What is the essence of a memory, I wonder as I sit and allow these strange trains of thought to pass through my mind. Memories have power over us that we do not understand – they hold emotions captive, ready to be released upon inspection. I question whether I should allow myself to enjoy these memories which now flit through my mind, for I fear the feelings they may have attached and the thoughts that those might raise. 1

My heart beats faster than normal and I feel close to tears as I begin to relive the past weeks. Suddenly I stop, wondering why my heart feels so heavy when it should joyful, why my eyes feel wet when they should be sparkling. If the essence of a memory is contained within the emotions it evokes, I struggle to grasp this situation, for the very memories which I treasure are causing me pain.2

I am unwilling to confront the fear which I know dwells within me. 3

Every safety catch in my heart is fastened tightly and I keep a firm hold on my emotions. I will not allow myself to be left open and vulnerable to something as volatile as love, that would be a foolish mistake. I choose to extend myself only as far as is comfortable as that way I can protect myself and still be invested, at least partly.4

Tears spring unbidden to my eyes as a small, hidden pocket of emotions surfaces. I realise that perhaps this time I am willing to open my eyes to a new experience such that I have never had before, one that may possibly be the best I have ever had. I realise too that this would mean opening my heart, exposing my raw self to be seen and examined. 5

Fear raises its head once more as I consider this option. 6

I turn back to the memories, a complex mix of emotions now assail me and I struggle to confront them. I examine the happiness that I have had over the past weeks and the main source thereof. I turn to the pain and sadness I may have to prepare myself for and my positive thoughts are suddenly overshadowed. 7

And then I turn to my desire to see what is in store for me if I choose to follow the option which arouses my fear. Linked with this emotion is a sense of excitement and expectation that is unknown to me. I realise that above all I am eager to find out what may happen if I extend the boundaries of my heart.8

Finally, I turn to confront the fear which lingers at the forefront of my mind. I allow it to fill every part of my heart and mind. I see the fear of falling too deeply and that of possible pain and loss, I acknowledge its presence and then I face it with every ounce of happiness and excitement that I feel. Slowly it begins to dissipate, unable to withstand the effects of positive thought. 9

I close my eyes and breathe deeply, wiping the moisture from my face. Slowly my mouth curves into a smile. My heart feels strangely at ease with the knowledge of the decision I have made. I understand that my fear has not faded, but it has been overcome. 10

The desire for love within me is stronger than my fear of heartache – I am ready for the new experience, I am ready to extend my boundaries. 11