveditbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
love it
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
This is a good start. I like how you don't really waste time on descriptions, giving me freedom of visualization and keeping up the fast pace of the horror story. I'm very interested in a follow up.
-
Welcome to StoryWrite
And thanks for your entry into the new members contest for May.
I think you have a good start to a classic, screamer slasher story.
For the purpose of the contest. There are a few words that you need to edit to be G rated in keeping with the contest rules.
Remember, if something is G rated, it has no swearing slang.
You definately have action by the second
. I think it could definately grow into quite the thriller.
Best of luck in the contest. -
This is a good start I think. You have an intereseting story line to follow on with, and I think you should continue it. I feel that your characters could benefit on having a little background information perhaps, just to make it easier for a reader to sympathise with them. This is a good start though! Well done!
-
Nice and Gory
This is similar to a lot of horror storylines, but there always seems to be demand for them. You do need to proof again for spelling and typos. I feel that you could add much more emotion to your character and more description. Thanks for entering. It is a good horror tale.
Andy
-
Hi
you have a number of great ideas present in the story ^_^ however, I feel that you may have overloaded the readers and presented too much information in a few words.
Remember that the story is your world and you, as the wrier, is the god of this "reality." You can control anything in this story, including length, and you need no confine yourself in 500+++ words. so if ever you do lengthen this, contact me, as I would love to read again ^_^
Thank you for sharing this with us ^_^
Welcome to Storywrite
-
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
~*Brooke*~ -
hmmm...Interesting write. I like the way it ended, very creative.
Thanks for entering.
hugs,
Steph -
hmm as my brother wesavada would say "if it flows like a river it has to be beautiful" and well i think that is the best way to describe this story so good job.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
It had a nice plot to it, but I didn't understand it much. Everything ran together. I saw some spell mistakes as well.
-
NIce I want you to continue it!!!! I LOVED IT!!! Nicely done
-
GOOD
SEXY STORYbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
