We're In Heaven Now

I can't take this anymore. I used to mean something to you, didn't I? But I don't anymore. I'm trash. I was a fling. I hate this. I'm holding the gun to my head. It was my father's, and believe me, it felt good. I am going to let go of every damn feeling I had. A tear slides down my cheek, coldly. I don't know why but after everything you put me through, I feel like I should say goodbye. I sit the gun on the table and walk to the phone. I dial your house and whisper, "I'm calling to say goodbye."

"Oh, babe, you moving?" you ask. I don't why I'm doing this. You were always so clueless.

"No. I'm am NOT moving." I yell at you, I wonder what you were thinking, "I'm ending this tonight."

"Ending what? Our realtionship?" you ask me, clueless is what you were. I don't know what I ever saw in you. Maybe it was your baby blue eyes, or that big grin of yours. Maybe it was the fact that you said you loved me. I'm not quite sure.

"No. My life." I whisper, almost afraid to say it. But as I hear silence on the other end of the line, I wonder if you had hung up on me. I waited. All my life I waited. I waited for you to fix your tie at grad, I waited for you to miss me, I waited for you to kiss me, I even waited for you to say 'I love you'. Now I was waiting for the biggest moment of my life--my last.

A sharp inhale told me you were still there. Good, I thought, and again, I waited. Then all of a sudden I hear some really weird noise. I don't say anything. I recongize the noise, but I couldn't place it. Suddenly, as if an apple fell from the tree onto my head, I realize you are crying. Not crying, no, sobbing. That's when I wonder why you were. I finally speak, my lips dry, and my heart beating fast, "Are you there?"

"Please don't." you whisper, "Please don't leave me alone in this big stupid, crazy world. I can't handle it."

I don't know what to say. For the first time in my life, my short short life, I'm speechless. It takes me a moment and I say, "You ended it between us. I just can't take it anymore. When I see you with her, holding her hand, kissing her, playing with her hair, whispering in her ear, I die a little more inside. I can't stand this pain. I'm hanging up. This ends here and now."

You say, as if you're in pain, like someone just shot your foot and it's bleeding like crazy, "Do you know how bad I feel? Not because I broke your heart. Well, yes, partly. But I feel the worst about wishing I was with you when I'm with her. Wishing it was your hand I was holding, your lips I was kissing, your hair I was playing with, your ear I was whispering into, I wish I was with you all the time. Please, please, don't kill yourself. We can work this out, I know we can."

I don't know what to think, so I just hang up the phone. Yes, honey, baby, I'd love to be her. But it isn't right. You may say those things now, but you don't truly mean them. You'll go back to her. You always do. I make my way over to the table with the gun sitting on it. Apparently people weren't kidding when they say your life flashes before your eyes when you are about to die. My heat picks up beat. My pulse is racing.

I'm four, my mother is walking out the door. I'm seven, my dad's drunk again. I'm twleve, my dad's bringing strippers and hookers home. I'm fourteen, I got my frist boyfriend and he tried to rape me. I'm sixteen and I got drunk over a boy. I'm sixteen-and-a-half, and I O.D. and I'm in the hospital. I'm now seventeen again, but back to the time I was with you and my sun was still shinning.

I'm staring at the gun. Should I do it? Who's going to miss me? No one. But I was wrong. Apparently you would. Because when you ran through that door, just as my fingers reached the trigger of the gun, just as I raised it to my head, you were crying and looked so scared. I didn't have time to react. I had already pressed the trigger. I gave up, my world went dark. How the hell was I supposed to know you were going to take that gun from my hands and press it to your own head just to be with me in heaven? How the hell did I know I gave up my life on Earth to spend it with you in heaven? I didn't know. But here I am, standing at the gates, praying to God that I'll be allowed through. But I'm not all that scared, because you're holding my hand. Take a deep breath. The gates open. We're gone.