Chapter 31

“Demons”2

“Dammit!” Ryan yelled in frustration as he threw his phone into the couch. He jumped when he saw me sitting there. “Milan! I’m sorry I didn’t see you there.” he was immediately by my side. He had put another t shirt on while I was upstairs and I was briefly sad I couldn’t look at his bare chest any longer. 3

“I’m okay. Are you?” I looked at him, the anger that had disappeared was back again. He looked away and hesitated like he was trying to figure out what to say. 4

“Sorry. My own personal torment.” he said and looked pointedly at his phone.5

“Wanna talk about it?” I asked handing him his cup of tea. He smiled at me- but it didn’t reach his eyes and took his tea.6

“Looks like we both have some unresolved demons to bring out.” he took a drink and settled back on the couch.7

“Why don’t you go first.” I suggested. “My story is probably more complicated.” 8

“Alright.” he sighed. He turned towards me. “As you know I worked with a woman named Stacey on a few movies. Well,” he actually blushed. “The love scenes were real. They may have been faked on screen. But off.” he blew out his breath in an almost whistle. “it was incredible. Well, I actually had feelings for her. 9

“Between movies she would make excuses why we couldn’t get together. We were working so I didn’t think anything of it. But while we were filming together it was only her and I.” he stopped and took a breath. “Before we started filming the last movie she told me she just wanted to be friends. She didn’t have time for a relationship. So everyday I had to go to work and see her face.10

“By the time we were done filming, she’d been seeing this guy most of the time. Well they’ve recently split and she’s trying to convince me to see her. That’s what that” he motioned towards the door. “was about. I’m seeing her next week at the premiere. And she wants to come here earlier in the week to ‘talk‘.” he took a drink of his tea.11

“So what’s the problem?” I asked. He sighed then reached over and moved the hair out of my face.12

“The problem, my dear, is you.” he said looking pointedly at me. He shifted and leaned over to kiss me. I kissed him back and when he pulled away he was smiling at me. This time it did reach his eyes. I smiled too.13

“How am I a problem?” I asked looking down.14

“Because of my feelings for you. I no longer want to be her puppet. Which is what I was. Although I wouldn’t mind being your puppet, my dear. I would do anything you asked.” he kissed me again.15

“Maybe not after my story of demons.” he looked at me.16

“You yourself could be a demon, and I would still do your bidding.” he said taking my hand in his. I blushed and he smiled. 17

“So then tell Stacey you don’t want to see her.” I said. I wanted this to be true more than anything. Even though I shouldn’t. He wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his. That thought saddened me.18

“I would love to. But the movie premieres next week, remember?” 19

“That’s right! I can’t believe I forgot that! My friends and I are planning to see it together when I get back.” I smacked my forehead.20

“So I’m stuck with her for at least the next six months.” he sighed. “So, about your demons.” he eyed me critically. I sighed and took another drink of my tea.21

“Well Charlie and I met when I was still in the Navy. He was a Marine.” I picked absently at the USMC logo on my sweats. “We were on deployment together. We dated for about a year and then I got pregnant.” I felt the tears again. Ryan pulled me close to him. “Well right after we found out the sex of the baby, I had a miscarriage.” I wiped the tears away as they fell.22

“It’s okay honey.” he murmured into my hair as he wrapped his arms around me.23

“After the miscarriage, he completely changed. He was so distant. It wasn’t because he didn’t love me, it was because he couldn’t handle the thought of seeing me without the baby. He started doing everything he could to push me away. And when that didn’t work, he started getting drunk and sleeping around. He ended up getting demoted before he got out. He’s never forgiven himself for not being there when it happened and not being able to protect us.”24

“What could he have done? There’s nothing that can be done. I hope you don’t feel guilty Milan. I’m sorry for your loss sweetie. But it isn’t your fault.” he turned my face to look at him. He wiped my eyes and cupped my face in his hands. He kissed my eyes then my lips.25

“No. I know it’s not my fault. I took all the grief counseling the Navy recommended. Charlie refused it all. And it ate him up inside. By the time he got to grieving, he’d alienated most of his friends and had pushed me away. He still loves me but won’t let us be together.”26

“So why not try to get over him?” Ryan asked. It was an innocent enough question. One I’d asked myself a hundred times. I laughed.27

“I went thorough all the emotions. Anger, betrayal, sadness, loneliness, everything. I’ve dated a few times. But there hasn’t been much that distracted me from waiting for him to realize he’s still in love with me.”28

“Have I been a distraction at all?” he looked down at me hopeful. My mind flashed back to earlier in the night. I smiled wide.29

“Honestly, the first time I thought of him was earlier.” I said quietly.30

“Of all the times.” he said just as quietly and half smiled. Again it didn’t reach his eyes. I leaned away from him and studied his face.31

“Are you mad?” I asked incredulously. He thought about this a moment.32

“Yes.” I gaped at him. “But not for the reason you think. Let me explain. I’m mad at him for letting you go through that alone. Then putting you through more. I’m very mad about that. How dare he. How selfish of him.” he held my face in his hands. “If that had been me, I would have been by your side every step of the way. Grieving with you, healing with you. I wouldn’t have left you.” I looked down. 33

