I wonder if I'll always be like this. 1

Have you ever been waiting? Like, as in waiting for something, or someone, but you just don't know what it is? 2

I don't know what I'm waiting for. I think it's something to do with me being happy - happy forever and not being alone and being wanted and needed and loved and looked after. 3

I hope it's not love. It's all a bunch of bullshit, that people think they feel because without something like that we're all just the same really - just a delusion, that stirs up shit. 4

But another part of me WANTS love. I want to be with her, to wake up to her next to me, fast asleep or awake, it doesn't matter. I just want her to want me back. 5

No. Wait. I'm going off topic. I'm not going to talk about her - it's just this waiting feeling. The one I've had all along, for things to get better. I remember waiting in Primary school (I was that fat ginger kid - obvious bully target). I think this waiting is what keeps me hanging on, not giving up. I've always known I was strong on the inside. I'm not one to give into it all and burst into tears and cry for help. That's not me - waiting is what I've always done. I don't kill myself because I'm too scared to miss it - it could happen any day, the feeling of it sometimes makes me excited - I'm not even sure why. 6

But another part of me is just.. terrified. Terrified of it never happening, that I'm holding on by my finger tips for nothing - the wasted weekends playing a nerdy online game, the wasted time spent paying attention in class, of getting my hopes up for nothing. If it never comes, I'll always have been alone and different and unloved and just some stupid mental kid that believed that she could escape it all in the end and have her happy ending with someone. 7

Or maybe I'm waiting to go crazy, to finally let it rip and loose it and scream and cry and run and touch and tell without caring anymore. Maybe I'm waiting for that too. I've always known one day I won't be able to hold anymore and show people what really goes on inside my head and why I'm like this. 8

I just don't know, I guess. I hope it comes, I hope it ends. 9