There were times when I was so happy I couldn't believe it. There were times when I thought this couldn't possibly end. With you, I finally had a taste of being alive. Like I could live through anything. It was amazing. For years, it was like this. 1

I know I've said this so many times before, but you make me happy. Even when you are trying to run me off so I don't get hurt. I was happy. And I would have done anything for you. If you didn't want me there, I'd leave. If you didn't want to ever see me again, I'd be on a plane by the end of the week. If you wanted me dead...I'd be gone from this world before anyone had the chance to help me.2

You were the Summer of my life. The warmth and joy. Everything I did was for you, and every moment was precious, but I could never make you see it. When that whole mess went down in February, my life moved for the first time in years. It became chilled, and Autumn settled in to replace that warm Summer. It was okay, I thought. I had someone right by my side to keep me warm...but I was wrong. Of course not. It wasn't me who you loved. It was her. It was the one who only drove you to tears again and again.3

The cold winds of Winter froze me in my pain. I was only there for you. Every time we talked, I listened to your problems and worries. I was happy to find any way to help. Even when I knew I couldn't. Still, I listened. We never talked about me. But that was okay. I mean it, honestly. There was one day we did talked about me, and my problems. But I only ended up crying. My sister was going to be arrested and get her child taken away. My other sister was going through a terrible break up, and she was hurting herself. I'd come home to her bleeding all down her legs, a black eye, and a bloody lip. One day she said she should jump from the balcony, and hope she broke her neck. All this, and I was stuck there in the middle. Not able to breath. Wanting to get out. No one could hear me, but you. And even when I told you, right in the middle of it, she called. The one you loved. But I didn't complain.4

Somewhere down the line, I realized that only I could understand what you were going through. Almost the exact same thing happened to  me. Don't you remember? I love you. You didn't love me back. That was the first time I had ever thought I could love anyone, and that was the first time my heart has ever been broken. I was surprised at how much it hurt. I still am. And when you talked about Her, I though so many times, "That's how I felt!' You couldn't have forgotten how you avoided me after I confessed, just like she did. Or how you would laugh and talk with everyone, but when I walked up your smile would fall. Just like her. And the time you literally ran from me just like she did every day for a month.5

It was shocking how much the situation was alike...until she confessed. I was beyond happy to hear it. A little part of me broke even more, but I was happy for you. But I really think I was happy because on some selfish level, I thought I would no longer have to hear all my past tortured replayed everyday through the one I loved, all about someone one else. That killed me day in and day out. So when I heard that she loved you all along, some part of me finally sat back and breathed a sigh of relief. I had you believe that I was confused, and didn't know what love was. I acted like everything was perfectly fine. Aren't I a good actor?6

Yes, I always loved you. Even when I said I didn't. I'm a liar and a cheat. I know this. I could lie to anyone and everyone at once. But what's so painful about it all is that I couldn't lie to myself. I couldn't make myself believe that love didn't exists. All I ever wanted was to cling to a simple lie. Some how, I think you knew all of this. But I don't want to think that. To believe that you knew all along, but still let me stay so near. Then to torture me like that. Then again, isn't that what she did to you. She would talk to you about how she would grow up and get married to the perfect guy, even after she knew how you felt. That was before we knew how she felt. Everything is so backwards. I can't find anything to believe is actually real. But it all didn't matter as long as I was with you.7

By the time you get around to reading this letter, I'll be gone. As cliche as it sounds, I'm probably on the plane right now. Or maybe I've already landed. I find it funny how you had no idea. How you could think that I still lived in that house down the road. You could have went on believing everything was still together for a little while longer had you not read this. I don't blame you. I've become a very small thing in your life. Yes, I'm throwing a pity party, and everyone is invited. Bring your own booze.8

If your lucky, you could still see me one last time. It all depends on when you're reading this. When I gave you the envelope with this letter in it, I said you had to at least wait an hour. After that you could read it when ever. If you opened it right away, then you could rush over and I'll still be there. But I have a feeling you didn't. I bet you forgot to open it until the sun went down, you started to get bored, and remembered it when you see it on your desk. In that case, I'm sorry.9

I'm long gone.10

My only regret is that I couldn't make you happy. Nothing I did truly made you smile. My efforts went to waste. It's not your fault. We were just too different. You grew up with a distant family, and quite a bit of money. I grew up dirt poor, but a loving family that I'd die for to protect. It's so reversed. Even though I had nothing, I still loved my childhood. But when you had your own room that you decorated with things that you picked out. And you shelves were filled with books. Your grades were amazing. You weren't happy. I was loud, and you were shy. The same things didn't make us happy.11

