Simile-off

I am not going to lie to you. I am the whitest Mexican girl you will ever meet. I do not know how to roll my rs in Spanish, I cannot for my life say "esa" (I have a lisp) and for the love of God, no, I cannot dance. I cannot dance to anything, including Mexican music.

I am not going to lie to you. I have never in my life tried to dance like an African American. Heck I get so uncomfortable saying African American. I worry about if someone will judge me and say, "Well why don't you just call us black?" Then I would say that I can't dance black. "Well what, now we aren't African American?!" I apologize, I know I have already upset someone's feelings by assuming they care about if they are called Black or African American. Bottom line: I cannot dance to anything. At all. EVER.

So what does a poor girl do? I have to live up to my roots. I am in a family where dancing is not only expected, but a necessity. And not just with family, either. It is very popular in our society during any kind of dancing events that at least once, you should grind and/or "shake yo booty" like no other. And I will not lie, I cannot grind. When I grind, I look as if I am trying to hump an eel that keeps squirming around, which makes me grasp for thin air. And if I even try to shake my booty... well, let's just say I would be shakin' my booty right out the door!

You must be wondering by now if I am going to get to the meaning of my title. Yes, well, that was the direction I was going towards. The only thing I feel very talented in is creating similes. I'm serious. Similes+me=so sweet.

One day, a black/African American friend of mine (named Chawnie) and I were talking. I had actually told her I was embarrassed that I couldn't do anything for our talent show coming up. She asked me what I was good at. I of course had to tell her my secret. I was a pro at similes.

"Simi-what?"

"Similes. You know, when you use like or as to compare something to something else."

"OH. Well. Then why don't you have like a rap off with me? Use similes though," she thought up.

"What? Are you kidding? I'd be outta there as fast as a polar bear runs from a summer's day in Alabama!"

"Don't think of it as a rap off. It's a simile-off," she concluded. "I'm signing us up. Be ready."

To tell you the truth, I was about as nervous as George Bush standing in front of America the day that the talent show came up. See now someone is going to be mad because one of ya'll that's reading this is gonna say, "Hey, you're not original, everyone makes fun of George Bush." Well I can't always win, nor do I plan to, so shove that in your juice box and suck it.

As I was saying before I cut myself off, I was very nervous. My friend however was smiling. She gave me the thumbs up as we walked on stage.

"You ready?" she whispered to me.

"About as ready as a little 2 year old about to jump into the Polar Bear Plunge. Shoot, that'd be cold!"

She rolled her eyes. A conveniently-placed-in-my-story announcer walked up on stage and explained how we both had 30 seconds to come up with whatever we could think of. He didn't know I was doing similes. Chawnie smirked, took a deep breath, and spoke into the microphone:

"Yo, yo, check it, what. Yo Sarah, wearin' yo' shirt and your shorts, thinkin' you got what it takes to come and knock down my forts, naw, you ain't got nothin', yo' smaller then dirt, oh wait, i can't say that cuz then you get hurt, what, ill tell you somethin', you're kinda a freak-ah because you're white but still a chica!!!"

"Well that was about as off the hizzile as it comes, folks," the announcer laughed. "Sarah, it's your time to shine. You have 30 seconds, starting... now!"

I gulped. Time was running, and all I could do was stare at Chawnie. I was sweating, and I'm not going to lie, I started to pee a little. I caught myself though.

"BOO, you SUCK!" someone shouted at me.

"Um," I spoke into the microphone. NOW was the time to shine. NOW was the time to blow everyone away. NOW was the time to be serious, and prove everyone wrong.

"Chawnie, yeah, you're as smart as a dumbbell, you're about as stinky as a witch's spell. Yeah, let me tell yah, you're like a fire in the rain: all you do is sit and never flame. But don't worry, you're about as cool as me, when you get nervous you tend to pee."

The audience screamed in laughter and clapped. I was about as happy as a frog in a pond.