I didn’t know what to say. My eyes filled with tears again and for the first time in the last two years, I wished it had been someone else instead of Charlie. Not just someone else. I wished it was Ryan. He put his arms around me and played with my hair. I wrapped my free arm around him too and leaned into his chest. 34

“So what do we do now?” he asked me. “Our demons are out. Our feelings are out. None of it can be put back again.” I sighed, I was content to stay like this forever. Leaned into his chest, with his arms around me, him absently playing with my hair.35

“Well, we both have a past that very much effects out near future. We also have this- which has made me so happy this week. I love hanging out with you. Kissing you, just spending time with you.” I paused.36

“But.” he said flatly. I swallowed and continued.37

“But I can’t give up on Charlie. Not while almost every part of my body knows he still loves me and I still love him. I can’t quit on him. He may have done some very wrong things. But he has apologized for them and he’s starting to come back. He’s just not there yet.” My voice was small when I finished. Ryan was quiet for what seemed like forever.38

“So you’ll wait for him no matter how long it takes?” he asked, a note of anger in his voice.39

“I will wait for him to make up his mind. No matter how long it takes.” I said.40

So you’ll let your life pass you by? What if he never comes back Milan?” That same note of anger was still there.41

“I’ll wait until he’s made a decision.” I said in a firm voice.42

“How long have you been waiting?” he asked in a quiet voice. I hesitated.43

“Two years.” I answered quietly.44

“It’s been two years since he pushed you away? Or two years since the baby?” 45

“Since he pushed me away. Three years since the baby.”46

“You stayed while he treated you like crap for a year?” that note of anger was back in his voice.47

“It wasn’t immediate. It was a gradual thing. But it only took six months for me to actually walk. I had my own issues to work out for the seven months following that. Then I was healed enough to realize that I still loved him.” Ryan was quiet so long that I started to fall asleep.48

“Milan, I know you feel like you need to wait for him, but you need to think about what’s here now. And the reality is that I am here. I know it means a lot to you, so I’ll do some waiting too. But you shouldn’t feel guilty about having a life while he’s figuring his out. I know that’s what stopped you earlier. I know the thought of Stacey has stopped me before. Because I felt guilty. I just didn’t realize then what a sham out relationship was.49

“I want you. I need you. I can’t just erase you from my life. I won’t. I can’t promise to wait forever. But we’ll figure out a way. I’m sure we’ll figure it out. Soon too. You do know some of our pictures are spreading the States already?” I looked up at him.50

“Really?” I asked, boy would my friends be mad. My parents too. Lenore was going to shit.51

“Really. I’m big news.” He smiled smugly. I pinched his side playfully. “Ow!” he said and laughed. I chuckled then yawned and stretched without letting go of him. He glanced at the clock on the wall then groaned.52

“What?” I asked, although I had a hunch what it was.53

“Well, where should we start? Your train leaves in four and a half hours, which means you have to be there in four. Which means we have to leave in three and a half. Which means it’s time for bed. Not that we’ll get much sleep.”54

“I can sleep on the train. What about you?” 55

“I don’t have anything until the week after next. Except the premiere in L.A. this coming Friday.” he looked at me. “I think I may visit you in Michigan where you live.” 56

“Really?” I asked excited. 57

“A million things couldn’t keep me away. Especially with a face like that. When does your next term start?”58

“I actually took this term off. I start again in January.”59

“Really?” he asked intrigued. “Nice. So you won’t be too busy?” 60

“I will still have to work. But I only work a few days a week. You can just hang out at my loft.” 61

“I would like that. It’s a plan then. You’ll spend the week in Italy with your friends. Then I’ll meet you in Michigan after you get back. Deal?” he asked.62

“Deal.” I leaned up and kissed him. He kissed me back happily.63

“Come on.” he said then he helped me up off of the couch.64

“Where are we going?” I asked as he led me towards the stairs. He looked at me critically.65

“Bed.” he said simply. Two hours of sleep was going to zap my energy for the rest of the day. I followed him up the curved staircase in the foyer towards my room. I was surprised when he passed it and went straight on to his.66

“Ry…” I trailed off as he opened his door and switched on the light. 67

His room was huge! With a separate sitting room area and the bedroom. But instead of a break in the rooms it was all one big open area. My favorite part was that the whole thing just secreted maleness. From the leather headboard, to the dark furniture in contrast to the white walls. His bed was a beautiful black with a big thick black faux fur blanket. It looked so soft, I was dying to wrap up in it. But at the same time I wanted to sink into one of the soft black plush arm chairs. He had beautiful guitars on the wall as art. And his windows- they had curtains on them that looked soft enough to wrap up in. 68

Even with all the black- the room still appeared large. I felt more at home in this room than any other room in the house. It looked lived in. Ryan’s clothes were thrown into a corner and he had things everywhere. It was his area, and I loved being able to see that side of him. 69

He led me to the bed and I climbed into the blankets he held back for me. I had been right, it was very soft and luxurious. He climbed in after me, having changed earlier when I had. He covered up then reached for me, pulling me against his body. His arm went around me protectively and he smiled.70

“Ry…” I began again. He silenced me with a kiss this time. 71

“Sleep Milan. You need it.” he said in answer to my unspoken protests. I had been a little leery about his motives. But with that one line he had made me relax into the softest bed I’d ever felt. I snuggled closer to him, kissed him one more time then fell sublimely into unconsciousness.72

73