One of us was always sad. No matter what. One of us couldn't be happy without the other having their world crash down around them. Until recently, I didn't know how bad it actually was. 12

If you're sad reading this, please don't be. You never did anything wrong. It was all my bad. I fell in love. I'm sorry. I did everything wrong. I said all the wrong things. And I was selfish. I stayed with you despite my own heart. Now I'm only hurting you more. I hate myself for it. So don't be sad. I don't write this letter bitterly. No, I think we are finally done. We've finally crossed the finish line. And when it's over, it's over. Nothing to cry about. That's just the way it is sometimes. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to stay by your side, but I have a feeling that you won't mind. You never needed me. We just laughed together, and cried together. Nothing more.13

The serious moments were intense. The happy times were good. The sad days were tragic. That's life, and I felt it all rush at me in the space of seven months. When we were kids, we played. When we were teenagers, we joked around. And went we grew up a little, we loved. You've dragged me through Hell, and emotionally beat me to death without knowing it. But why do I still love you? Because you make me happy. I'll never forget the time we've spent together.14

Do you know what's sad? Before I leave the house to drive to the airport, I'll probably wait for you. In some hope that you read it all in time, I'll be on my front porch. Waiting for you to show up. Against everything just wishing I'd see you running down the side walk.  Waiting. Just waiting...15

I don't know if I'll see you that last time. If you read this in time, then I'll see you then. But if you didn't, then that means I waited up until the last minute to leave. Sorry, I couldn't wait any longer. Knowing myself, I most likely stalled as long as I could. I've had years with you, and now all I want in this world is five more minutes to say goodbye in person. I like to think in the time I've know you, we've made some good memories. 16

Like when we ate Ramen noodles, and watched Monk together. It was simple, but I loved it. Or when we watched Higurashi. That stuff was amazing. Even way back in the 7th grade, when I left to go to Arkansas. Those were horrible times. It was the first time I questioned living. But the letters that you sent me kept me sane. Literally. Do you remember those Summer days when we just lay on the floor, looking at the ceiling, and talking about absolutely nothing for hours. We'd always end up laughing so hard over something that in any other conversation wouldn't be funny at all. I loved that.17

Maybe you know this, but I was the happiest when the sun was shining, and I was singing a song with you. Anything that we could share made me wish the day would never end, and the moment never pass. Time was always slipping through our fingers. I can recall only once that time seemed to stop. It was that cold Winter night when I walked to your house through the four feet of snow that had built up outside. Even in the streets it there was so much. When I finally got there, I was half froze, and I swore my blood felt like ice running through my veins. You gave me a change of your clothes, and that night I was snowed in. I remember you had that bowl of cookie dough since it was a few days from Christmas. In that warm house, wearing your shirt, eating cookie dough with you, I felt time stood still for the entire night. The moment lasted a whole day. I trying so hard not to cry when I remember, but i can't help it. I'm sorry. If I cried over every happy memory I had, I'd drown in my own tears.18

But if you are crying, then where ever I am, I'm crying too. Do you know how many times, when I saw you looking so depressed, I felt I could give up my smile forever just to see yours. Or I'd give you all my childhood memories, and love just to hear you laugh. Even give up happiness for you. So when I cried at your side, I was just trying to relieve the burden. If only by a little, you'd at least know you didn't have to do it yourself. Didn't we always have each other? When did that end? I cant remember.19

I hope in some way, you are relieved. I'm finally gone. One less to worry about. You don't have to be afraid of hurting me anymore. Think of all the more time you have now that I'm not taking it up. And when the day comes when you read this letter and smile, then I'll have finally done what I set out to do. Make you actually smile.20

I just have one wish. If we are ever reborn back into this world, I want to see you again. Even if it's just as a stranger passing by, or the cat that you see in your yard every now and then, or maybe we could be friends again. When I think if this, I can't help but imagine. What if in my past life, I said these exact same words to you once before. Wishing that I could see you again. Even if it's for a brief, painful period of my life. I promised I would cherish every minute of it. Was this a second chance to make you happy? Could be...Did I break my past life's promise? Have I only made you suffer?21

Only you can say, but I won't be there to hear that answer. So write it down. Put it in a bottle, and let it drift into the sea. Perhaps one day, in a distant time, or even a different life, I'll see the bottle floating toward the shore, and I'm sure I'll remember. I don't care if it's against the impossibility of being reborn into someone who doesn't know anything about myself right now, I'll still remember. For you.22

So please don't forget me.23

Sincerely, a love sick, and twisted girl.
Sara24

Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
I love you
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
I'll miss you...25