I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital. I had a sling on my arm, and a neck brace. 1
Dr. Jackson was doing some test on my two younger siblings, Alex and Josh.2
The car acccident was no joke, the dumb boy from her math class, Jared, was killed in the accident. 3
Her best-friend, Nataile, was in the passenger seat of the car, she was killed as well. 4
I cant cry, I am 17. A middle aged person started this whole thing. He was drunk and had over 9 warrents for being drunk. 5
Bonnie, the head nurse, came out to cheak on me. "How is your neck, honey?" Her high-pitched voice echoed through the hallway. "It still kinda' hurts." I put my good arm on the neck brace and rubbed it. 6
"I will get you someore' pills, OK?" I nodded and watched Bonnie walk down the hall to the pillroom. 7
"Mrs. Miller," I looked over at Dr. Jackson. "Alex had a broken nose, arm, and finger, but Josh has two broken legs, one broken arm, a heart problem, and his neck is shifted too far over. The odds of him living are very slim." I was getting ready to cry. 8
Bonnie came back with two pills, but Dr. Jackson took them and jammed them into his side pocket. 9
"What happened?" Bonnie asked. Dr. Jackson nodded. "Come with me." He took her arm and lead her down the hallway. 10
Soon later a new night nurse, Jacky, came to take me home. I didn't want to go without Josh or Alex, but she forced me to go. 11
Her blue ford was in the first parking space. "You can ride in the front." She had a low, mellow tone to her voice. 12
I opened the car door and jumped in. I didn't close it right away though, I waited for her to started the car. 13
"Where do you live, sweety?" I pointed at the street right across the main road. 14
She backed up and slowly made her way out of the parking lot. "It is a white house, with two garage doors." I told her. 15
"Ok, thank you." Jacky zoomed her way across the busy street and down Washmor Lane. 16
"Turn here." I sneered with delight as she turned the corner. "That house there?" she asked. I made a quick nod and put my hand on the handle. 17
The bump before my driveway was huge so I told her just to let me off at the curb. She was kind enough to do just that. "Thanks for the ride." She smiled as I opened the door and stepped out. She sped off down the street, just as I closed the passenger door. 18
~~~~~~~The next day~~~~~~19
I woke at 3:30 the next day to see if Josh was OK. The phone was under my pillow so that I would know where it was in the morning. 20
I dialed 555-6835. 21
The lady that runs the phones, Haley, picked up. "Hi, what can I do you for?" She asked in a sleepy voice. 22
"Oh I just need to know if my brother, Josh Miller, is OK." I was wispering for some odd reason. 23
"One moment please." She yawned and then put me on hold. The elevator music started to get on my nerves so I put the phone down. 24
I yawned for a couple of seconds before hearing, "Hello? Hello? Hello?"25
I picked up the phone and screamed "Is he alright?!" 26
"Calm yourself, Mrs. Miller. Josh is doing fine we would like it if you could somehow come down to the hospital." Dr. Jackson said in a low voice. 27
"OK, I will be there in 5 mintues or so." I told Dr. Jackson. "Oh Mrs. Mill-" I hung up the phone and jumped out of bed. I opened the door to my room and rushed down the stairs and out the front door.28
~~~~~~At the hospital~~~~~~29
I rushed in the front door and down the hallway. I sprang around the corner into room 023, Josh's room. 30
There were doctors sitting along the wall in chairs, Josh had a sheet over his head, and the loud beep was endless. 31
"No, this can't be real." I wimpered. Dr. Jackson Was standing next to the doorway. 32
"What happened!?" I screamed at him. 33
"We aren't for sure, but we think that his heart just gave out." He was talking in that low voice he did on the phone.34
"You told me he was fine on the phone, so you lied to me." I tried to punch him, but he was walking towards the phone. My hands were clinched in a fist.35
"Right after you hung up Jacky came to tell me that he was 'you know'." I started to cry. I was soon joined by Alex. He was in a whair chair and had a sling like I did. 36
"Hi sis, I am sorry about Jos'." Alex being only 6 didn't really know what had happened to Josh. 37
I gave him a big hug and kiss. "Alice are you going to stop cryin' now?" I started to laugh, and nodded, no. 38
"I love you, Alex." He smiled and gave me a kiss on my cheek. 39
"Jacky, turn this off." Dr. Jackson pointed at the heart rate machine. She slowly flicked the swich. 40
"Alex do you want to go to bed?" His nurse, Katie asked. He nodded and was wheeled out of the packed room. Doctors started to leave as well, to get back to their wing of the hospital.41
It was just me and Josh now. I slowly made my way over to his bed. 42
"You put up a real good fight there Josh. I wish I was here when you passed. I feel horrible right now." I kept talking to him for an hour. 43
I could almost hear him talking back to me. "I know that you are in a better place now Josh, with mom and dad. I hope you have fun up there. Oh, and keep an eye on Alex when I'm not." I sort of laughed. 44
"Alice, we need to go." Dr. Jackson said in a very low voice again. "I know he is in a better place now." He smiled for the first time, that I had seen, and took hold of my hand and walked me out of the room. 45
Author notes
ummmmmmm, I hoped you liked it.
A contest entry
- Write about someone close to you by Poopa Thug.
130 points, ended May 24, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
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135 points, ended May 30, 2007, 20 entries
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Please Tell Me What You Think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Para 5
Replace 'Cant' with 'Can't.'
Para 6
'Cheak' should be 'Check.'
Para 7
'someore' should be 'some more.'
Para 8
You mentioned that Josh 'has' two broken legs which should be 'had' instead since you're writing in past tense.
Para 10
'led' instead of 'lead.'
Para 23
Change 'wispering' to 'whispering.
In para 27 the main character is refered to as 'mrs.' Is she married? If not you should replace it with 'miss.'
Para 36
I think you mean 'wheel chair.'
I left out the other errors I found simply because the one under me picked them out.
Now on to the story. I thought it was very sad, and it was written really well. You did a great job conveying the emotion of this piece.
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Paragraph 11- Typo first word. I think you mean eventually.
paragraph 13- typo. "started the car" I think you mean start.
Paragraph 17- um I'm thinking it's a misapplication. I don't think she was sneering cause that implies malice.
Paragraph 18- time sequence is a bit odd. I think "as soon as I closed..." would be a better construction than "just as I close..."
34- "we aren't sure," I know it's in quotes, but I don't see a doctor saying "for sure."
36- another thing a doctor wouldn't do is replace deceased with "you know." Doctors use Euphemisms but don't completely avoid the topic.
Also, I think you mean wheel chair, not a whair chair.
This is a very sad story. I don't know if it was dedicated to anyone, but if it was then I'm sure they were immeasurably thankful for what you did. Touching and delicate, thanks again for the read Crazy. Hope this helped.

plot: 5, ending: 5.
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I LOOOOVVVVEEEE IT! CONFUSINGLY SAD A BIT...BUT I STILL LOVE IT!
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Very sad. But gets kind of confusing =/
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i'm leaving a comment to let you know i read it, but i don't know what to say....i feel like crying, and it was really sad...*hugs*
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hehe
YOU ARE THE BEST, DON'T CRY... OK CRY... IF YOU REALLY WANT TO.
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This was really sad. i'd be mad if i lost someone i loved because of someone elses idiocy. this was good thank you for entering it into the contest.
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thanks a bunch!
-crazy lover
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Aww
This was really sad. Having a friend die because of an irresponsible person must be the worst. I imagine thinking they are fine only to find out there dead feels just as bad. Anyway good write.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Aww
I do like it. It was sad but it was a good story. I loved it!
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