Toby the dog and Darla the cat are best friends. They love to chase butterflies and play in fields of daffodils together.
They would play everyday, all day, until their families called them home.1
One day Darla caught a cold and had to stay inside.
This made the friends very sad. The day was so pretty and sunny. It would have been great for playing outside. Darla wished she could run and play with Toby.2
Toby wanted to cheer Darla up. What could he do?
He went to the field of daffodils and sat down on a large rock to think. "What would Darla like the most?" Toby thought to himself.
As he sat on the rock a butterfly flitted by, giving him an idea.3
Toby ran here and there nipping flowers with his teeth.
When he had a bundle of the sweet smelling daffodils he ran home to start the next step.4
When Toby got home he drew a butterfly, cut it out and
glued it to a stick.
Next he found a vase to put the flowers and the butterfly into.
Finally he hurried to Darla's house pulling the gift in a wagon.5
Darla was so happy to see her friend that in her excitement she began to cough. As she finished her coughing fit Toby excitedly handed her the flowers with the special butterfly.
Darla buried her nose into the petals to smell their fragrance better.
She hugged Toby tightly, "Thank you. Now I can have a part of our field inside while I am sick!"6
A few days later Darla was well enough to go out into the fresh air
and Toby was there waiting.
The friends were so glad they could play in the field and chase butterflies again.7
Darla would never forget the special gift Toby had given her while she was sick, because the best gifts are the ones made with your own hands, or paws, in friendship and love.
Author notes
(I am sorry I don't know any haikus to post for this contest, they are not one of my specialties. But I did read the rules.)
I wrote this story for my son, who is five years old. I had so many good reviews on it and comments from family and friends that I made it my goal to get it published. It has been a lifelong dream to be a published writer. I am not in it for the money, I just want to share my imagination with others as well as sharing my love of story telling and books.
This is story is the first of maybe many such "Adventures" for the two friends, "Toby" and "Darla". I am working on making this into a series of stories with a moral. In this one there are several little subliminal morals as well as one that is pointed out.
It is my hope that this story makes it very far, for it has a good message. Thank you for this opertunity.
In Christ,
Annie Scott
P.S. I could see this one published in "Highlights for Children", or a "Little Golden Book." Only with pictures of course.
A contest entry
- I Can Write A Story In Less Than 200 Words by Carly Pop.
275 points, ended May 21, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Publishable Prose? by Bitter Irony.
335 points, ended August 7, 2007, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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great
we should pass this link along to new members
under kids
poems by kids -
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By all means, do so.
That's what it's here for. 
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Well, I have to admit, I'm no expert on publishing children's stories. But this one was very sweet, and I could imagine reading it out loud to a child. However, here are a few things to keep in mind:
First of all, you may have heard the plot diagram "opening, problem, problem solved". Children's stories normally include a longer "problem" stage than this one did. Give Toby a bit more time thinking about how he can help Darla before he solves the problem.
Also, as children's stories are typically read aloud, make sure the story flows well. You have a tense switch in the first paragraph that ought to be corrected, and you missed a few commas:
"As Toby sat on the rock a butterly flitted by[,] giving him an idea."
"Once home[,] Toby drew a butterfly, cut it out and glued it to a stick." The "once home" part is slightly awkward, and is too rough to read aloud: how about something like "when he came home"?
Another thing to keep in mind is that children know when a book is trying to teach them something...and (in my experience, at least) they rarely like it. Your last paragraph(s) is/are too preachy. You could possibly keep the bit about "Darla would never forget...in friendship and love", but the "That is what Jesus did for us when He died on the cross. He gave us a gift of love and friendship" should be removed. I have nothing against religious messages in children's stories, but as 1) you never mentioned Jesus in the story up to that point, 2) Christian kids aren't the only ones who can learn something from this story 3) comparing puppies and kittens to Jesus sounds nearly sacreligious, it really should be removed. Also, how many Little Golden Books have you read that end with a message about Jesus?
I want to stress the fact that I have nothing against that message, I just don't think it adds to your story.
The good points of your story are many: the characters are loveable, the moral is great, and the words themselves would be easy for a child to read out loud, or for a parent to read to a child. I'd love to see this in print with some adorable illustrations. The story in its current state is not quite publishable, but if you follow a few of my suggestions: lengthen the "problem" stage, keep the moral simple and uniform: I'm sure you'll have something publishable on your hands.
Excellent work. Thank you for entering the contest, and good luck!
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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this is really cute. i loved the idea of the main characters not being people. and you actually made me think of my pets.
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This was very cute, I spotted the one about Jesus, which is very true, maybe another is friends will be there for you no matter what.
This was a very wonderful story, I'm sure your son loved it. I think if I had a young child of my own, I'd by it for him or her, because one it's a story that I can easily read to them and know it's having a positive affect on them. Two, it's a story most children would love. Keep on writing. God Bless you and your son!
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